Ever get a feeling something is wrong but you're not sure what. I
have been having that nagging feeling for a couple of weeks now and I am
not sure how to go about bringing it up. I don't know what the issue
is, if there is even one at all. Part of me thinks that it is just my
mind being over productive and making something out of something that
isn't there. How do I bring up the subject though.
"Hey babe something is different.. do you want me to just leave you the hell alone?"
Yeah that would go over great...
My
bills keep piling up and I cry constantly. I am in pain all the time
and I am not sure what is going to happen from one day to the next.
Loving him is what is keeping me going when all I want to do is give up.
Even through distance he has been what has gotten me from one day to
the next.
I am finding it very hard to keep my head
above the water. My bills are getting farther and farther behind. I
really need to find work but the doctors have told me it wasn't a good
idea and that I need to wait til after the baby is born. I might not
have a roof over my head by that time.
I need to find
homes for my animals and deep down I know what I have to do. I look at
each of them and they give me that look of helplessness and I just fall
to pieces.
My health is taking it's toll on me and I find
it hard to get up in the morning to face another day. Partially because
if the bill situation, and basically because of the sleeplessness and
just being so uncomfortable.
I am worried about my baby
because she yet again has stopped developing and the doctors are wanting
me to carry a full month or more over my due date if she does not
continue to grow. They say there is a good chance for birth issues and
that she will have developmental disabilities. All of which I will deal
with as they come. I don't have any strength or any energy, I am losing
weight again, which the doctors didn't want, yet in order to keep my
blood sugars in check I have to weigh and measure and count everything I
eat. It is a very difficult task.
I
am ready to just walk away from it all. The only thing I don't want to
walk away from is him and our daughter, but even that is complicated.
Neither of us has the money for a place of our own, and my doctors and
providers are here part of the reason I stay.
I am worried about him
and everything that he has going on in his life. I wonder every day if
he is ready for what is coming next with the baby and everything. I have
prepared myself to do this on my own and I would not hold a single
thing against him if he told me he couldn't handle it and just wanted to
walk away. Yes this was a surprise to both of us. We were careful, we
took precautions, but due to a little misinformation or actually no
information at all from the doctor about meds I was on rendering birth
control ineffective this is what happened and I am now dealing with it's
consequence. I am ready for a complete change in my life, and if he
doesn't want that responsibility I am not going to force him to.
I wonder every day if I am truly what he wants or if there isn't someone out there that can make him happier. It hurts me to think that but I have literally turned his world upside down and inside out and I can only imagine what the roller-coaster feels like to him.
There
are so many things I wish that I could go back and do over. I would have
never quit my job because I thought that I could go back to school. I
would have never said I do, and took the plunge. I would have never left
Florida and just made a life for myself down there.
I
am trying to balance the balls I have been given in my life's juggling
act.. but I am beginning to think that I am going to fail and not be
able to keep all the balls in the air. I am adding more to it in a very
short time and not sure if I can keep going.
I just
want to curl up by his side and just cry. Not a word to be spoken just
to feel his love and know that he wishes me no harm,
I
love him so much, but part of me wonders how much more he is willing to
deal with before he would just tell me he can't do it anymore. I am so
scared to lose someone who means so much to me.
I try to find things to occupy my mind because when I have nothing but time to think is usually when the blogs like this end up getting written. I keep telling myself that everything will work out the way it is supposed to and this is just a stepping stone in the plan that is my life. I take it one day at a time as hard as that is, and no matter what I will survive, even when I think I can't.
