Failure

Ever feel that you can’t do anything right? No matter where you turn you are forever screwing something up. That is how I have felt for the last few days. I don’t know if it the the sickness on top of PMSing that is just making everything I do seem like it can’t or won’t ever go right.

In the aspect of motherhood, I have  noticed that my daughter has an ouchie on her finger from teething and I feel like i could have prevented it if I maybe offered her more teething toys or one of the tons of toys she already has. I know that she would rather gnaw on herself but somewhere in there
I feel as though I failed because my child got hurt.
My child is sick and I can;t make her better. I know she doesn’t feel good and no matter how much I do to try and alleviate the fact that she doesn’t feel good it doesn’t seem to help.
She isn’t crawling yet, she sits up but barely, she won;t crawl, she stands for only a few seconds at a time. Where as others her age are leaps and bounds ahead of her. What am i doing wrong. Am I not spending enough time working on things with her. Do I need to not blog or be on Facebook and just concentrate all my energy on her. Is that why she is behind when she should be doing more things? I apparently suck at motherhood.

The comes the relationship aspect. I have finally come to accept that out of the three parts of the relationship I won’t have the physical part of mine. I have the emotional and mental but the physical just isn’t there. He says that it is him all the time, but  there just comes a point when you have to realize its not him it is you. I can’t please him, I can’t turn him on, I can’t even satisfy him. As hard as I try I can’t. I suck in the sex department I guess. So everything that any of my ex’s has ever said is true. I will forever not be able to please a man.

So then it comes down to just being friends, I will just be one of his “guys” and give him the support when he needs it, but I will let him go and find someone who can fill the physical need that I seem to be lacking heavily in. I don’t see any other way to fix it. People tell me the key is to try new things, ect ect… Problem is, we never get that far. It never happens. There is no foreplay, there is no experimenting. Most of the time I feel as though I am just an obligation. This is just a way to pacify me. So if I don’t start anything it doesn’t happen. This isn’t how I wanted it to be, but I don’t know what turns him on, I don’t know what he wants. He doesn’t talk about it and it leaves me feeling that it is because he doesn’t want to do any of those things with me. Therefore I am the problem.

Every one is avoiding me. My own family doesn’t seem to care. I thought that I was going to see people this weekend and they seem shocked when I call almost like they forgot about me. Sorry I was to busy going to a concert or spending time with this person or that person. I’m sorry I didn’t know you required attention or human interaction. I didn’t know you were so needy. I  get texts from my friends after months of not speaking to me because I had a child and everyone felt the need to abandon ship. When they text me it is to ask about my animals, or if I have someone’s number that they lost. They don’t ask how I am or how my child is. I guess I didn’t try hard enough to keep my friendships going, I guess I don’t count as a member of the family I have been in for 32 almost 33 years. Ergo, I have failed as a child and as a friend.

Marriage, I have failed at being a spouse. Maybe I bitched to much. Didn’t keep the house clean enough, Didn’t have a good handle on the bills. Didn’t understand him or where he was coming from. Anyways, I suck at marriage to.

Every aspect of my life I have failed and I don’t know what to do to change any of it. Even know as my child sits happily in her exersaucer, talking away and playing with her toys. All I want to do is go find a corner, sink down into it, cry into my nachos, and disappear. unfortunately I don’t have nachos.
Eventually maybe I won’t feel this way, but I don’t know when that will happen.

Acceptance and Change

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

In life you have to realize there are some things that will not change and just accept them. I have come to that conclusion on a few things in the last few days. I like myself most days. I don't think I am a bad person, I am just a person bad things happen to. More frequent that other people it seems.
There are things that I want to change about myself and I need to sit down and truly figure out what it is within myself weather it be physically, mentally or emotionally that I need to change and damn well do it.
I am not happy and haven't been and I need to start being happy again. I am getting short with my child because I can't seem to handle this thing called life.  I seem to be always wanting more and I know that you can't force more out of someone if they don't want you too. I guess it is the hopeless romantic in me that thinks that if I just push a little bit more or try a little harder maybe just maybe something will give. Then I realize that if I push to hard, I will end up pushing away and completely ruining it all.
Every day I look in the mirror and all I see is every little scar, little imperfection, every flaw, everything that is wrong with me.
It is hard for me to let go of the past of others, I don't know why. I know they say that the past is in the past and that is where it should stay, so why can't I make it stay that way. It seems my own past on the the other hand is easily blocked and forgotten like yesterdays garbage. How is it that I can do that to my past but not to others?
For the first time I have felt he betrayed me and lied to me. I was upset. I wouldn't say mad but I would say upset. I was so upset I was just sitting on the floor up against the couch shaking and crying. Am I going to be be betrayed again? If it is over something like this how much worse can it get?
Sometimes it seems that our relationship is to easy and I am just waiting for the implosion that seems to follow me where ever I go.
My health has taken another turn, a turn that I have not yet told him about. Mainly because I am not sure how he will react. I have put my move on hold until I can have some answers, because that will tell me if the move is actually going to happen.
Between my health and everything running through my mind- am I good enough, will it work, can I do this again, am I failing my daughter, am I failing my boyfriend, am I just failing in general,- as to why I probably do not sleep as well as I should.

