Jumbled Thoughts

To love another can be the most powerful feeling in the world. It can also at times be the worst feeling in the world. Mostly when you feel as a partner that you are not doing everything in your power to keep them happy. It could be past experiences that are creeping into my thoughts or the fact that even though I have loved people before in my life I have never loved someone as deep as I love him. Yes he isn’t perfect and far be it for me to say that I am. He has never given me any reason to doubt or speculate or question his actions, yet time and time again I do. 

Is it the distance, or some female instinct? Whatever it is, it is loud and proud and in my face. Even as I lay in my bed up until a moment ago after my daughter went to sleep, in my exhausted state I tossed and turned the pain from my fall earlier making sleep but a distant want, my mind wandered and wondered if there isn’t someone better out there for the love of my life. Someone that is more suited to his personality and his needs someone that wont be second guessing themselves every time they turn around. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this man raising our daughter. He has taught me the value of patience when it seems so hard to be. He has taught me not to judge a book by its cover because there is more than meets the eye. That love and beauty are truly in the eye of the beholder all though in this case I think the beholder needs a set of glasses.  

I close my eyes and I can see every curve of his face, every line of his tattoos, every small scare. I can hear his voice as if he is next to me. All I want to do is reach out and touch him, to remind myself he is real and he did for some reason pick me to be his equal and his partner through all this. How do you ask your partner to share their wants and desires and what turns them on with you when they in your mind don’t really want to?  My thought is that by sharing them I will know what he wants and what he likes and I can get better in that area. Something tells me I wont though.  

I wonder if part of my sleeplessness is for the fact that I had a vivid beyond vivid dream the other night in which I watched the love of my life and my daughter both murdered in front of my eyes. I ran to my childs crib to see her sleeping soundly and almost made the phone call to make sure he was ok. I refrained from doing so because I knew that he had to work in the morning and all I could think of is that his thought would be “who in the hell is this stark raving mad lunatic that is calling me in the middle of the night making no sense about something”  Even know being awake I can still see the dream in my subconscious as vivid as it was when I was asleep.  

I don’t want to be without him, and don’t start thinking that I am one of those girls that will kill herself or start self harming herself because *audible gasp* a boy doesn’t want to be with her anymore….Please, I am not that much of a drama queen.  Would I be heartbroken, Yes. Would I be ok after a grieving period, yes. Why is that? Because I love him and will always love him and it would hurt that he wouldn’t want to be with me any longer but as time and time before I healed, I moved on, and I prevailed.  

During a conversation with (for all intents and purposes) my ex he decided to ask me if he should move 4 hours away to be with this woman and her child that he has fallen for and that he needs to take care of. He then proceeded to tell me that he feels more for her than he ever felt for me and to not take offense but she is so much prettier…. Wow you are a true dickhead.  I admit at one time I did love my ex, I wouldn’t have walked down the aisle and bet him half my crap if I didn’t… lucky for me it is half the crap I no longer want and it can be thrown away for all I care. But I never called him names other than jackass, asshole, and a few other choice phrases but that is mainly because of the way I was treated and some of the stupid things he has done, but I have never claimed to his face to have more feelings towards my love than I did my ex or call him ugly and go on  and on about how much hotter my love is than him. Mainly because I do not believe in attacking someone on a looks based level. All that does is hurt a person and can really mess them up mentally. I have been mentally abused enough over the years that I have a first hand experience in how much it can affect someone (hence why I think I have some of my doubts with my love) 

Yes part of me believes that my love is out of my league I mean come on the man is HAWT! But at the same time we are equals, even though 95% of the time he is the eternal 5 year old trapped in an almost 32 year old mans body…isn’t the saying that women mature faster than men…case closed. At least 5% of the time he can be the adult he needs to be when the occasion calls for it. 

I am not sure if this post is making any sense or if it is just me getting things out of my head in the hopes that it might clear up some jumbled thoughts and get rid of some of the doubts that seem to be boring a hole into my brain with a red hot poker.