The Full Monty

In a couple short days I am leaving the love of my life and the place that I long to call home. Neither one of us are taking it very well. Not only because we do not want to be apart from each other but because we are not sure I will ever be back.

No I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but there is more to all this than everyone knows. My body is shutting down and I am in a matter of terms dying. I have been in renal failure since I was 17, I have had ups and downs. I have had bad times and good times.

All this time like I said in my previous post I am used to doing everything on my own, and now that I don't have to I find myself in a very unusual position.

My thing is that I have lived with this for so long and I have had time to prepare myself for what could happen and would most likely eventually happen, but then again it was just me. I was ready for anything. I now find myself not ready for any of it.

It was one of the reasons that I took the precautions I did with the birth control and everything because knowing with my incredibly sucky health that getting pregnant and carrying the pregnancy was almost a guaranteed death sentence. Yet by the time I found out that I was pregnant, it was to far along to terminate the pregnancy and once I saw her on the screen I was done. I was going to do everything in my physical power and give my all including my life to bring this little innocent bundle of joy into the world.

Now I am faced with the very scary realization that he maybe raising this child on his own, with out me there. Every day he will be living with a reminder of me. Will he see me in her eyes, her smile, her laugh. Will she have my stubborn hardheadedness. Will she be the spitfire that her mother is. One thing I know for sure, is that he will love her unconditionally regardless. He will have my mother and my family there to help him with anything he ever needs for her.

I can feel my body day by day getting weaker but I am trying to be brave and trying with all my might to put a smile on my face. At night when he is at work I have time to sit and think, I talk to our daughter and tell her what a lucky little girl she is to have him as her daddy.

I am not scared about starting treatment I am used to having procedures and treatments and doctors appointments and this that and the other. What does terrify me is of what and who I am going to leave behind if the worst happens.

However, I will let each and everyone of them, my family, my daughter, and the love of my life know every min of every day that I love each and everyone of them and will til I take my last breath. As much as I hope that I am old, grey and wrinkled when that last breath comes, I will do whatever I have to.

Exhaustion

Physically and mentally I am toast. I have never been in the situation I now find myself in. Usually I am left to fight my battles alone. Now I have someone who is willing to fight them right beside me and I am not sure how to feel.

From the time I was 16 until 3 years ago I saved and saved all that I could. I had a $17 an hour job, I thought I had a good marriage, I was in a position to go back to school and finally get my degree. Within 6 months my $20k savings was gone, money was tight and I left school to attempt to get work, my marriage was to the point where there was no saving it, I ended up getting extremely sick,  and because of someone on a power trip I didn't get my $17 and hour job back.

10 months ago I met someone that would become a huge part of my life, even bigger than I could imagin. We have had our share of issues mainly having to do with my health and and issue that refuses to give me what I want so that I can move on and make a move for the better.

He is under enough stress with the things in his life, that I sometimes feel like I am just making his life even harder because of the things that I am facing on my end. I get upset and I get frustrated and that is when I get quiet. I am used to doing things on my own and to know that the things that are affecting me are affecting him to is a very very new concept. I have never had to account for someone elses emotions and well being before, and I love this man very very very deeply.

How does someone go from being little miss independent most of her life and striving for her goals in life, and her aspirations to that of adding another person to it, and above all I am not just adding one more person but in a few short months I will be adding a third person.

Yet for someone who is used to doing things on her own and fighting her own battles when I think I am about to my breaking point is when the urge for intimacy comes into play. I want to be held, I want someone to kiss all the pain away, I want that physical connection that sometimes I feel is so lost. Why if I am so used to doing things on my own, do I get the urge for intimacy?

Sometimes I feel like an insecure little girl who can never do anything right and seems to depend on everyone else to make all my choices for me, yet I am the one that makes them all and sometimes none of them seem right. Ever feel that you have failed as a person? I know that feeling all to well sometimes it seems.

Does any of this make sense? Probably not. Am I any closer to answers that I seek than I was when I started? Nope....Will I ever be? Maybe.

One thing that I do know for sure is that less than 100 feet away from me is a man that loves me and for whatever reason that is, is willing to stick by me and love me no matter what comes my way. He is ready to stand by my side and put his emotional make up to the test, just as I do mine. For whatever reason, he is mine and I am his and together we will get through this. I am not sure how, or when, but I do know that one day eventually I will be fine, and it will be because we got through it together. What day will that be? Only time will tell.

Dreams go away

It seems only fitting that tonight I would have the bad dreams again. Like the song Rain Rain Go Away, neither the rain nor the dreams have ceased.

The dream was worse than ones I have had before. I lost her, and then I lost him. My heart broke into a million pieces. I would grab for him yet he was just beyond my reach. He told me I had let him down and there was no way he could love someone that wouldn't be able to give him what he wanted. I stood there and just cried. I wasn't sure how much of the tears were mine or how much of it was the downpour of rain that seemed to start the second he said he didn't love me and that he never had.

How could someone who said that I was their world just walk away. I know it is a dream and it shouldn't mean a thing but then if it doesn't mean a thing why does it bother me much, but I guess a better question to ask would be why do I let it bother me so much? I guess because I have never felt this way about anyone and that includes the man I married, and the two other serious relationships that I was in. None of them compare to the emotion that I have invested in this man.

