So in a matter of less than a month, my life has gone partially to absolute crap, to partially going in the direction that I was hoping for.
Yes I have been wanting a divorce from my husband for a while now, but when he called me out of the blue one morning and said he couldn't do it anymore and that he wanted it over and done with and he was moving to Michigan it caught me a little off guard. Now I know what your thinking, if this is what I wanted why am I having such a hard time with it. Well I guess that would be because he doesn't give a damn anymore and to a point I don't either. I guess what it is, is that I do still care for my husband, as a friend, and as a friend I don't wish him any ill will and would like to see him happy. I do care and yes at one time in my life I did love him. To a point I still love him, but only as a friend and no longer as a husband or lover. So I guess what stings for me is that he doesn't care about me or anything having to do with me anymore. He has told me that we should have never gotten married in 2008 and that he has not been happy since 2009. Which tells me that he wanted out of this way before I did, yet he never said anything. He doesn't care what happens to me, any of my things, or how I will survive when I am not allowed to work yet. He lost his job and now he is looking for work but he is depending on my mom to pay our bills. She is helping me out with a roof over my head and a place for me and my child. He told me that he would make sure that I was ok with everything and help me to get to the place I want to be, yet now that he has no job and really isn't giving a damn everything has changed. I have tried to be nice I have tried to be civil, but now I am just getting sick and tired of it all. I am patiently waiting for my tax return to come in so that I can get all this crap paid off and get the hell out of dodge and get on with my life.
May 4th my world forever changed. The little life that I had been harboring in my belly finally decided she was ready to come out, the apparently changed her mind resulting in an emergency c-section. I was over joyed that she was here however part of me was saddened because her daddy couldn't be here to see her born. I also had brought her into a world in the middle of for the lack of a better word, shit storm of drama. Something so innocent should never have to be subjected to any of this. Tipping the scales at a staggering 4lbs 10oz at birth she is probably over 5lbs now but I will know more at her next doctors appointment on Monday. Tomorrow she turns 2 weeks old. I cant believe that 14 days has already almost passed. The day after Mother's Day I had to put her daddy and the love of my life back on a plane to Florida. I thought that I was going to be able to handle it. I mean yea ok, I never did to well when it was just me having to tell him good bye all the times that I left him, but this time it wasn't just me but her that also had to say good bye and yes even though she is small and really doesn't know all that is going on, it was the hardest thing I had to do was watch him turn that corner and disappear to the boarding gate. I cried for the next 3 days and to a point I still cry. I miss him. A LOT!
I know I have said it many times before, that I love this man with all that I am, but I do. He has been my rock when all I have wanted to do is give up. He has stuck by me through a lot of tough shit in my life when even people that live close to me didn't seem to give a damn...well with the exception of my mother. He has been my sounding board when all I need to do is vent. He has never judged me, never expected anything but who and what I am from me. He takes me as I am faults and all. He has never wanted to change me, he has never asked for anything more from me than he would expect me to ask of himself. He has stood by me when it mattered most. He has loved me unconditionally even when I could not love myself. He has gone above and beyond anything I could ever ask for. He isn't rich, he doesn't have all the nicest things in the world, he has been given his share of shit to deal with, he isn't the perfect person, he may not always say the right things, he isn't the super sappy romantic man that you see in the movies, he is who he is and that is the man that I fell in love with and want to spend the rest of my life raising our daughter together. We are going to falter, we are going to fail at somethings, but if we can raise her to the best of our ability while supporting and loving each other and never taking each other for granted, then I think we will achieve great success...
Friday, May 17, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Trust
I have a problem, and the first step in solving a problem is admitting you have one right?
Ok well then I am here to admit, I have a problem with trust. I guess if you can really call it a problem. I trust my guy with all my heart, and every time he is going to hang out with someone he calls me to see if I have an issue with it. Which I don't. I don't want to be the one to come between him and his friends. I mean they were there before me and have known him longer than I have.
