Changes

After I got little one down for a nap today. I decided to lay down to. It didn't last all that long since my dreams started again.

I know that they are only dreams and I don't know why I have been having them. Things between him and I are just fine other than for the part of us being 1200 miles apart, yet in my dream I had to watch him laugh and hug and kiss some other girl, as I stood there and held our daughter. This other girl wasn't a family member, she was someone I didn't know. My heart broke as I had to watch this. I tried to wake myself but for some reason I couldn't so in the dream I did what I thought I had to do, I tried to walk away, but all that did was turn me in circles and lead me right back to where they stood and it would be a cycle all over again.

After waking up I went and took a long shower because I was trying to clear all the hurt out of my head even though I knew it was a dream. After getting out of the shower I stood in front of the mirror and all I saw where things that I needed to change about myself. I needed to lose more weight, I needed to tone parts of my body that need to be toned. I saw all my flaws and all my scars. Everything that I don't like about myself was loud and in my face. I don't know how someone can look at this and want this. I know that it is probably all in my head and just things that I see wrong with myself, but I still wonder, why he chose me.

Now that my body has changed with having the baby I think  the way that I see myself is even worse. I know that I should not have this poor self image of myself and I am truly trying to change it, for the most part when I meet someone I have this, I don't care if you like me or  not attitude, but when it comes to being in a relationship with someone I always see the worse in myself and I am not sure why I do that. Is it because that is the way things have been in my past and I have always been told that there is no way that anyone can love me for the way I look and that I better be glad I can make someone laugh and I have a sarcastic personality. Yes I have been told that most of my life and by the men in my life that should mean the most to me. My biological father being the biggest and then both of my most serious relationships (not including the one I am in right now)

Is any of this making sense or have I just rambled myself right into oblivion....yea most likely. I guess what I am wanting most in my life is for someone to look at me and go "dammit man, what is she doing with me and why am I so lucky" and I believe I have finally found him. Now if he will just want to stay for years. I'm in this for the long haul if he is willing to be in it for the long haul too....