24 Hours of Silence

So in less than 12 hours I will be starting 24 hours of silence between me and the love of my life. We have decided to start it tonight because he will be sleeping tonight  due to having to work all day tomorrow, and I will be sitting down and hashing things out regarding the divorce with my soon to be ex. So we figured that it was as good a time as any to do this exercise my therapist wants me to do. We will be able to talk Saturday night and then we will be able to tell each other about our days and get any frustrations out. It is going to be very hard for me to go 24 hours without talking to him or texting him and I am sure that I will have a few pictures of little one to send to him by the time we can break the 24 hour vow of silence.  One of the reasons my therapist wants me to do this with a few of the important people in my life is because he wants to see how dependant I am on everyone else. I feel that I am a very independent person, but he says it isn’t in the physical aspect of dependency. He says it is a mental and emotional dependency, and for that he wants to know if my level of dependency in that aspect is healthy. He believes it is, but he says this will consciously prove other things. Then he started talking all psychological like and well sometimes I have a tendency to zone out and hear nothing but what sounds like the teacher in the Snoopy cartoons.

I was also told by my therapist to write letters to a few people that I love and tell them how I feel about them, where I think I am excelling in the relationship, and where I am failing in the relationship, and then to get feedback from them on what I have written. He is telling me that by doing these two exercises it is going to strengthen my relationships and make me more aware of things around me. We shall see.

After a long night of ups and downs with the little one I am doing nothing but dragging tail today and there is a crap load of things that I want to do, or should say I need to do. I need to schedule another therapy session and I need to make doctor’s appointments. I need to make some payment arrangements for bills and I need to get more done on the divorce decree.  When all I really want to do today is to crawl into bed and sleep. I would be so much better if my love was here because then I would have someone I could snuggle up to.  If it wasn’t for the heat I would put little one in her stroller and I would take a nice long walk and start to get going on the weight loss and trying to get myself healthier, but with temps in the high 90’s and heat index with almost 100 percent humidity in the low 100’s to 110’s I have opted to stay indoors. So little one and I have been playing some music and dancing and rocking out.

I guess the way that I need to look at my therapy sessions is a voyage of self discovery and self preservation. To look deep into my past and confront the demons that I have long ago suppressed and hoped never to see again, and by confronting the things in my past I can get through it and move on and be for the better. I am just concerned that the things in my past are going to open a whole new can of worms and influence and possibly ruin the relationships I have now. I am all for this if it is going to help me and get rid of the bad dreams, and everything else from my past that seems to not let go, but I don’t want to have my current relationships suffer for it.

First Steps To Self Discovery....or Self Destruction

I have been attempting to write this blog post for almost a week now but I can’t seem to get all the thoughts to make sense and end up deleting it because I don’t like the way that it sounds. I have come to the conclusion that I do have a little bit of depression going on. The man I love is 1200 miles away from me and there is nothing I can immediately do to remedy that. My daughter is still recovering from getting her two month shots and the reaction that followed that. She also had the tongue tie she had from birth fixed and I am sure that counted for some of the pain and fussiness. Things are starting to get difficult with my soon to be ex and him and I just end up fighting every time we talk to each other. My love keeps telling me not to talk to him unless I have to and usually that is what I do. I call him or text him for something that I need to talk to him about having to do with the divorce or things at the house and yet we still end up fighting. I don’t wish any ill will on my ex and all I want is for him to be happy in whatever endeavor he chooses. I don’t possess the bone in my body that allows me to hate someone. I can very much dislike someone. I don’t hate my biological father, I dislike him very much but I cannot hate him. I hope that he is happy in Texas and that he has found someone that makes him happy and that he is loving the life he has made for himself.  My love has talked about moving up here to be with me and our daughter while I am dealing with all this crap. Part of me wishes he would so that he and I can be together but then another part of me wishes for him to stay put in Florida where he is already established and has a job. All I want for him to do is follow his heart and be happy where ever that may take him.  