Maybe it is just the hormones from pregnancy talking, but I have felt this way before I got pregnant. Is it the distance? Is it my own personal insecurities? And what is the deal with me being extremely ok when he goes and hangs with a guy friend, but damn near freak myself out when he wants to hang with a female friend? I have guy friends and I have girl friends and he should be able to as well. Is this just one of those Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus moments? Something that is a catch-22 when it comes to the opposite sexes?
I just feel like a horrible girlfriend because I have so many trust issues and doubts when he has never once given me a reason to feel this way. Is it because of my past? Or an I just that insecure and unsure of myself?
I personally think that it is all in my head. After all he does call me every day, multiple times a day. He even called me after he scared the living hell out of himself thinking he lost the ring I had bought him. I mean if I wasn't supposed to trust him would he even give a damn to do all the things that he does.. Probably not.
I am really hoping that one of these days I will be able to not doubt myself as much as I do, which is A LOT!
Ok well then I am here to admit, I have a problem with trust. I guess if you can really call it a problem. I trust my guy with all my heart, and every time he is going to hang out with someone he calls me to see if I have an issue with it. Which I don't. I don't want to be the one to come between him and his friends. I mean they were there before me and have known him longer than I have.
Maybe it is just the hormones from pregnancy talking, but I have felt this way before I got pregnant. Is it the distance? Is it my own personal insecurities? And what is the deal with me being extremely ok when he goes and hangs with a guy friend, but damn near freak myself out when he wants to hang with a female friend? I have guy friends and I have girl friends and he should be able to as well. Is this just one of those Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus moments? Something that is a catch-22 when it comes to the opposite sexes?
I just feel like a horrible girlfriend because I have so many trust issues and doubts when he has never once given me a reason to feel this way. Is it because of my past? Or an I just that insecure and unsure of myself?
I personally think that it is all in my head. After all he does call me every day, multiple times a day. He even called me after he scared the living hell out of himself thinking he lost the ring I had bought him. I mean if I wasn't supposed to trust him would he even give a damn to do all the things that he does.. Probably not.
I am really hoping that one of these days I will be able to not doubt myself as much as I do, which is A LOT!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Overactive on the Verge of Bat Shit Crazy......
Screaming, pounding against the wall, crying. Giving up seemed like the only way to go.
I knew it was a dream, but for whatever reason I could not make myself wake. I felt the wetness of the pillow beneath my head but yet my eyes refused to open. I was stuck there in that corner with nowhere to run. Everyone had disappeared, not a single soul was there to hear my screams.
The shadow appeared and told me it was time and everything was going to end. I heard the shot and everything went black, then there was peace. It was then and only then my body let me wake. The room was dark, there was no sound. My breathing was labored and unsteady.
It was still early. I decided to lay back down. This time I was in the hospital, my daughter in my arms. He was standing there looking at her and me, no emotion was showing on his face. The words he said to me stung like a slap in the face. "I can't do this" With that he turned and left. Everyone around me was rejoycing. She was being passed around from person to person everyone fawning over how adorable she was. All I could do was stare at the place that he once stood. Shocked, saddened, and just wanting to cry. That was it? It was that easy to turn away and throw away a year or more of what I thought had been something that happened once in a lifetime? Did he ever really care? He had to, he told me he loved me every day, went out of his way to let me know what he was doing, took time off work to spend with me, talked about our future (somewhat), claimed me as his girl, texted me every morning, called me multiple times a day. And he just washed his hands of it all?
I woke with a start.... these dreams have really got to stop. I am not sure emotionally how much more I can take. Money is better (not great but better), pregnancy is showing no issues other than she is still small and they are wanting me to go as long as I can even if that means carrying a month or more past when I am due. If I go into labor fine, if I don't they will either let it go natural or if she shows signs of being big enough and far enough in development then they will take her via c-section.
