Screaming, pounding against the wall, crying. Giving up seemed like the only way to go.
I knew it was a dream, but for whatever reason I could not make myself wake. I felt the wetness of the pillow beneath my head but yet my eyes refused to open. I was stuck there in that corner with nowhere to run. Everyone had disappeared, not a single soul was there to hear my screams.
The shadow appeared and told me it was time and everything was going to end. I heard the shot and everything went black, then there was peace. It was then and only then my body let me wake. The room was dark, there was no sound. My breathing was labored and unsteady.
It was still early. I decided to lay back down. This time I was in the hospital, my daughter in my arms. He was standing there looking at her and me, no emotion was showing on his face. The words he said to me stung like a slap in the face. "I can't do this" With that he turned and left. Everyone around me was rejoycing. She was being passed around from person to person everyone fawning over how adorable she was. All I could do was stare at the place that he once stood. Shocked, saddened, and just wanting to cry. That was it? It was that easy to turn away and throw away a year or more of what I thought had been something that happened once in a lifetime? Did he ever really care? He had to, he told me he loved me every day, went out of his way to let me know what he was doing, took time off work to spend with me, talked about our future (somewhat), claimed me as his girl, texted me every morning, called me multiple times a day. And he just washed his hands of it all?
I woke with a start.... these dreams have really got to stop. I am not sure emotionally how much more I can take. Money is better (not great but better), pregnancy is showing no issues other than she is still small and they are wanting me to go as long as I can even if that means carrying a month or more past when I am due. If I go into labor fine, if I don't they will either let it go natural or if she shows signs of being big enough and far enough in development then they will take her via c-section.
My move to Florida is on hold until I can get the money together to get there. I unfortunately can't do it on my own and will be relying on the jackass to move with me. I don't know if it the fact that I am on bed rest and it is making me stir crazy but I have been trying to occupy my mind and not let things bother me, not read to far into things, and to not make something big out of something that is not even there.
I cry because I have to be so far away from him and it is nothing that either of us can wave a wand and remidy. I guess I am just wanting to much all at once. I want him, I want our daughter, I want our home, I want my life with him. I hate being so far away from him and relying on technology to keep us together. I left my heart in Florida and so desperetly want to be where my heart lies. As the movie says...."Home is where the heart is"
I want his arms around me, I want his kiss, I want to hear his heart beat and feel the warmth of his touch. I want him next to me, I want to wake up to him every morning, and as stupid as this may sound but I want to even do the most mundane things with him, grocery shopping, laundry, sitting at the house while he plays his game and I play mine. I just want my life, my love, my strength, my light, my angel in disguise.
Will he ever know how much I truly love him, will he ever know that I would give my life to save him. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. Yet a large part of me is scared out of my mind, why all the fears. By now I shouldn't have any......so then why is there still the lingering tug of uncertainty?
Maybe playing some Warcraft or Torchlight 2 will take my mind off things... well at least for a while.
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