Today I take another step. It has been suggested because of the bad dreams that I have and the nightmares from things in my past that I seek professional help, because talking to friends and family about it just doesn’t seem to be helping.  Today was my first session with a therapist. I don’t like to discuss things with a complete stranger. Especially very personal things.  The person I talked to today wants me to do a set of exercises and some treatments to see if I have something called Conversion Disorder. The doctor said the reason he thinks that I might have it is because of my history of anxiety and stress and today when I came in he could tell I was anxious and when things started to turn to stressful situations in my life my ticks and fits that I have (almost like small seizures or tremors) seemed to increase and it was only when I seemed to be stressed or anxious even if the situation itself wasn’t.  We also figured out that the tremors and fits started after I was diagnosed with something called Meiners Disease that is something that will deteriorate over time and affect my hearing. In a very short time I have had a lot of things cumulate and come to a head. Including things from my past, the imminent divorce with my husband, kind of being a single mom (not by choice and it is terrible for the both of us. Her father is an active part of her life as much as he can be right now. A situation hopefully to be shortly remedied.) My health issues, my financial stress, and a couple other things. With all of that hitting the proverbial fan all at the same time it has become too much on me and they are thinking my body is trying to deal with it in the only way it can by giving me fits of muscle spasms and tremors, essentially converting my anxiety into a physical issue.

As if my health issues were not enough of a pain in the butt, my family is now gone off the deep end. Starting all kinds of drama amongst everyone. I try my best to ignore it because frankly I don’t have the energy for it, I am above acting like a juvenile, I have someone else I need to focus my energy on called my child, and a whole slew of other things that I don’t have time to play the childish games just because everyone has stopped catering to them and stopped focusing all their time, energy, and money on them. Time to grow up fellas.

For the first time in my therapy session today I had to do something that I am not usually comfortable with and usually only share with my writings that are not posted in my blog. I had to talk about my relationship with the love of my life. I had to discuss my fears, my hopes, my expectations.  He asked me if I saw the relationship going long term. He asked about marriage in the future. He asked if I thought that my love would be able to handle the relationship when things got tough and he meant tougher than they are now. He asked me things that I actually wasn’t able to answer. Mainly because he said my thoughts of how things are going and if we are able to get through some of the things he asked, could be the complete opposite of how my love feels, and he didn’t want to see a one sided relationship. So I have been given the task of doing some paper exercises and writing exercises. Part of me feels like it is in school again. At least I don’t have to break out the dolls and explain it with puppets. That would just be weird.

They also want me to start something called Psychodynamic  Psychotherapy, hoping to get to the unconscious content in my brain that I guess stems back to childhood and to see if that relieves any of the tension and issues I am having.

I also told him that I feel that I am failing as a mom because I do become so easily frustrated with her and have to walk away a lot of times. I know babies cry but mine seem to cry a lot more than most. Yes she has had a case of the colic but they said that was over, yet she stuff fusses none stop.  I don’t know what I am doing wrong.  I don’t want to have the feeling towards my child that they have done nothing but complicate my life but at the same time I love her unconditionally and would do anything for her. One should never feel that way against their own flesh and blood, so then why am I having those feelings. Right now she is in her crib screaming at the top of her lungs and I don’t know why. She is clean, she is dry, and she is full. I don’t know what else to do. Is she over tired, am I not spending enough time with her when I am with her constantly. Or is there something more wrong. I have taken her to the doctors and they say she is in great health and doing fantastic….so then what is the problem?!  

I also feel that I am failing as a girlfriend and I am unable to do what I need to on that front.  Sometimes I feel I am failing emotionally and mentally, and all the time I feel I am failing physically. He is so stressed out and frustrated and there is nothing I can do to alleviate that, if anything I am just complicating the problem tenfold. I feel as though him and I have lost some of the connection that we used to have in the beginning and I don’t know what to do to get that back. Maybe I am not the one to give him that connection. As much as I hate to feel that way, sometimes I just don’t feel adequate in that aspect and wonder if I am doing more harm than good.  I mean I love this man a lot and would do anything for him, and want nothing more than to make him happy and satisfied. The therapist that I am seeing wants me to not talk to the love of my life for one night and then tell him how that made me and the love of my life feel. I can like statuses and share links on facebook but he doesn’t want me to make phone contact, text message, or message on any messaging program. I told him that I was already going to hate it, but if it something he wants done for the therapy then I guess I will do it.

Changes

After I got little one down for a nap today. I decided to lay down to. It didn't last all that long since my dreams started again.

I know that they are only dreams and I don't know why I have been having them. Things between him and I are just fine other than for the part of us being 1200 miles apart, yet in my dream I had to watch him laugh and hug and kiss some other girl, as I stood there and held our daughter. This other girl wasn't a family member, she was someone I didn't know. My heart broke as I had to watch this. I tried to wake myself but for some reason I couldn't so in the dream I did what I thought I had to do, I tried to walk away, but all that did was turn me in circles and lead me right back to where they stood and it would be a cycle all over again.