My move to Florida is on hold until I can get the money together to get there. I unfortunately can't do it on my own and will be relying on the jackass to move with me. I don't know if it the fact that I am on bed rest and it is making me stir crazy but I have been trying to occupy my mind and not let things bother me, not read to far into things, and to not make something big out of something that is not even there.
I cry because I have to be so far away from him and it is nothing that either of us can wave a wand and remidy. I guess I am just wanting to much all at once. I want him, I want our daughter, I want our home, I want my life with him. I hate being so far away from him and relying on technology to keep us together. I left my heart in Florida and so desperetly want to be where my heart lies. As the movie says...."Home is where the heart is"
I want his arms around me, I want his kiss, I want to hear his heart beat and feel the warmth of his touch. I want him next to me, I want to wake up to him every morning, and as stupid as this may sound but I want to even do the most mundane things with him, grocery shopping, laundry, sitting at the house while he plays his game and I play mine. I just want my life, my love, my strength, my light, my angel in disguise.
Will he ever know how much I truly love him, will he ever know that I would give my life to save him. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. Yet a large part of me is scared out of my mind, why all the fears. By now I shouldn't have any......so then why is there still the lingering tug of uncertainty?
Maybe playing some Warcraft or Torchlight 2 will take my mind off things... well at least for a while.
I knew it was a dream, but for whatever reason I could not make myself wake. I felt the wetness of the pillow beneath my head but yet my eyes refused to open. I was stuck there in that corner with nowhere to run. Everyone had disappeared, not a single soul was there to hear my screams.
The shadow appeared and told me it was time and everything was going to end. I heard the shot and everything went black, then there was peace. It was then and only then my body let me wake. The room was dark, there was no sound. My breathing was labored and unsteady.
It was still early. I decided to lay back down. This time I was in the hospital, my daughter in my arms. He was standing there looking at her and me, no emotion was showing on his face. The words he said to me stung like a slap in the face. "I can't do this" With that he turned and left. Everyone around me was rejoycing. She was being passed around from person to person everyone fawning over how adorable she was. All I could do was stare at the place that he once stood. Shocked, saddened, and just wanting to cry. That was it? It was that easy to turn away and throw away a year or more of what I thought had been something that happened once in a lifetime? Did he ever really care? He had to, he told me he loved me every day, went out of his way to let me know what he was doing, took time off work to spend with me, talked about our future (somewhat), claimed me as his girl, texted me every morning, called me multiple times a day. And he just washed his hands of it all?
I woke with a start.... these dreams have really got to stop. I am not sure emotionally how much more I can take. Money is better (not great but better), pregnancy is showing no issues other than she is still small and they are wanting me to go as long as I can even if that means carrying a month or more past when I am due. If I go into labor fine, if I don't they will either let it go natural or if she shows signs of being big enough and far enough in development then they will take her via c-section.
My move to Florida is on hold until I can get the money together to get there. I unfortunately can't do it on my own and will be relying on the jackass to move with me. I don't know if it the fact that I am on bed rest and it is making me stir crazy but I have been trying to occupy my mind and not let things bother me, not read to far into things, and to not make something big out of something that is not even there.
I cry because I have to be so far away from him and it is nothing that either of us can wave a wand and remidy. I guess I am just wanting to much all at once. I want him, I want our daughter, I want our home, I want my life with him. I hate being so far away from him and relying on technology to keep us together. I left my heart in Florida and so desperetly want to be where my heart lies. As the movie says...."Home is where the heart is"
I want his arms around me, I want his kiss, I want to hear his heart beat and feel the warmth of his touch. I want him next to me, I want to wake up to him every morning, and as stupid as this may sound but I want to even do the most mundane things with him, grocery shopping, laundry, sitting at the house while he plays his game and I play mine. I just want my life, my love, my strength, my light, my angel in disguise.
Will he ever know how much I truly love him, will he ever know that I would give my life to save him. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. Yet a large part of me is scared out of my mind, why all the fears. By now I shouldn't have any......so then why is there still the lingering tug of uncertainty?
