Lightning Crashes

Last night I finally released a huge weight off my shoulders after I finally told the man that I love more than anything something that I have been carrying around with me for the last 7 years.  I was so scared to tell him about it because I didn't know if he would run for the door. I feel as though I have failed him when it comes to him wanting children.

He has told me that we could adopt if we decide that we want children. As for the marriage thing we have both decided maybe it will happen but we are both content on just being together. He has never done the marriage thing, and even though I have, he is worth me doing it all over again, but I would be just as content on not doing it and just being with him. I can have the house, the cars, the mutual possession and never have to marry. I look at Goldi Hawn and Kurt Russel for a positive role model in that aspect.

Having my dreams again are not helping. I had about a dozen of them last night and he had to wake me from most of them. I awoke today and the evidence of the dreams was plain as day. Scratches all down my arms. As much as the dreams that are involving my pass bother me. It are the ones that involve him that bother me even more. This last dream that I had was I believe the worst one of all. They are so vivid, I swear I can smell, taste, hear, feel, and see everything going on around me like it is reality.

He was mad, I wasn't sure why. I asked him not to go but he left anyway. I was left there crying wondering what I had done wrong. The pieces of my heart ripped out and torn into a million pieces. He said he didn't love me, that he never had, then I saw him kiss her and smile. I stood there outside as they walked away, rain pouring down on just me, the tears falling, screaming at him not to leave me, that I could be everything that he wanted he just had to give me that chance. I knew the girl I had seen her before, but I could not place her face or how I knew her. Suddenly a couple years had passed and I ran into her again. She wore a simple silver ring on her left finger and a baby on her hip. Looking at the child it had his piercing blue eyes and dark hair. My heart broke all over again. She had been able to give him what I was unable to.

I woke myself from this dream and he was not in the room with me when it happened. After a jog outside, I took a shower, the dream was still fresh in my mind and so I just let the tears fall. Tonight has been a little difficult. My parents are coming to visit for a few days so he has gone home for that time. Tonight I did cry a little when he took his things and left. It is the first night since I have been here that we have been apart. I know it is just a few days if not before that I will see him again. Next Thursday will be the hardest for me because I will have to leave him for an undetermined amount of time.

I am planning on coming down after Christmas and spending the new year with him. I am hoping that it all works that way. Nothing so far on the job front other than a thank you, but no thank you we need the degree, a little on the frustrating side. As for housing I am looking to rent a house. I just need to figure out what I can feasibly afford a month in the way of a rent payment because there is no way that I am going to be able to buy anytime soon.

Just finished talking to him and I love the way he says good night. "Good night, sweet dreams, and I love you" I could get used to that for the rest of my life. 

Re-Written

Ok so I went on a blog tangent this morning about wanting to be selfish for one of the first times in my life when it came to my guy. I am still getting to know who my guy is. Wait what? Ok let me see if this works.

When I came down to visit him in June he took the time off of work and all his energy and time was concentrated on me and I got used to that. Now that I have come down to visit again and this time also look for gainful employment and a place to live he is working and on his normal routine and I am not the concentrated energy, now that leaves me feeling neglected.

Neglected.... how very selfish of me. The man has to make a living I need to understand that and I need to understand that just because he doesn't want to be touchy-feely cuddle love time in the morning after a night of working a 12 hours shift, outside, maybe the dude just wants a hot shower, sometime to himself and sleep....

but what about when he has his days off, I feel pushed aside on those too. I am not sure how I feel about this and I am coming up empty when the topic of expressing myself to him comes up. I have never been one that has had an issue telling people how she feels. I tried to explain it to him this morning but he feel asleep on me. So alas that conversation went by the wayside.

He does show his affection in his own little way I guess, but I guess I wish he would just show it a little more. I feel as though if I don't inititate it won't happen. I don't mind taking control but I would like to be man handled a little myself you know. Part of me thinks "oh god he isn't attracted to me enough to push me down, rip my clothes off, and make me go freaking primal." then again maybe that just isn't him. Like I said still learning here.

I guess why I am feeling the way I am feeling is because for the first time in my life I am utterly and totally flabergasted by someone and it is making all the neurons in my brain go stupified. I don't know what he is thinking, I don't know what goes on in his head. Sometimes I wish just wish he would stop and go "Damn...she picked me" Maybe he does, I guess the only person that can answer that is him.

Talking with the bestie helped a little as she understands my point of view and where I am coming from. She has a great guy and I am so extremely happy for her. I see it in her face and once I find my proper footing in the relationship hope that my face will show that happiness.

I know men are complicated creatures as much as they say we are too, but sometimes I just want to shake him and tell him to snap the frack out of it. 

Never Good Enough

In the last 3 days I have maybe had a total of 7 hours of sleep. I don't have any strength. I don't have any energy. I have been throwing up, my ulcer is killing me, and it is times like this I ask myself if I will ever be good enough for anyone.