After waking up I went and took a long shower because I was trying to clear all the hurt out of my head even though I knew it was a dream. After getting out of the shower I stood in front of the mirror and all I saw where things that I needed to change about myself. I needed to lose more weight, I needed to tone parts of my body that need to be toned. I saw all my flaws and all my scars. Everything that I don't like about myself was loud and in my face. I don't know how someone can look at this and want this. I know that it is probably all in my head and just things that I see wrong with myself, but I still wonder, why he chose me.

Now that my body has changed with having the baby I think  the way that I see myself is even worse. I know that I should not have this poor self image of myself and I am truly trying to change it, for the most part when I meet someone I have this, I don't care if you like me or  not attitude, but when it comes to being in a relationship with someone I always see the worse in myself and I am not sure why I do that. Is it because that is the way things have been in my past and I have always been told that there is no way that anyone can love me for the way I look and that I better be glad I can make someone laugh and I have a sarcastic personality. Yes I have been told that most of my life and by the men in my life that should mean the most to me. My biological father being the biggest and then both of my most serious relationships (not including the one I am in right now)

Is any of this making sense or have I just rambled myself right into oblivion....yea most likely. I guess what I am wanting most in my life is for someone to look at me and go "dammit man, what is she doing with me and why am I so lucky" and I believe I have finally found him. Now if he will just want to stay for years. I'm in this for the long haul if he is willing to be in it for the long haul too....

Black Sheep Status: Confirmed!

So I have officially been labled the black sheep of my family since the decisions that I have made over the last year and a half are not to the taste of my family. Now that my daughter is born all of the true colors from family memebers are coming to the surface.

Since I had a child with another man I have cast a bad name on the family.....Ok let me get this straight and clarify...we are talking about the same family which all of my aunts and uncles have been at least once divorced, where my biological father has been twice divorced, where my mother has been divorced and re-married, where my brother's "wife" is still married to her first husband and her and my brother have a daughter together.....

ISN'T THAT THE SAME DAMN THING...I am still for all intents and purposes "married" yet I had a child with another man....Kettle, kettle yes hello kettle....this is pot....you be black bitch!

Things with my husband have been over for a while, we just have not made the move to make it official. Hell my husband is the one that is telling everyone that he thinks it was a mistake in the first  place to get married. I love knowing the fact that 7 years of my life have been a complete waste. Thanks douchenugget!

Yet all eyes are focused on me, why have I not gotten a job? why am I staying with my mother and not my husband? why am I not in Florida yet? what is taking so long with the divorce? why are you doing this, why are you doing that? Why don't you have any money?

Please excuse me while I get the podium set up for the freaking press conference. I will answer all your questions accordingly. *Steps to podium, proceeds to turn around, drops trou and moons all you piss ants!*Stick that in your tail pipe and smoke it.

Now that I have done that little moon dance allow me to set somethings straight:
1) No job- I had an emergency c-section and due to that and some other health issues I am not allowed to work for 6 to 8 weeks....hummm let me see we are just starting on week 3.
2)No place to call home- I am staying with my mom for a safe place for me and my daughter. Since I am seperated from my husband having my child in a bassinet in the living room while I couch surf because we don't share a marital bed anymore just seems like oh so much fun....umm I think not.
3) Florida bound? Yes, eventually. Right now there are some things that need to be set into place before any of that can happen. As much as I wish it had happened MONTHS ago.
4) I now pronounce you free from each other- Since I have no money because the IRS is taking their sweet ass time getting me my return I have no money to file for said divorce and I have something more important like bills to pay for. I can take care of the divorce no matter where I am so for now that sits on the back burner mmmmmK?
5)A moth in my wallet?- See said comment about the IRS taking its sweet ass time, accompanied by my lack of being able to work, and Ron losing his job and just now finding another.

Any other commentary or have I pretty much summed it all up for you.

Now I should clarify that the only people in my family that have stuck by me through this is my mom, and my sister. Everyone else is out for blood.

It is my life and I don't know what kind of difference it makes the choices I make in it. Why should they get a say in what I say or do? I didn't get to help you with your kitchen remodel, I didn't get to give my opinion if he should have gotten the end tables in your divorce, I really wouldn't have chosen that house it is too close to the bypass.... oh but wait you didn't ask/or want my opinion in your life choices so what the hell makes you think I want you to butt into mine.

Hell I am almost 32 years old. I have been away from home since I was 18 years old. I have been in the working world since I was 15. I have lived in Florida and Nebraska by myself. LAST I checked I was not 15 and pregnant therefore I don't need your opinion. This is also a different day and age than most of them are used to and I get that, but changing times means changing your view on some things.