Maybe playing some Warcraft or Torchlight 2 will take my mind off things... well at least for a while.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Beyond Stressed!
Ever get a feeling something is wrong but you're not sure what. I
have been having that nagging feeling for a couple of weeks now and I am
not sure how to go about bringing it up. I don't know what the issue
is, if there is even one at all. Part of me thinks that it is just my
mind being over productive and making something out of something that
isn't there. How do I bring up the subject though.
"Hey babe something is different.. do you want me to just leave you the hell alone?"
Yeah that would go over great...
My bills keep piling up and I cry constantly. I am in pain all the time and I am not sure what is going to happen from one day to the next. Loving him is what is keeping me going when all I want to do is give up. Even through distance he has been what has gotten me from one day to the next.
I am finding it very hard to keep my head above the water. My bills are getting farther and farther behind. I really need to find work but the doctors have told me it wasn't a good idea and that I need to wait til after the baby is born. I might not have a roof over my head by that time.
I need to find homes for my animals and deep down I know what I have to do. I look at each of them and they give me that look of helplessness and I just fall to pieces.
My health is taking it's toll on me and I find it hard to get up in the morning to face another day. Partially because if the bill situation, and basically because of the sleeplessness and just being so uncomfortable.
I am worried about my baby because she yet again has stopped developing and the doctors are wanting me to carry a full month or more over my due date if she does not continue to grow. They say there is a good chance for birth issues and that she will have developmental disabilities. All of which I will deal with as they come. I don't have any strength or any energy, I am losing weight again, which the doctors didn't want, yet in order to keep my blood sugars in check I have to weigh and measure and count everything I eat. It is a very difficult task.
I am ready to just walk away from it all. The only thing I don't want to walk away from is him and our daughter, but even that is complicated. Neither of us has the money for a place of our own, and my doctors and providers are here part of the reason I stay.
I am worried about him and everything that he has going on in his life. I wonder every day if he is ready for what is coming next with the baby and everything. I have prepared myself to do this on my own and I would not hold a single thing against him if he told me he couldn't handle it and just wanted to walk away. Yes this was a surprise to both of us. We were careful, we took precautions, but due to a little misinformation or actually no information at all from the doctor about meds I was on rendering birth control ineffective this is what happened and I am now dealing with it's consequence. I am ready for a complete change in my life, and if he doesn't want that responsibility I am not going to force him to.
I wonder every day if I am truly what he wants or if there isn't someone out there that can make him happier. It hurts me to think that but I have literally turned his world upside down and inside out and I can only imagine what the roller-coaster feels like to him.
There are so many things I wish that I could go back and do over. I would have never quit my job because I thought that I could go back to school. I would have never said I do, and took the plunge. I would have never left Florida and just made a life for myself down there.
I am trying to balance the balls I have been given in my life's juggling act.. but I am beginning to think that I am going to fail and not be able to keep all the balls in the air. I am adding more to it in a very short time and not sure if I can keep going.
I just want to curl up by his side and just cry. Not a word to be spoken just to feel his love and know that he wishes me no harm,
I love him so much, but part of me wonders how much more he is willing to deal with before he would just tell me he can't do it anymore. I am so scared to lose someone who means so much to me.
I try to find things to occupy my mind because when I have nothing but time to think is usually when the blogs like this end up getting written. I keep telling myself that everything will work out the way it is supposed to and this is just a stepping stone in the plan that is my life. I take it one day at a time as hard as that is, and no matter what I will survive, even when I think I can't.
"Hey babe something is different.. do you want me to just leave you the hell alone?"
Yeah that would go over great...
My bills keep piling up and I cry constantly. I am in pain all the time and I am not sure what is going to happen from one day to the next. Loving him is what is keeping me going when all I want to do is give up. Even through distance he has been what has gotten me from one day to the next.
