Re-Written

Ok so I went on a blog tangent this morning about wanting to be selfish for one of the first times in my life when it came to my guy. I am still getting to know who my guy is. Wait what? Ok let me see if this works.

When I came down to visit him in June he took the time off of work and all his energy and time was concentrated on me and I got used to that. Now that I have come down to visit again and this time also look for gainful employment and a place to live he is working and on his normal routine and I am not the concentrated energy, now that leaves me feeling neglected.

Neglected.... how very selfish of me. The man has to make a living I need to understand that and I need to understand that just because he doesn't want to be touchy-feely cuddle love time in the morning after a night of working a 12 hours shift, outside, maybe the dude just wants a hot shower, sometime to himself and sleep....

but what about when he has his days off, I feel pushed aside on those too. I am not sure how I feel about this and I am coming up empty when the topic of expressing myself to him comes up. I have never been one that has had an issue telling people how she feels. I tried to explain it to him this morning but he feel asleep on me. So alas that conversation went by the wayside.

He does show his affection in his own little way I guess, but I guess I wish he would just show it a little more. I feel as though if I don't inititate it won't happen. I don't mind taking control but I would like to be man handled a little myself you know. Part of me thinks "oh god he isn't attracted to me enough to push me down, rip my clothes off, and make me go freaking primal." then again maybe that just isn't him. Like I said still learning here.

I guess why I am feeling the way I am feeling is because for the first time in my life I am utterly and totally flabergasted by someone and it is making all the neurons in my brain go stupified. I don't know what he is thinking, I don't know what goes on in his head. Sometimes I wish just wish he would stop and go "Damn...she picked me" Maybe he does, I guess the only person that can answer that is him.

Talking with the bestie helped a little as she understands my point of view and where I am coming from. She has a great guy and I am so extremely happy for her. I see it in her face and once I find my proper footing in the relationship hope that my face will show that happiness.

I know men are complicated creatures as much as they say we are too, but sometimes I just want to shake him and tell him to snap the frack out of it. 

Never Good Enough

In the last 3 days I have maybe had a total of 7 hours of sleep. I don't have any strength. I don't have any energy. I have been throwing up, my ulcer is killing me, and it is times like this I ask myself if I will ever be good enough for anyone.

The lack of sleep has caused me to become some what inquizitive on if I am good enough. I think about it and I am struggling for money, my car is iffy about running, I have MAJOR health concerns. Why would anyone want to be with the mess that is me.

I know he is stressed and there is nothing that I can do to seem to un-stress him. I cry he doesn't know it mainly because I don't do it while he is around and if I do I try to hid it. I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I fear I will never be able to make him completely happy.

Why am I so unsure of myself now. I have never been this way, but he is different. He is a lot different. He means more to me than anyone ever has. Which is why I hate feeling as if I am failing him on some level. I guess I just don't know what to do. Maybe a run on the treadmill or some time to just think. However, whenever I get to thinking I get to over analyzing and over thinking. I guess it is one moment at a time.

I just wish he would talk to me. I am his partner in this all. His silence is what makes me think I am the problem.