I saw a post on Facebook the other day that was talking about love. It said something along the lines of " Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to" I have set my heart in his hands and pray every day that he does not shatter it.

I know that he has a past and I know that walls have been put up after you have been hurt. I know because I have put these walls up to.

He said something in his sleep and when I heard it, I was caught off guard but then when I realized what he said I started to cry. It wasn't my name that he had said, but someone else and that he missed her. It cut deep into my heart like a knife. I know it was sleep induced and that I need not delve to deep into it. For the first time ever, I couldn't look him in the eye. I knew if I did the tears would just start over again.

He made it better by holding me in his arms and telling me that our daughter and I are the only ones that matter to him.

One of these days hopefully, the dream will stop. Hopefully.

Epiphany

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, "manifestation, striking appearance") is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Generally the term is used to describe breakthrough scientific, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it can apply in any situation in which an enlightening realization allows a problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective

So as I was in the shower this morning I had one of the above said Epiphany's.

 Everything that I have been questioning lately finally became so clear. I am for once in my life in a relationship that yes even though in a relationship you need to put forth an effort for the other person I am not bending over backwards killing myself to make someone happy. I am just being me, accepting of everything that is him and everything that is us together.

There is comfort and adoration for each other. Mutual respect and love. Only wanting the best for each other. Support, encouragement, strength, trust, I could go on but by now I am sure you see where I am going with that.

If we are in bed together and he is napping or sleeping before he has to work and I am playing on the computer or watching television every so often I will glance at him and to see him sleeping peacefully like the weight of the world is not laying on his shoulders and that everything is right with his life is very comforting. The other morning he was sleeping and he woke up, in trying to get himself back to sleep he rested a hand on my belly, I felt our daughter move to the heat of his hand and the feeling just made my heart melt. That for something so tiny and him could have that kind of bond already tells me that once she is born they will be inseperable.

My little family. Him, I, and our daughter. Nothing more, nothing less, just the tree of us. Nothing else matters. I love my family.

Does it get any easier?

Ever drawn a blank, as in stare for what seems like an eternity and still not come up with anything. Yea I have had more of those times lately.

I know that I have done all of this before and yet still it doesn't get any easier. Last time I had a time frame for when  I would return this time I don't and that bothers me. It isn't the thought that he will forget, or that he will love me any less. I just don't do well when it comes to change. Last time it was a matter of days that we were together. This time it was a few weeks, now comes the what the fuck was I thinking, frame of mind. I have gone through that and I am still willing to move on with my life and him. I want my happily ever after and I know that he is it. As many times that I have had doubts of how he feels, time and time again he shoots any and all uncertainty down. So why, why do I still have the urge to over think EVERYTHING! That would be because I am a girl and I produce the mind numbing make you crazy over think and freak out about everything, and even though I freak out over everything anyway WITHOUT being a girl just makes it twice as bad. <facepalm repeatedly> OK, so that didn't help either.

It isn't time for me to leave just quite yet but I still fight back the tears that I am leaving him again. I am stronger when he is there, where I can reach out and touch him. Where he can give me that hug and that kiss when I need it most. Am I being a dork, yeah probably, someone that is in love and cares very very deeply for someone, damn straight.

So in trying to find the perfect song to go with this blog, I again have become blocked. I am not sure if it is the fact that the emotions that I am trying to feel at this point in time, I am trying to stave off, or if it is the fact that the man I love is sitting next to me playing his game cracking jokes and making me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place, in turn making me fall in love with him all over again.

 
Sometimes it is song lyrics that can speak everything that you are feeling at that moment in time, more so than you can ever say. Be it that you can't say them because you are afraid of a reaction that might come, or if you just want to burst in to tears every time you think about it. Most times with me it is the later of the two. I don't get why either. In a small amount of time I have become heavily emotionally invested in this man. Sometimes I wonder if he is too. Would he cry if I walked away or would he just dust off his pants and move on thinking well that was fun while it lasted. As much as I hate to have feelings like that, I do have a vagina it kind of comes with the territory.  Just like most men think with the smaller of the two heads and that is what nine times out of ten lands them in hot water with anyone of the female race.

I know that he is guarded, I know that he has his secrets. I just wish I could be the one that he confides in. In due time I guess.  Yes I know I have never referred to him by his name, I think he likes it better that way. This way he doesn't get a bunch of crap from his friends and family about his girlfriend. Does it bother me that his Facebook still reads single, of course. Do I know why it stays that way, yes I do. Granted my situation right now is not ideal, but it is a means to an end as he says. It is a way for me to get to the bigger picture and what I want. It is a way for me to get to him.

Many, many times I feel that I have failed everyone around me. My childhood was less than ideal. I have tried to forget most of it but that unfortunately doesn't happen. My childhood in a manner of speaking when it came to anything, other than my mom (that part is what I choose to remember) sucked major donkey ass. Sorry no real polite way to put that.  I know it is my past and that it should stay in my past and I should not let it color my present and my future, but I guess you have to experience what I have in order to understand why it is hard for me to do that.