I am finding it very hard to keep my head above the water. My bills are getting farther and farther behind. I really need to find work but the doctors have told me it wasn't a good idea and that I need to wait til after the baby is born. I might not have a roof over my head by that time.
I need to find homes for my animals and deep down I know what I have to do. I look at each of them and they give me that look of helplessness and I just fall to pieces.
My health is taking it's toll on me and I find it hard to get up in the morning to face another day. Partially because if the bill situation, and basically because of the sleeplessness and just being so uncomfortable.
I am worried about my baby because she yet again has stopped developing and the doctors are wanting me to carry a full month or more over my due date if she does not continue to grow. They say there is a good chance for birth issues and that she will have developmental disabilities. All of which I will deal with as they come. I don't have any strength or any energy, I am losing weight again, which the doctors didn't want, yet in order to keep my blood sugars in check I have to weigh and measure and count everything I eat. It is a very difficult task.
I am ready to just walk away from it all. The only thing I don't want to walk away from is him and our daughter, but even that is complicated. Neither of us has the money for a place of our own, and my doctors and providers are here part of the reason I stay.
I am worried about him and everything that he has going on in his life. I wonder every day if he is ready for what is coming next with the baby and everything. I have prepared myself to do this on my own and I would not hold a single thing against him if he told me he couldn't handle it and just wanted to walk away. Yes this was a surprise to both of us. We were careful, we took precautions, but due to a little misinformation or actually no information at all from the doctor about meds I was on rendering birth control ineffective this is what happened and I am now dealing with it's consequence. I am ready for a complete change in my life, and if he doesn't want that responsibility I am not going to force him to.
I wonder every day if I am truly what he wants or if there isn't someone out there that can make him happier. It hurts me to think that but I have literally turned his world upside down and inside out and I can only imagine what the roller-coaster feels like to him.
There are so many things I wish that I could go back and do over. I would have never quit my job because I thought that I could go back to school. I would have never said I do, and took the plunge. I would have never left Florida and just made a life for myself down there.
I am trying to balance the balls I have been given in my life's juggling act.. but I am beginning to think that I am going to fail and not be able to keep all the balls in the air. I am adding more to it in a very short time and not sure if I can keep going.
I just want to curl up by his side and just cry. Not a word to be spoken just to feel his love and know that he wishes me no harm,
I love him so much, but part of me wonders how much more he is willing to deal with before he would just tell me he can't do it anymore. I am so scared to lose someone who means so much to me.
I try to find things to occupy my mind because when I have nothing but time to think is usually when the blogs like this end up getting written. I keep telling myself that everything will work out the way it is supposed to and this is just a stepping stone in the plan that is my life. I take it one day at a time as hard as that is, and no matter what I will survive, even when I think I can't.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Take it or leave it...I am me
Tonight is my last night here and then I have to return to the bitter coldness of the north. Tomorrow the doctors will tell me what my next step is.
So tonight as I sit and let the tears fall while listening to his song, I am not crying because of sadness. I am crying out of love. Confused, let me see if I can explain.
I cry out of love because I am not going to be able to turn over every morning and open my eyes to see him there. I will not receive a good morning kiss on the forehead. I will not have him by my side as lab results are read and test diagnostics done. I am crying because when night falls and I am left with my thoughts I know that he too will be looking to the stars and thinking the same thing... be safe my love, and come back to me.
I am crying out of love for someone who even though they don't think they are, are one of the most magnificent people I have ever met. I can not help but have a smile on my face just thinking about a screwy joke he would crack, or a dorky comment that he would make. Why? Because it is what made me fall in love with him in the first place.
He has never judged me, he has never looked at my imperfections, he has never taken me for what I am not. He has accepted me, myself and I for everything that I am. Sickness and in health.
I am not a Victoria Secret model, I don't have a fancy car, I don't have millions of dollars, I am not the smartest person in the world. I am a person who makes mistakes, I am a person who finds it hard to admit that they are wrong, but who will do it any way, I am a person who looks at herself in the mirror and sees her imperfections.
