Failure

Ever feel that you can’t do anything right? No matter where you turn you are forever screwing something up. That is how I have felt for the last few days. I don’t know if it the the sickness on top of PMSing that is just making everything I do seem like it can’t or won’t ever go right.

In the aspect of motherhood, I have  noticed that my daughter has an ouchie on her finger from teething and I feel like i could have prevented it if I maybe offered her more teething toys or one of the tons of toys she already has. I know that she would rather gnaw on herself but somewhere in there
I feel as though I failed because my child got hurt.
My child is sick and I can;t make her better. I know she doesn’t feel good and no matter how much I do to try and alleviate the fact that she doesn’t feel good it doesn’t seem to help.
She isn’t crawling yet, she sits up but barely, she won;t crawl, she stands for only a few seconds at a time. Where as others her age are leaps and bounds ahead of her. What am i doing wrong. Am I not spending enough time working on things with her. Do I need to not blog or be on Facebook and just concentrate all my energy on her. Is that why she is behind when she should be doing more things? I apparently suck at motherhood.

The comes the relationship aspect. I have finally come to accept that out of the three parts of the relationship I won’t have the physical part of mine. I have the emotional and mental but the physical just isn’t there. He says that it is him all the time, but  there just comes a point when you have to realize its not him it is you. I can’t please him, I can’t turn him on, I can’t even satisfy him. As hard as I try I can’t. I suck in the sex department I guess. So everything that any of my ex’s has ever said is true. I will forever not be able to please a man.

So then it comes down to just being friends, I will just be one of his “guys” and give him the support when he needs it, but I will let him go and find someone who can fill the physical need that I seem to be lacking heavily in. I don’t see any other way to fix it. People tell me the key is to try new things, ect ect… Problem is, we never get that far. It never happens. There is no foreplay, there is no experimenting. Most of the time I feel as though I am just an obligation. This is just a way to pacify me. So if I don’t start anything it doesn’t happen. This isn’t how I wanted it to be, but I don’t know what turns him on, I don’t know what he wants. He doesn’t talk about it and it leaves me feeling that it is because he doesn’t want to do any of those things with me. Therefore I am the problem.

Every one is avoiding me. My own family doesn’t seem to care. I thought that I was going to see people this weekend and they seem shocked when I call almost like they forgot about me. Sorry I was to busy going to a concert or spending time with this person or that person. I’m sorry I didn’t know you required attention or human interaction. I didn’t know you were so needy. I  get texts from my friends after months of not speaking to me because I had a child and everyone felt the need to abandon ship. When they text me it is to ask about my animals, or if I have someone’s number that they lost. They don’t ask how I am or how my child is. I guess I didn’t try hard enough to keep my friendships going, I guess I don’t count as a member of the family I have been in for 32 almost 33 years. Ergo, I have failed as a child and as a friend.

Marriage, I have failed at being a spouse. Maybe I bitched to much. Didn’t keep the house clean enough, Didn’t have a good handle on the bills. Didn’t understand him or where he was coming from. Anyways, I suck at marriage to.

Every aspect of my life I have failed and I don’t know what to do to change any of it. Even know as my child sits happily in her exersaucer, talking away and playing with her toys. All I want to do is go find a corner, sink down into it, cry into my nachos, and disappear. unfortunately I don’t have nachos.
Eventually maybe I won’t feel this way, but I don’t know when that will happen.