Today I Cried....

Today I cried…..

I cried a lot today, even know as I am typing this I have to wipe tears away from my eyes. I have taken the opportunity to write now that my daughter is changed, fed, and happily playing 10 feet from me on her playmat. A culmination of things has finally just all gotten to me and I have finally broken. 

I feel I am being very selfish right now, but I am trying as hard as I can to push those feelings aside. Everyone has different priorities in their lives that I can’t expect anyone to make me one of them.

 I feel right now very much cast aside. I don’t feel as though I am a priority in anyone’s life except for my daughter mainly because she depends on me day in and day out to clean, feed, change, and play with her.  Even though I do that every day, day in and day out, I still to some point feel as though I am neglecting her.

 When it comes to the love of my life, I feel that he and I have run out of things to talk about.  I get to feeling that I am boring and not fun. I miss going out with friends or having people over and sitting around playing games and enjoying each other’s company. A part of me feels as though I am holding him back.

 More often than not after little one goes down for the evening I am sitting by myself and realize how very alone I feel. I feel very alienated. I do things to keep myself occupied and try to squelch the feeling of loneliness, but that only lasts for so long and then it is back to square one. I don’t have money to go and do things, and the little money that I do have I put forth in making sure my daughter is taken care of first. I used to be an avid reader and have my face shoved in a book at all times, but even that cannot keep my concentration anymore.

Have you heard the phrase “the one that got away” Part of me thinks that there is one that got away from my love and I am standing in the way of him finding her again and giving what they had a second shot. I fear I have just complicated things in the aspect. Sometimes I feel that all others are to be happy and I am not. Am I happy with my life? In a manner of speaking yes, in other ways I am completely miserable. I love my boyfriend, I love our daughter, but the distance is killing me. Yes every time I get a text or a phone call from him my day brightens a little bit, but being so far away from him and not being able to kiss him whenever I want, or hug him whenever I want or to see the smile that our daughter and I can bring to his face makes me just want to cry.

Part of me feels as though I am losing touch with people and in a way I am losing touch with myself. I see my therapist regularly and he says that everything that I am feeling is normal. So then why do I feel like it is karma sitting over me with a magnifying glass in the sun like a little ant. That finally everything I have ever done wrong, every mistake, every bad choice is now coming back to proverbially bite me in the ass. There are many many times I have looked at the booze in the fridge and just pictured pouring my sorrows into the bottom of a bottle and just saying forget everything for the time being, but I have watched someone else do that and I have a little one to take care of and I would never do anything to jeopardize any of it. So I shut the fridge door grab a handful of animal crackers and a glass of juice and play a computer game or something else to occupy my time.

For one of the first times in my life my organized life is just that no longer organized and it is causing me some anxiety.  I have a box of paperwork that needs to be organized, I need to go through the boxes of things that I have from my house, and I need to go through my little ones clothes. None of which is getting accomplished, and it is not that I am procrastinating about it; it is the fact that I just start it and then I get sidetracked or completely forget that I had started it in the first place.

One of these days I might have the answers for the way that I feel but until then I guess I will continue to shuffle through and make the most of it.