I am a person with a heart of gold, that would save every abandoned animal, and adopt every orphaned child, who would pay for every poor persons food, shelter, and medical care if she had all the money in the world. I am a person that wishes for a better tomorrow for my child, who hopes that war and hatred would stop, who cries for no apparent reason than other to just cry.
I may not be society's idea of normal, nor do I want to be. I want to be me, and individual who won't be the perfect parent, but who will be the best parent that she can be. I won't be the greatest girlfriend of all time, but will try my hardest to be his equal and support him when he needs it, I am not the worlds best daughter, but when push comes to shove would drop everything to be by my mother's side in times of hardship.
I am judgemental at times, I am stubborn, I am quick to assume, I may falter and be unsteady, but that is just part of life. I don't know if I will ever leave a lasting mark on all mankind and make it into history books, but I do know that the one thing I wish to attain in life, is that when my times comes and I am to depart is that someone out there remembers me for me, and stops to say to someone "I really wish you could have met her, she was an amazing person and she was part of my life and for that I will forever be thankful."
If I can achieve that then I as a person have achieved success
So tonight as I sit and let the tears fall while listening to his song, I am not crying because of sadness. I am crying out of love. Confused, let me see if I can explain.
I cry out of love because I am not going to be able to turn over every morning and open my eyes to see him there. I will not receive a good morning kiss on the forehead. I will not have him by my side as lab results are read and test diagnostics done. I am crying because when night falls and I am left with my thoughts I know that he too will be looking to the stars and thinking the same thing... be safe my love, and come back to me.
I am crying out of love for someone who even though they don't think they are, are one of the most magnificent people I have ever met. I can not help but have a smile on my face just thinking about a screwy joke he would crack, or a dorky comment that he would make. Why? Because it is what made me fall in love with him in the first place.
He has never judged me, he has never looked at my imperfections, he has never taken me for what I am not. He has accepted me, myself and I for everything that I am. Sickness and in health.
I am not a Victoria Secret model, I don't have a fancy car, I don't have millions of dollars, I am not the smartest person in the world. I am a person who makes mistakes, I am a person who finds it hard to admit that they are wrong, but who will do it any way, I am a person who looks at herself in the mirror and sees her imperfections.
I am a person with a heart of gold, that would save every abandoned animal, and adopt every orphaned child, who would pay for every poor persons food, shelter, and medical care if she had all the money in the world. I am a person that wishes for a better tomorrow for my child, who hopes that war and hatred would stop, who cries for no apparent reason than other to just cry.
I may not be society's idea of normal, nor do I want to be. I want to be me, and individual who won't be the perfect parent, but who will be the best parent that she can be. I won't be the greatest girlfriend of all time, but will try my hardest to be his equal and support him when he needs it, I am not the worlds best daughter, but when push comes to shove would drop everything to be by my mother's side in times of hardship.
I am judgemental at times, I am stubborn, I am quick to assume, I may falter and be unsteady, but that is just part of life. I don't know if I will ever leave a lasting mark on all mankind and make it into history books, but I do know that the one thing I wish to attain in life, is that when my times comes and I am to depart is that someone out there remembers me for me, and stops to say to someone "I really wish you could have met her, she was an amazing person and she was part of my life and for that I will forever be thankful."
If I can achieve that then I as a person have achieved success
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Full Monty
In a couple short days I am leaving the love of my life and the place that I long to call home. Neither one of us are taking it very well. Not only because we do not want to be apart from each other but because we are not sure I will ever be back.
No I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but there is more to all this than everyone knows. My body is shutting down and I am in a matter of terms dying. I have been in renal failure since I was 17, I have had ups and downs. I have had bad times and good times.
All this time like I said in my previous post I am used to doing everything on my own, and now that I don't have to I find myself in a very unusual position.
My thing is that I have lived with this for so long and I have had time to prepare myself for what could happen and would most likely eventually happen, but then again it was just me. I was ready for anything. I now find myself not ready for any of it.
