First Steps To Self Discovery....or Self Destruction

I have been attempting to write this blog post for almost a week now but I can’t seem to get all the thoughts to make sense and end up deleting it because I don’t like the way that it sounds. I have come to the conclusion that I do have a little bit of depression going on. The man I love is 1200 miles away from me and there is nothing I can immediately do to remedy that. My daughter is still recovering from getting her two month shots and the reaction that followed that. She also had the tongue tie she had from birth fixed and I am sure that counted for some of the pain and fussiness. Things are starting to get difficult with my soon to be ex and him and I just end up fighting every time we talk to each other. My love keeps telling me not to talk to him unless I have to and usually that is what I do. I call him or text him for something that I need to talk to him about having to do with the divorce or things at the house and yet we still end up fighting. I don’t wish any ill will on my ex and all I want is for him to be happy in whatever endeavor he chooses. I don’t possess the bone in my body that allows me to hate someone. I can very much dislike someone. I don’t hate my biological father, I dislike him very much but I cannot hate him. I hope that he is happy in Texas and that he has found someone that makes him happy and that he is loving the life he has made for himself.  My love has talked about moving up here to be with me and our daughter while I am dealing with all this crap. Part of me wishes he would so that he and I can be together but then another part of me wishes for him to stay put in Florida where he is already established and has a job. All I want for him to do is follow his heart and be happy where ever that may take him.  

Today I take another step. It has been suggested because of the bad dreams that I have and the nightmares from things in my past that I seek professional help, because talking to friends and family about it just doesn’t seem to be helping.  Today was my first session with a therapist. I don’t like to discuss things with a complete stranger. Especially very personal things.  The person I talked to today wants me to do a set of exercises and some treatments to see if I have something called Conversion Disorder. The doctor said the reason he thinks that I might have it is because of my history of anxiety and stress and today when I came in he could tell I was anxious and when things started to turn to stressful situations in my life my ticks and fits that I have (almost like small seizures or tremors) seemed to increase and it was only when I seemed to be stressed or anxious even if the situation itself wasn’t.  We also figured out that the tremors and fits started after I was diagnosed with something called Meiners Disease that is something that will deteriorate over time and affect my hearing. In a very short time I have had a lot of things cumulate and come to a head. Including things from my past, the imminent divorce with my husband, kind of being a single mom (not by choice and it is terrible for the both of us. Her father is an active part of her life as much as he can be right now. A situation hopefully to be shortly remedied.) My health issues, my financial stress, and a couple other things. With all of that hitting the proverbial fan all at the same time it has become too much on me and they are thinking my body is trying to deal with it in the only way it can by giving me fits of muscle spasms and tremors, essentially converting my anxiety into a physical issue.

As if my health issues were not enough of a pain in the butt, my family is now gone off the deep end. Starting all kinds of drama amongst everyone. I try my best to ignore it because frankly I don’t have the energy for it, I am above acting like a juvenile, I have someone else I need to focus my energy on called my child, and a whole slew of other things that I don’t have time to play the childish games just because everyone has stopped catering to them and stopped focusing all their time, energy, and money on them. Time to grow up fellas.

For the first time in my therapy session today I had to do something that I am not usually comfortable with and usually only share with my writings that are not posted in my blog. I had to talk about my relationship with the love of my life. I had to discuss my fears, my hopes, my expectations.  He asked me if I saw the relationship going long term. He asked about marriage in the future. He asked if I thought that my love would be able to handle the relationship when things got tough and he meant tougher than they are now. He asked me things that I actually wasn’t able to answer. Mainly because he said my thoughts of how things are going and if we are able to get through some of the things he asked, could be the complete opposite of how my love feels, and he didn’t want to see a one sided relationship. So I have been given the task of doing some paper exercises and writing exercises. Part of me feels like it is in school again. At least I don’t have to break out the dolls and explain it with puppets. That would just be weird.

They also want me to start something called Psychodynamic  Psychotherapy, hoping to get to the unconscious content in my brain that I guess stems back to childhood and to see if that relieves any of the tension and issues I am having.

I also told him that I feel that I am failing as a mom because I do become so easily frustrated with her and have to walk away a lot of times. I know babies cry but mine seem to cry a lot more than most. Yes she has had a case of the colic but they said that was over, yet she stuff fusses none stop.  I don’t know what I am doing wrong.  I don’t want to have the feeling towards my child that they have done nothing but complicate my life but at the same time I love her unconditionally and would do anything for her. One should never feel that way against their own flesh and blood, so then why am I having those feelings. Right now she is in her crib screaming at the top of her lungs and I don’t know why. She is clean, she is dry, and she is full. I don’t know what else to do. Is she over tired, am I not spending enough time with her when I am with her constantly. Or is there something more wrong. I have taken her to the doctors and they say she is in great health and doing fantastic….so then what is the problem?!  

I also feel that I am failing as a girlfriend and I am unable to do what I need to on that front.  Sometimes I feel I am failing emotionally and mentally, and all the time I feel I am failing physically. He is so stressed out and frustrated and there is nothing I can do to alleviate that, if anything I am just complicating the problem tenfold. I feel as though him and I have lost some of the connection that we used to have in the beginning and I don’t know what to do to get that back. Maybe I am not the one to give him that connection. As much as I hate to feel that way, sometimes I just don’t feel adequate in that aspect and wonder if I am doing more harm than good.  I mean I love this man a lot and would do anything for him, and want nothing more than to make him happy and satisfied. The therapist that I am seeing wants me to not talk to the love of my life for one night and then tell him how that made me and the love of my life feel. I can like statuses and share links on facebook but he doesn’t want me to make phone contact, text message, or message on any messaging program. I told him that I was already going to hate it, but if it something he wants done for the therapy then I guess I will do it.