How Much Is One Person Able To Handle

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle at one time. Well then he must think I am made of a damn diamond because I have had a crap ton thrown at me in a very little amount of time. I am paddling as fast as I can to keep my head above water, but I still feel like I am an ant and God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass on a hot day and I am getting burned by the ray of sunshine.

I just got off the phone with the love of my life and he told me that he didn't like it when I am very very quiet because that is not me. Which is true.. I am usually never quiet. However, it is easier to be quiet when you are trying your hardest to not break down in to tears. It seems that all I do anymore is just sit and cry while trying to get from one day to the next. I know that there is no quick way to remedy this situation what so ever, as much as I wish that there was.

Again, I feel that I am adding so much stress to his life that he doesn't need and again I feel like a burden. I have been strong most of my life and I feel that I have finally met my breaking point.

I cry because:

We are so far apart from each other and it hurts so much
I feel that I am going to fail as a mom
I feel I am failing as a girlfriend
I feel I am failing as a person in general
I am not cleared to work so I am having a hard time remedying my financial situation
I feel like I can't call any place in particular home

I have been trying so hard to keep my anxiety attacks in check but in the end, I have ended up having 4 today. I am in constant pain and I have no more pain pills so I must work through it.

I just want to walk off a plane and into his arms and never have to leave. I want our family together. I want a place of our own, a job, the meaniel task of paying bills every month. The joy of watching him be a father and our little girl growing up. I am not wanting the fairytale. I am just wanting the person that I love the most, that has been my strength through it all, I am just wanting him...and I know that deep down that is what he wants too.

I am really not feeling like myself at all. I am usually strong-willed, determined, sure of myself, and right now I am none of those things. I feel very unsure of myself, very beaten, battered, and bruised. I feel that I have failed all those that I love. I know that I am not but I feel very much alone.

I talk to my daughter and tell her that this is not like her mommy at all. I tell her what a great person her father is, and how much I want us to be a family. I don't think she understands any of it..

I guess I will see if the brain will finally shut itself off for a bit so that I can have a break and rest... that is until the next feeding time comes around for little one.