It was one of the reasons that I took the precautions I did with the birth control and everything because knowing with my incredibly sucky health that getting pregnant and carrying the pregnancy was almost a guaranteed death sentence. Yet by the time I found out that I was pregnant, it was to far along to terminate the pregnancy and once I saw her on the screen I was done. I was going to do everything in my physical power and give my all including my life to bring this little innocent bundle of joy into the world.
Now I am faced with the very scary realization that he maybe raising this child on his own, with out me there. Every day he will be living with a reminder of me. Will he see me in her eyes, her smile, her laugh. Will she have my stubborn hardheadedness. Will she be the spitfire that her mother is. One thing I know for sure, is that he will love her unconditionally regardless. He will have my mother and my family there to help him with anything he ever needs for her.
I can feel my body day by day getting weaker but I am trying to be brave and trying with all my might to put a smile on my face. At night when he is at work I have time to sit and think, I talk to our daughter and tell her what a lucky little girl she is to have him as her daddy.
I am not scared about starting treatment I am used to having procedures and treatments and doctors appointments and this that and the other. What does terrify me is of what and who I am going to leave behind if the worst happens.
However, I will let each and everyone of them, my family, my daughter, and the love of my life know every min of every day that I love each and everyone of them and will til I take my last breath. As much as I hope that I am old, grey and wrinkled when that last breath comes, I will do whatever I have to.
No I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but there is more to all this than everyone knows. My body is shutting down and I am in a matter of terms dying. I have been in renal failure since I was 17, I have had ups and downs. I have had bad times and good times.
All this time like I said in my previous post I am used to doing everything on my own, and now that I don't have to I find myself in a very unusual position.
My thing is that I have lived with this for so long and I have had time to prepare myself for what could happen and would most likely eventually happen, but then again it was just me. I was ready for anything. I now find myself not ready for any of it.
It was one of the reasons that I took the precautions I did with the birth control and everything because knowing with my incredibly sucky health that getting pregnant and carrying the pregnancy was almost a guaranteed death sentence. Yet by the time I found out that I was pregnant, it was to far along to terminate the pregnancy and once I saw her on the screen I was done. I was going to do everything in my physical power and give my all including my life to bring this little innocent bundle of joy into the world.
Now I am faced with the very scary realization that he maybe raising this child on his own, with out me there. Every day he will be living with a reminder of me. Will he see me in her eyes, her smile, her laugh. Will she have my stubborn hardheadedness. Will she be the spitfire that her mother is. One thing I know for sure, is that he will love her unconditionally regardless. He will have my mother and my family there to help him with anything he ever needs for her.
I can feel my body day by day getting weaker but I am trying to be brave and trying with all my might to put a smile on my face. At night when he is at work I have time to sit and think, I talk to our daughter and tell her what a lucky little girl she is to have him as her daddy.
I am not scared about starting treatment I am used to having procedures and treatments and doctors appointments and this that and the other. What does terrify me is of what and who I am going to leave behind if the worst happens.
However, I will let each and everyone of them, my family, my daughter, and the love of my life know every min of every day that I love each and everyone of them and will til I take my last breath. As much as I hope that I am old, grey and wrinkled when that last breath comes, I will do whatever I have to.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Exhaustion
Physically and mentally I am toast. I have never been in the situation I now find myself in. Usually I am left to fight my battles alone. Now I have someone who is willing to fight them right beside me and I am not sure how to feel.
From the time I was 16 until 3 years ago I saved and saved all that I could. I had a $17 an hour job, I thought I had a good marriage, I was in a position to go back to school and finally get my degree. Within 6 months my $20k savings was gone, money was tight and I left school to attempt to get work, my marriage was to the point where there was no saving it, I ended up getting extremely sick, and because of someone on a power trip I didn't get my $17 and hour job back.