The lack of sleep has caused me to become some what inquizitive on if I am good enough. I think about it and I am struggling for money, my car is iffy about running, I have MAJOR health concerns. Why would anyone want to be with the mess that is me.

I know he is stressed and there is nothing that I can do to seem to un-stress him. I cry he doesn't know it mainly because I don't do it while he is around and if I do I try to hid it. I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I fear I will never be able to make him completely happy.

Why am I so unsure of myself now. I have never been this way, but he is different. He is a lot different. He means more to me than anyone ever has. Which is why I hate feeling as if I am failing him on some level. I guess I just don't know what to do. Maybe a run on the treadmill or some time to just think. However, whenever I get to thinking I get to over analyzing and over thinking. I guess it is one moment at a time.

I just wish he would talk to me. I am his partner in this all. His silence is what makes me think I am the problem.

Boulders Crashing Into The Sea

I am extremely overtired, I am sick to my stomach, I just want to crawl under a rock and die, or hurl my self over a cliff onto the rocks below.

This morning my world as I know it almost came crashing down around me, making my dream almost seem unattainable.

In less than a month I am hoping to be on a plane and headed south to look for a job and a place to live. To start my life with the love of my life.

Some times it feels as though I am in a dark cave digging at the walls, my fingers bleeding, til I break through with a small sliver of light, and as I push through to make a bigger hole a sudden avalanch starts and the small hole that I just dug out is now filled again and there is nothing I can do but sit and let the tears fall.

It is mornings like the one I had today that I wish he was within reach to just wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. To just press into him and let the tears fall.

Wait for Me

Ever listen to the radio and suddenly a song come on and you can't think of a song more perfect for the way you feel at that very moment?




That happen to me about a week ago. I was in the car, the weather was beautiful, I had just finished up a phone call with my love, I was getting a lot of things on my list of things that needed to be accomplished before I go to Florida, the crap going on at home was actually tolerable. Then all of a sudden the song came on. His face was immediately on my mind, his voice was instantly in my head, my heart fluttered and in that moment I felt love. Just love.




Here is the song that automatically makes me miss him, love him, want him.

Distance is hard I am not going to lie. The little green monster of jealousy has turned it's head a time or two and I can't say that it didn't or else I wouldn't be human. Yes my heart yearns to see him everyday, to wake up next to him every morning, to fall asleep in his arm. To sit and enjoy a movie night at home, or a nice night out when we both have the money. To laugh with him, to joke with him, to in the end just be with him.




I <3 him



*~R~*

Start to my Second Chapter?

I don't know where to start. Every neuron in my brain is bouncing around inside my head. So here is the rundown on my situation. 

I'm married-not happily and seeking divorce

I am in love with someone else- He lives 1200 miles away from me. 

In three weeks I am flying down to see him- I am scared out of my shorts

I have always been one to follow my heart- to hell with what my head says

A couple months of go I met a guy. An absolutely awesome guy, who with a simple hello can make my knees weak. Financially both of us are not in the ideal situation that we would like to be in at the moment, but hopefully I can remedy that soon.

However, have you ever had that feeling that no matter how close you can get to someone and how much you can love someone your still not going to be good enough? Yeah, that would be one of the biggest things going through my head. He says he loves me and as much as I believe him because he has never given me a reason to doubt him, I still am terrified that I won't be good enough. I know it is probably all the crap from my past talking me and taunting me with the negative thoughts, but still. *frustrated sigh*

I was mentally abused by my "sperm donor" for most of my life and then went on to endure physical abuse at the hands on one of my ex's for almost 4 years. Needless to say I have had a number done on me. Yet I am stronger than I have ever been... that is until it comes to men. 

I used to live in Florida (where said love from above lives) I moved back to the Midwest when my ex and I broke up.  Met husband and entered into what has been an unhappy past 4 years (first 2 years weren't bad). Part of me told myself to stay down in Florida and make a life for myself down there, but my family was here. I moved back to be with them. I often question myself now after meeting my love if I had stayed in Florida would things be different? Would him and I have met earlier, how would things have developed between us if I was there instead of here. 

Well 3 hours ago I was told by the man I married that he was bringing me home something to eat.. I am still waiting. So F him I am going to go forage for something sustainable to put on my forever complaining stomach, and continue to try and navigate through this Life Unpredictable

*~R~*

What makes me?

I was thinking the other day as I went through some books on crafts trying to get ideas for my jewelry making, and I was thinking to myself. What is it that makes me? Everyone has things that make them who they are and I was trying to figure out what it was that makes me. I guess it started with me looking at the things that I like to do.

I like the outdoors
I like the mountains
I like crime dramas and mysteries
I like readingI like crafts (especially jewelry making)
I like animals
I like cooking
I like working with people
I like interior decorating
I like writing
I love kids