Jumbled Thoughts

To love another can be the most powerful feeling in the world. It can also at times be the worst feeling in the world. Mostly when you feel as a partner that you are not doing everything in your power to keep them happy. It could be past experiences that are creeping into my thoughts or the fact that even though I have loved people before in my life I have never loved someone as deep as I love him. Yes he isn’t perfect and far be it for me to say that I am. He has never given me any reason to doubt or speculate or question his actions, yet time and time again I do. 

Is it the distance, or some female instinct? Whatever it is, it is loud and proud and in my face. Even as I lay in my bed up until a moment ago after my daughter went to sleep, in my exhausted state I tossed and turned the pain from my fall earlier making sleep but a distant want, my mind wandered and wondered if there isn’t someone better out there for the love of my life. Someone that is more suited to his personality and his needs someone that wont be second guessing themselves every time they turn around. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this man raising our daughter. He has taught me the value of patience when it seems so hard to be. He has taught me not to judge a book by its cover because there is more than meets the eye. That love and beauty are truly in the eye of the beholder all though in this case I think the beholder needs a set of glasses.  

I close my eyes and I can see every curve of his face, every line of his tattoos, every small scare. I can hear his voice as if he is next to me. All I want to do is reach out and touch him, to remind myself he is real and he did for some reason pick me to be his equal and his partner through all this. How do you ask your partner to share their wants and desires and what turns them on with you when they in your mind don’t really want to?  My thought is that by sharing them I will know what he wants and what he likes and I can get better in that area. Something tells me I wont though.  

I wonder if part of my sleeplessness is for the fact that I had a vivid beyond vivid dream the other night in which I watched the love of my life and my daughter both murdered in front of my eyes. I ran to my childs crib to see her sleeping soundly and almost made the phone call to make sure he was ok. I refrained from doing so because I knew that he had to work in the morning and all I could think of is that his thought would be “who in the hell is this stark raving mad lunatic that is calling me in the middle of the night making no sense about something”  Even know being awake I can still see the dream in my subconscious as vivid as it was when I was asleep.  

I don’t want to be without him, and don’t start thinking that I am one of those girls that will kill herself or start self harming herself because *audible gasp* a boy doesn’t want to be with her anymore….Please, I am not that much of a drama queen.  Would I be heartbroken, Yes. Would I be ok after a grieving period, yes. Why is that? Because I love him and will always love him and it would hurt that he wouldn’t want to be with me any longer but as time and time before I healed, I moved on, and I prevailed.  

During a conversation with (for all intents and purposes) my ex he decided to ask me if he should move 4 hours away to be with this woman and her child that he has fallen for and that he needs to take care of. He then proceeded to tell me that he feels more for her than he ever felt for me and to not take offense but she is so much prettier…. Wow you are a true dickhead.  I admit at one time I did love my ex, I wouldn’t have walked down the aisle and bet him half my crap if I didn’t… lucky for me it is half the crap I no longer want and it can be thrown away for all I care. But I never called him names other than jackass, asshole, and a few other choice phrases but that is mainly because of the way I was treated and some of the stupid things he has done, but I have never claimed to his face to have more feelings towards my love than I did my ex or call him ugly and go on  and on about how much hotter my love is than him. Mainly because I do not believe in attacking someone on a looks based level. All that does is hurt a person and can really mess them up mentally. I have been mentally abused enough over the years that I have a first hand experience in how much it can affect someone (hence why I think I have some of my doubts with my love) 

Yes part of me believes that my love is out of my league I mean come on the man is HAWT! But at the same time we are equals, even though 95% of the time he is the eternal 5 year old trapped in an almost 32 year old mans body…isn’t the saying that women mature faster than men…case closed. At least 5% of the time he can be the adult he needs to be when the occasion calls for it. 

I am not sure if this post is making any sense or if it is just me getting things out of my head in the hopes that it might clear up some jumbled thoughts and get rid of some of the doubts that seem to be boring a hole into my brain with a red hot poker.

