Dreams go away

It seems only fitting that tonight I would have the bad dreams again. Like the song Rain Rain Go Away, neither the rain nor the dreams have ceased.

The dream was worse than ones I have had before. I lost her, and then I lost him. My heart broke into a million pieces. I would grab for him yet he was just beyond my reach. He told me I had let him down and there was no way he could love someone that wouldn't be able to give him what he wanted. I stood there and just cried. I wasn't sure how much of the tears were mine or how much of it was the downpour of rain that seemed to start the second he said he didn't love me and that he never had.

How could someone who said that I was their world just walk away. I know it is a dream and it shouldn't mean a thing but then if it doesn't mean a thing why does it bother me much, but I guess a better question to ask would be why do I let it bother me so much? I guess because I have never felt this way about anyone and that includes the man I married, and the two other serious relationships that I was in. None of them compare to the emotion that I have invested in this man.

I saw a post on Facebook the other day that was talking about love. It said something along the lines of " Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to" I have set my heart in his hands and pray every day that he does not shatter it.

I know that he has a past and I know that walls have been put up after you have been hurt. I know because I have put these walls up to.

He said something in his sleep and when I heard it, I was caught off guard but then when I realized what he said I started to cry. It wasn't my name that he had said, but someone else and that he missed her. It cut deep into my heart like a knife. I know it was sleep induced and that I need not delve to deep into it. For the first time ever, I couldn't look him in the eye. I knew if I did the tears would just start over again.

He made it better by holding me in his arms and telling me that our daughter and I are the only ones that matter to him.

One of these days hopefully, the dream will stop. Hopefully.

Epiphany

An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, "manifestation, striking appearance") is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Generally the term is used to describe breakthrough scientific, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it can apply in any situation in which an enlightening realization allows a problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective

So as I was in the shower this morning I had one of the above said Epiphany's.

 Everything that I have been questioning lately finally became so clear. I am for once in my life in a relationship that yes even though in a relationship you need to put forth an effort for the other person I am not bending over backwards killing myself to make someone happy. I am just being me, accepting of everything that is him and everything that is us together.

There is comfort and adoration for each other. Mutual respect and love. Only wanting the best for each other. Support, encouragement, strength, trust, I could go on but by now I am sure you see where I am going with that.

If we are in bed together and he is napping or sleeping before he has to work and I am playing on the computer or watching television every so often I will glance at him and to see him sleeping peacefully like the weight of the world is not laying on his shoulders and that everything is right with his life is very comforting. The other morning he was sleeping and he woke up, in trying to get himself back to sleep he rested a hand on my belly, I felt our daughter move to the heat of his hand and the feeling just made my heart melt. That for something so tiny and him could have that kind of bond already tells me that once she is born they will be inseperable.

My little family. Him, I, and our daughter. Nothing more, nothing less, just the tree of us. Nothing else matters. I love my family.