I understand it would be different if I was with someone who abuses me and/or I had a major drug or alcohol addiction then by all means intervene and try and get me the help, express your opinion, tell me that I need to get to rehab or dump the douche, however, since NONE of that happens to be the case why should what I have done, will do, or am doing matter one freaking bit to you. If you are not directly involved then you shouldn't be getting in my face.

Rant over!

How Much Is One Person Able To Handle

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle at one time. Well then he must think I am made of a damn diamond because I have had a crap ton thrown at me in a very little amount of time. I am paddling as fast as I can to keep my head above water, but I still feel like I am an ant and God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass on a hot day and I am getting burned by the ray of sunshine.

I just got off the phone with the love of my life and he told me that he didn't like it when I am very very quiet because that is not me. Which is true.. I am usually never quiet. However, it is easier to be quiet when you are trying your hardest to not break down in to tears. It seems that all I do anymore is just sit and cry while trying to get from one day to the next. I know that there is no quick way to remedy this situation what so ever, as much as I wish that there was.

Again, I feel that I am adding so much stress to his life that he doesn't need and again I feel like a burden. I have been strong most of my life and I feel that I have finally met my breaking point.

I cry because:

We are so far apart from each other and it hurts so much
I feel that I am going to fail as a mom
I feel I am failing as a girlfriend
I feel I am failing as a person in general
I am not cleared to work so I am having a hard time remedying my financial situation
I feel like I can't call any place in particular home

I have been trying so hard to keep my anxiety attacks in check but in the end, I have ended up having 4 today. I am in constant pain and I have no more pain pills so I must work through it.

I just want to walk off a plane and into his arms and never have to leave. I want our family together. I want a place of our own, a job, the meaniel task of paying bills every month. The joy of watching him be a father and our little girl growing up. I am not wanting the fairytale. I am just wanting the person that I love the most, that has been my strength through it all, I am just wanting him...and I know that deep down that is what he wants too.

I am really not feeling like myself at all. I am usually strong-willed, determined, sure of myself, and right now I am none of those things. I feel very unsure of myself, very beaten, battered, and bruised. I feel that I have failed all those that I love. I know that I am not but I feel very much alone.

I talk to my daughter and tell her that this is not like her mommy at all. I tell her what a great person her father is, and how much I want us to be a family. I don't think she understands any of it..

I guess I will see if the brain will finally shut itself off for a bit so that I can have a break and rest... that is until the next feeding time comes around for little one.

When all hope is lost

Yes, this is going to be one of those blogs. If you don't wish to hear me bitch then turn around and walk right back out the door you came in.

This is my way of getting my thoughts out, a way to express myself. I am not asking anyone to read what I write or for that matter give a damn about anything I write.

For the first time in my life I feel like and utter and complete failure. I am not pulling the oh whoa is me card. I am just simply stating what I feel and I feel like a failure. Plain and simple.

I feel so displaced that I honestly feel the only place I feel like I could call a home right about now is the inside of my car. My home is not my home anymore or at least I don't feel welcomed there anymore. My mom's house isn't mine and the living situation there is less than stellar. I have no friends up here that I could go and stay with, and for the time being I do not have a place I can call home in the place that I really want to call home.

My financial situation is in ruins and I am not sure what to do next. I think one of the dumbest moves I ever made was to get married. As much as I would love to one day marry the man that I love more than anything I am scared shitless that it would ruin everything.

I am so stressed out that I am not sure if my comments are snarky and sarcastic or if I am being down right a major bitch. You know something is really wrong when you don't want to be on the phone with the person that you love because the min you hear their voice and the realization that they are as far away as they are hits, all you want to do is break down and cry. So instead you hang up the phone, get on the Internet, pour everything out in your blog and ball your eyes out like a baby while your child sleeps in peaceful bliss in what she thinks is a perfect world.

Oh if only that was the case. This tiny innocent creature has no idea what I am doing to just get from one day to the next because she depends on me too.. I can't give up I have to push forward if not only for myself but mostly for her.

No I am not writing a dear john I am going to jump off a bridge letter, so don't even assume I am so uber depressed that I am going to harm myself. I have never been that type of person. Yes life sucks sometimes. It wouldn't be life if it was easy peasy now would it.

Everything just so happens to be hitting me at once and with the increased hormones I am just one ball of stress, nerves, and inundated emotions. The fact that the love of my life is so far away from me and I can't just crumple into a heap in his arms and just cry and have him wipe away my tears does majorly bother me. Am I a hopeless romantic and just wanted everything to be peaches and cream....you're damn straight....is it reality, fuck no.