Feeling Lost

I have finally put a feeling to this sense of being lost. It feels as though I am having an out of body experience. I am going through the motions that I have to every day of caring for my child. I make sure she is bathed, fed, changed, happy, and cared for.She sleeps and I cry. I clean, organize, realize I have nothing more to clean and organize so I do it all over again. I toss and turn because sleep is downright impossible. I try to read, I try to do things to keep my mind and hands occupied then my mind wont over think, it wont sit there and realize how miserable it really is.
Yes my family is here but no one really cares. All my friends or should I say so called friends deserted me the min Ashlynne was born.
I am losing my hair, I have no appetite. I force myself to eat and just end up picking at my food and most of the time just putting it back in the fridge to try again the next meal time.
My job search is not going well and I am sitting with $.55 in my bank account. On the positive side at least it is a positive balance.
I hate the fact that my family has to be so far apart, but even when we are together not everything seems to be in sync. Like we are a little off kilter and I am not sure exactly where that feeling is coming from. Maybe I am just to damn needy.
I have a guy that is way to good to me and sometimes I don't think that I even deserve it. All though every fiber of my being wants to give him the sun, the moon, and the stars. I never want him to hurt again. I never want him to be disappointed (which I think I am doing more so than not) I just want him to be forever happy.
Well now that all the thoughts that I had in my head have become a jumbled mess once again I will try and sort them out and make sense of them in another blog sometime.

Love Gone In An Instant

It was a dream I know it was. All I know is that her name was Jessica.  It was like any other day. He was working and he would call me in between properties. 

The night before was like any other night he got home from work, he called me before I went to bed. He said he loved me and we ended our conversation. So then why should the next day be so different? He called me in the morning and was the usual conversation asking me how I slept, asking me what my plan for the day was. I told him and then all of a sudden I heard him talking to someone (not unusual he does that frequently with me on the phone) what was different this time is I heard him talking to someone about a ring. My heart started to jump I was so excited that he was getting me a ring because we have not talked about getting me another ring. Then he told me to hold on because he had another call (again not unusual) He came back on the phone and told me he was sorry but he was needing to know what Jessica’s ring size was so that he could buy her engagement ring. WHAT!? He was buying this girl an engagement ring. I asked him what that was all about and he told me that he had moved on, I had my chance and he was done. He hadn’t said anything earlier because he wasn’t sure how to go about it, but now since I knew his plan he didn’t have to act anymore. He was so over our relationship for a while now and he had moved on over the last few months. He was really happy with Jessica and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.  I had my chance and he was tired of waiting. I asked him how he could propose after only a couple months when him and I had almost 2 years. He just said he was, no concrete reason why. He quit loving me like overnight. His voice was mean and ruthless; his voice went from a loving friend to pure hatred. He was rude, careless; he said so many hurtful things. Things he had never, ever said to me before.  I knew it was a dream and I knew I was crying my chest was hurting so bad. I was screaming at myself to wake up and it wasn’t working. I then heard him stop the truck and meet up with this girl Jessica and then I heard what was the final undoing, I heard him propose to her.  I heard him tell her she was the love of his life and that no one has ever made him happier, that he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with her and I could just hear the happiness in his voice and the love that I thought he had for me. Then the line went dead. I called back and she answered his phone (no one answers his phone except him) She told me she deleted all my text messages and that I was never to call him again, that she had gone on to his facebook and deleted all the pictures I taken him in, and then deleted me off his friends list. She said after she was done talking to me she would be deleting me out of his phone. I asked to speak to him one last time and she allowed me to do that. When I asked him why she was allowed to do all this, he told me point blank that she was the love of his life and I had put him through so much that all he wanted was me gone and out of his life. He then handed the phone back to her and said one last thing I overheard and that was “please just hang up that chapter of my life is over, time to start the one I want to be in” the phone then went dead for the last time and my body finally let me wake back up.

Today I Cried....

Today I cried…..

I cried a lot today, even know as I am typing this I have to wipe tears away from my eyes. I have taken the opportunity to write now that my daughter is changed, fed, and happily playing 10 feet from me on her playmat. A culmination of things has finally just all gotten to me and I have finally broken. 

I feel I am being very selfish right now, but I am trying as hard as I can to push those feelings aside. Everyone has different priorities in their lives that I can’t expect anyone to make me one of them.

 I feel right now very much cast aside. I don’t feel as though I am a priority in anyone’s life except for my daughter mainly because she depends on me day in and day out to clean, feed, change, and play with her.  Even though I do that every day, day in and day out, I still to some point feel as though I am neglecting her.

 When it comes to the love of my life, I feel that he and I have run out of things to talk about.  I get to feeling that I am boring and not fun. I miss going out with friends or having people over and sitting around playing games and enjoying each other’s company. A part of me feels as though I am holding him back.

