Yes, this is going to be one of those blogs. If you don't wish to hear me bitch then turn around and walk right back out the door you came in.
This is my way of getting my thoughts out, a way to express myself. I am not asking anyone to read what I write or for that matter give a damn about anything I write.
For the first time in my life I feel like and utter and complete failure. I am not pulling the oh whoa is me card. I am just simply stating what I feel and I feel like a failure. Plain and simple.
I feel so displaced that I honestly feel the only place I feel like I could call a home right about now is the inside of my car. My home is not my home anymore or at least I don't feel welcomed there anymore. My mom's house isn't mine and the living situation there is less than stellar. I have no friends up here that I could go and stay with, and for the time being I do not have a place I can call home in the place that I really want to call home.
My financial situation is in ruins and I am not sure what to do next. I think one of the dumbest moves I ever made was to get married. As much as I would love to one day marry the man that I love more than anything I am scared shitless that it would ruin everything.
I am so stressed out that I am not sure if my comments are snarky and sarcastic or if I am being down right a major bitch. You know something is really wrong when you don't want to be on the phone with the person that you love because the min you hear their voice and the realization that they are as far away as they are hits, all you want to do is break down and cry. So instead you hang up the phone, get on the Internet, pour everything out in your blog and ball your eyes out like a baby while your child sleeps in peaceful bliss in what she thinks is a perfect world.
Oh if only that was the case. This tiny innocent creature has no idea what I am doing to just get from one day to the next because she depends on me too.. I can't give up I have to push forward if not only for myself but mostly for her.
No I am not writing a dear john I am going to jump off a bridge letter, so don't even assume I am so uber depressed that I am going to harm myself. I have never been that type of person. Yes life sucks sometimes. It wouldn't be life if it was easy peasy now would it.
Everything just so happens to be hitting me at once and with the increased hormones I am just one ball of stress, nerves, and inundated emotions. The fact that the love of my life is so far away from me and I can't just crumple into a heap in his arms and just cry and have him wipe away my tears does majorly bother me. Am I a hopeless romantic and just wanted everything to be peaches and cream....you're damn straight....is it reality, fuck no.
If my life was ever a romantic comedy it would be more comedy that romance... or at least that is the way it seems.
Part of me wonders if I am the right person for the one that I love, sometimes I think that I have just mearly complicated his life to a point where it would be easier to figure out a damn Rubik cube than to untwine the complications I have brought into his life. Have I had thoughts at one time or another of just saying I cant do this anymore because he deserves better. Sure I have, frequently actually. Is it because I think he can, some of it is. Some of it is because when you are told something over and over and over for most of your life you start to believe it and it takes a long time for you to unbelieve something.
I am an emotional, physical, financial mess and there is a large part of me that thinks no one should have to deal with it. I hate to be the burden of others and right now that is what I feel like....and extremely large burden on everyone around me. Indirectly or not I still feel burdish...
Don't feel sorry for me I land on my feet eventually. I am just at the point right now where I am not even sure when that will be. I just need to do some major self-reflection and figure out which direction I am going in and see if this time maybe just maybe, I won't fuck something else up. After all...Not all hope is lost.
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