If my life was ever a romantic comedy it would be more comedy that romance... or at least that is the way it seems.

Part of me wonders if I am the right person for the one that I love, sometimes I think that I have just mearly complicated his life to a point where it would be easier to figure out a damn Rubik cube than to untwine the complications I have brought into his life. Have I had thoughts at one time or another of just saying I cant do this anymore because he deserves better. Sure I have, frequently actually. Is it because I think he can, some of it is. Some of it is because when you are told something over and over and over for most of your life you start to believe it and it takes a long time for you to unbelieve something.

I am an emotional, physical, financial mess and there is a large part of me that thinks no one should have to deal with it. I hate to be the burden of others and right now that is what I feel like....and extremely large burden on everyone around me. Indirectly or not I still feel burdish...

Don't feel sorry for me I land on my feet eventually. I am just at the point right now where I am not even sure when that will be. I just need to do some major self-reflection and figure out which direction I am going in and see if this time maybe just maybe, I won't fuck something else up. After all...Not all hope is lost.

Write, Write, Write, Just Write.......

So in a matter of less than a month, my life has gone partially to absolute crap, to partially going in the direction that I was hoping for.

Yes I have been wanting a divorce from my husband for a while now, but when he called me out of the blue one morning and said he couldn't do it anymore and that he wanted it over and done with and he was moving to Michigan it caught me a little off guard. Now I know what your thinking, if this is what I wanted why am I having such a hard time with it. Well I guess that would be because he doesn't give a damn anymore and to a point I don't either. I guess what it is, is that I do still care for my husband, as a friend, and as a friend I don't wish him any ill will and would like to see him happy. I do care and yes at one time in my life I did love him. To a point I still love him, but only as a friend and no longer as a husband or lover. So I guess what stings for me is that he doesn't care about me or anything having to do with me anymore. He has told me that we should have never gotten married in 2008 and that he has not been happy since 2009. Which tells me that he wanted out of this way before I did, yet he never said anything. He doesn't care what happens to me, any of my things, or how I will survive when I am not allowed to work yet. He lost his job and now he is looking for work but he is depending on my mom to pay our bills. She is helping me out with a roof over my head and a place for me and my child. He told me that he would make sure that I was ok with everything and help me to get to the place I want to be, yet now that he has no job and really isn't giving a damn everything has changed. I have tried to be nice I have tried to be civil, but now I am just getting sick and tired of it all. I am patiently waiting for my tax return to come in so that I can get all this crap paid off and get the hell out of dodge and get on with my life.

May 4th my world forever changed. The little life that I had been harboring in my belly finally decided she was ready to come out, the apparently changed her mind resulting in an emergency c-section. I was over joyed that she was here however part of me was saddened because her daddy couldn't be here to see her born. I also had brought her into a world in the middle of for the lack of a better word, shit storm of drama. Something so innocent should never have to be subjected to any of this. Tipping the scales at a staggering 4lbs 10oz at birth she is probably over 5lbs now but I will know more at her next doctors appointment on Monday. Tomorrow she turns 2 weeks old. I cant believe that 14 days has already almost passed. The day after Mother's Day I had to put her daddy and the love of my life back on a plane to Florida. I thought that I was going to be able to handle it. I mean yea ok, I never did to well when it was just me having to tell him good bye all the times that I left him, but this time it wasn't just me but her that also had to say good bye and yes even though she is small and really doesn't know all that is going on, it was the hardest thing I had to do was watch him turn that corner and disappear to the boarding gate. I cried for the next 3 days and to a point I still cry. I miss him. A LOT!

I know I have said it many times before, that I love this man with all that I am, but I do. He has been my rock when all I have wanted to do is give up. He has stuck by me through a lot of tough shit in my life when even people that live close to me didn't seem to give a damn...well with the exception of my mother. He has been my sounding board when all I need to do is vent. He has never judged me, never expected anything but who and what I am from me. He takes me as I am faults and all. He has never wanted to change me, he has never asked for anything more from me than he would expect me to ask of himself. He has stood by me when it mattered most. He has loved me unconditionally even when I could not love myself. He has gone above and beyond anything I could ever ask for. He isn't rich, he doesn't have all the nicest things in the world, he has been given his share of shit to deal with, he isn't the perfect person, he may not always say the right things, he isn't the super sappy romantic man that you see in the movies, he is who he is and that is the man that I fell in love with and want to spend the rest of my life raising our daughter together. We are going to falter, we are going to fail at somethings, but if we can raise her to the best of our ability while supporting and loving each other and never taking each other for granted, then I think we will achieve great success...