 More often than not after little one goes down for the evening I am sitting by myself and realize how very alone I feel. I feel very alienated. I do things to keep myself occupied and try to squelch the feeling of loneliness, but that only lasts for so long and then it is back to square one. I don’t have money to go and do things, and the little money that I do have I put forth in making sure my daughter is taken care of first. I used to be an avid reader and have my face shoved in a book at all times, but even that cannot keep my concentration anymore.

Have you heard the phrase “the one that got away” Part of me thinks that there is one that got away from my love and I am standing in the way of him finding her again and giving what they had a second shot. I fear I have just complicated things in the aspect. Sometimes I feel that all others are to be happy and I am not. Am I happy with my life? In a manner of speaking yes, in other ways I am completely miserable. I love my boyfriend, I love our daughter, but the distance is killing me. Yes every time I get a text or a phone call from him my day brightens a little bit, but being so far away from him and not being able to kiss him whenever I want, or hug him whenever I want or to see the smile that our daughter and I can bring to his face makes me just want to cry.

Part of me feels as though I am losing touch with people and in a way I am losing touch with myself. I see my therapist regularly and he says that everything that I am feeling is normal. So then why do I feel like it is karma sitting over me with a magnifying glass in the sun like a little ant. That finally everything I have ever done wrong, every mistake, every bad choice is now coming back to proverbially bite me in the ass. There are many many times I have looked at the booze in the fridge and just pictured pouring my sorrows into the bottom of a bottle and just saying forget everything for the time being, but I have watched someone else do that and I have a little one to take care of and I would never do anything to jeopardize any of it. So I shut the fridge door grab a handful of animal crackers and a glass of juice and play a computer game or something else to occupy my time.

For one of the first times in my life my organized life is just that no longer organized and it is causing me some anxiety.  I have a box of paperwork that needs to be organized, I need to go through the boxes of things that I have from my house, and I need to go through my little ones clothes. None of which is getting accomplished, and it is not that I am procrastinating about it; it is the fact that I just start it and then I get sidetracked or completely forget that I had started it in the first place.

One of these days I might have the answers for the way that I feel but until then I guess I will continue to shuffle through and make the most of it.

24 Hours of Silence

So in less than 12 hours I will be starting 24 hours of silence between me and the love of my life. We have decided to start it tonight because he will be sleeping tonight  due to having to work all day tomorrow, and I will be sitting down and hashing things out regarding the divorce with my soon to be ex. So we figured that it was as good a time as any to do this exercise my therapist wants me to do. We will be able to talk Saturday night and then we will be able to tell each other about our days and get any frustrations out. It is going to be very hard for me to go 24 hours without talking to him or texting him and I am sure that I will have a few pictures of little one to send to him by the time we can break the 24 hour vow of silence.  One of the reasons my therapist wants me to do this with a few of the important people in my life is because he wants to see how dependant I am on everyone else. I feel that I am a very independent person, but he says it isn’t in the physical aspect of dependency. He says it is a mental and emotional dependency, and for that he wants to know if my level of dependency in that aspect is healthy. He believes it is, but he says this will consciously prove other things. Then he started talking all psychological like and well sometimes I have a tendency to zone out and hear nothing but what sounds like the teacher in the Snoopy cartoons.

I was also told by my therapist to write letters to a few people that I love and tell them how I feel about them, where I think I am excelling in the relationship, and where I am failing in the relationship, and then to get feedback from them on what I have written. He is telling me that by doing these two exercises it is going to strengthen my relationships and make me more aware of things around me. We shall see.

After a long night of ups and downs with the little one I am doing nothing but dragging tail today and there is a crap load of things that I want to do, or should say I need to do. I need to schedule another therapy session and I need to make doctor’s appointments. I need to make some payment arrangements for bills and I need to get more done on the divorce decree.  When all I really want to do today is to crawl into bed and sleep. I would be so much better if my love was here because then I would have someone I could snuggle up to.  If it wasn’t for the heat I would put little one in her stroller and I would take a nice long walk and start to get going on the weight loss and trying to get myself healthier, but with temps in the high 90’s and heat index with almost 100 percent humidity in the low 100’s to 110’s I have opted to stay indoors. So little one and I have been playing some music and dancing and rocking out.

I guess the way that I need to look at my therapy sessions is a voyage of self discovery and self preservation. To look deep into my past and confront the demons that I have long ago suppressed and hoped never to see again, and by confronting the things in my past I can get through it and move on and be for the better. I am just concerned that the things in my past are going to open a whole new can of worms and influence and possibly ruin the relationships I have now. I am all for this if it is going to help me and get rid of the bad dreams, and everything else from my past that seems to not let go, but I don’t want to have my current relationships suffer for it.