10 months ago I met someone that would become a huge part of my life, even bigger than I could imagin. We have had our share of issues mainly having to do with my health and and issue that refuses to give me what I want so that I can move on and make a move for the better.
He is under enough stress with the things in his life, that I sometimes feel like I am just making his life even harder because of the things that I am facing on my end. I get upset and I get frustrated and that is when I get quiet. I am used to doing things on my own and to know that the things that are affecting me are affecting him to is a very very new concept. I have never had to account for someone elses emotions and well being before, and I love this man very very very deeply.
How does someone go from being little miss independent most of her life and striving for her goals in life, and her aspirations to that of adding another person to it, and above all I am not just adding one more person but in a few short months I will be adding a third person.
Yet for someone who is used to doing things on her own and fighting her own battles when I think I am about to my breaking point is when the urge for intimacy comes into play. I want to be held, I want someone to kiss all the pain away, I want that physical connection that sometimes I feel is so lost. Why if I am so used to doing things on my own, do I get the urge for intimacy?
Sometimes I feel like an insecure little girl who can never do anything right and seems to depend on everyone else to make all my choices for me, yet I am the one that makes them all and sometimes none of them seem right. Ever feel that you have failed as a person? I know that feeling all to well sometimes it seems.
Does any of this make sense? Probably not. Am I any closer to answers that I seek than I was when I started? Nope....Will I ever be? Maybe.
One thing that I do know for sure is that less than 100 feet away from me is a man that loves me and for whatever reason that is, is willing to stick by me and love me no matter what comes my way. He is ready to stand by my side and put his emotional make up to the test, just as I do mine. For whatever reason, he is mine and I am his and together we will get through this. I am not sure how, or when, but I do know that one day eventually I will be fine, and it will be because we got through it together. What day will that be? Only time will tell.
From the time I was 16 until 3 years ago I saved and saved all that I could. I had a $17 an hour job, I thought I had a good marriage, I was in a position to go back to school and finally get my degree. Within 6 months my $20k savings was gone, money was tight and I left school to attempt to get work, my marriage was to the point where there was no saving it, I ended up getting extremely sick, and because of someone on a power trip I didn't get my $17 and hour job back.
10 months ago I met someone that would become a huge part of my life, even bigger than I could imagin. We have had our share of issues mainly having to do with my health and and issue that refuses to give me what I want so that I can move on and make a move for the better.
He is under enough stress with the things in his life, that I sometimes feel like I am just making his life even harder because of the things that I am facing on my end. I get upset and I get frustrated and that is when I get quiet. I am used to doing things on my own and to know that the things that are affecting me are affecting him to is a very very new concept. I have never had to account for someone elses emotions and well being before, and I love this man very very very deeply.
How does someone go from being little miss independent most of her life and striving for her goals in life, and her aspirations to that of adding another person to it, and above all I am not just adding one more person but in a few short months I will be adding a third person.
Yet for someone who is used to doing things on her own and fighting her own battles when I think I am about to my breaking point is when the urge for intimacy comes into play. I want to be held, I want someone to kiss all the pain away, I want that physical connection that sometimes I feel is so lost. Why if I am so used to doing things on my own, do I get the urge for intimacy?
Sometimes I feel like an insecure little girl who can never do anything right and seems to depend on everyone else to make all my choices for me, yet I am the one that makes them all and sometimes none of them seem right. Ever feel that you have failed as a person? I know that feeling all to well sometimes it seems.
Does any of this make sense? Probably not. Am I any closer to answers that I seek than I was when I started? Nope....Will I ever be? Maybe.
One thing that I do know for sure is that less than 100 feet away from me is a man that loves me and for whatever reason that is, is willing to stick by me and love me no matter what comes my way. He is ready to stand by my side and put his emotional make up to the test, just as I do mine. For whatever reason, he is mine and I am his and together we will get through this. I am not sure how, or when, but I do know that one day eventually I will be fine, and it will be because we got through it together. What day will that be? Only time will tell.
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