I feel so bruised and broken, but I hid it with a smile on my face when all I want to do is scream and cry. Crumpled into a ball on the floor. If you looked in my eyes would you see my pain? Probably but you would have to look hard. I hid things well. I guess this should end because now I am just rambling and starting to not make sense, oh well here goes the smile when all I want to do is cry.

Time is Limited

I got a phone call that I would be lying if I said I wasn't expecting it one of these days. Today the world lost an angel. My friend Ashley died of an overdose early this morning. My friend Ashley has gone through a lot of shit in her life. Beaten severely by an ex, miscarrying a child not once but twice, she was raped at a young age, was heavy into drugs and more than once almost overdosed on alcohol and drugs. Needless to say growing up for her was less than ideal. Problem is I had a similar childhood it was just no one knew about it. Physically abused at the hands of my ex, miscarrying 3 times, mentally abused by my father, heavy into drugs and alcohol. I didn't have an ideal childhood either, but I hid mine. Ashley couldn't hid hers. In the end I never knew that she felt so alone, I never knew that there was nothing that I could do for her.

 Maybe I didn't call her as much as I should, maybe I should have paid more attention. Just knowing that I have gone through the same things there had to be something that I could have done. I could  have taken the bottle of Xanax away from her, I could have poured the bottle of absinth down the drain, but I was unable to do any of those things. I was, yet again when a friend needed me most, I was to far away to reach them in time. I am 31 years old and this now makes 4 friends I have lost to suicide in 15 years. I have been there I have been so low to contemplate it but in the end I could never leave behind the ones that do love me. Am I suicidal...no, I have come to terms that I have to deal with whatever life hands me and I have to do it with a smile on my face. As much as I would love to extend my middle fingers and just say fuck everything I don't, I can't, my heart won't let me.

I look in the mirror I see the years of abuse, the scars from the push down the stairs. In my eyes I see a girl bruised and broken.I have moments when I think I deserved everything that has been done to me. Other times I believe I didn't deserve any of it. Would I be alive if I had stayed with him. I know that if I had left sooner I would my son. He took a life from me and I WILL NEVER forgive him for that. An innocent child died because I, his mother over stepped some invisible boundary and in turned paid for it with his little life. I hope that he can forgive me wherever he is.

I think tonight is going to be one of those nights I just cry and cry and cry. Leaving the love of my life in 2 days to go back home is not helping either. I don't want to leave his side, but I have to. Hopefully not for long.

Lightning Crashes

Last night I finally released a huge weight off my shoulders after I finally told the man that I love more than anything something that I have been carrying around with me for the last 7 years.  I was so scared to tell him about it because I didn't know if he would run for the door. I feel as though I have failed him when it comes to him wanting children.

He has told me that we could adopt if we decide that we want children. As for the marriage thing we have both decided maybe it will happen but we are both content on just being together. He has never done the marriage thing, and even though I have, he is worth me doing it all over again, but I would be just as content on not doing it and just being with him. I can have the house, the cars, the mutual possession and never have to marry. I look at Goldi Hawn and Kurt Russel for a positive role model in that aspect.

Having my dreams again are not helping. I had about a dozen of them last night and he had to wake me from most of them. I awoke today and the evidence of the dreams was plain as day. Scratches all down my arms. As much as the dreams that are involving my pass bother me. It are the ones that involve him that bother me even more. This last dream that I had was I believe the worst one of all. They are so vivid, I swear I can smell, taste, hear, feel, and see everything going on around me like it is reality.

He was mad, I wasn't sure why. I asked him not to go but he left anyway. I was left there crying wondering what I had done wrong. The pieces of my heart ripped out and torn into a million pieces. He said he didn't love me, that he never had, then I saw him kiss her and smile. I stood there outside as they walked away, rain pouring down on just me, the tears falling, screaming at him not to leave me, that I could be everything that he wanted he just had to give me that chance. I knew the girl I had seen her before, but I could not place her face or how I knew her. Suddenly a couple years had passed and I ran into her again. She wore a simple silver ring on her left finger and a baby on her hip. Looking at the child it had his piercing blue eyes and dark hair. My heart broke all over again. She had been able to give him what I was unable to.

I woke myself from this dream and he was not in the room with me when it happened. After a jog outside, I took a shower, the dream was still fresh in my mind and so I just let the tears fall. Tonight has been a little difficult. My parents are coming to visit for a few days so he has gone home for that time. Tonight I did cry a little when he took his things and left. It is the first night since I have been here that we have been apart. I know it is just a few days if not before that I will see him again. Next Thursday will be the hardest for me because I will have to leave him for an undetermined amount of time.

I am planning on coming down after Christmas and spending the new year with him. I am hoping that it all works that way. Nothing so far on the job front other than a thank you, but no thank you we need the degree, a little on the frustrating side. As for housing I am looking to rent a house. I just need to figure out what I can feasibly afford a month in the way of a rent payment because there is no way that I am going to be able to buy anytime soon.

Just finished talking to him and I love the way he says good night. "Good night, sweet dreams, and I love you" I could get used to that for the rest of my life.