Failure

Ever feel that you can’t do anything right? No matter where you turn you are forever screwing something up. That is how I have felt for the last few days. I don’t know if it the the sickness on top of PMSing that is just making everything I do seem like it can’t or won’t ever go right.

In the aspect of motherhood, I have  noticed that my daughter has an ouchie on her finger from teething and I feel like i could have prevented it if I maybe offered her more teething toys or one of the tons of toys she already has. I know that she would rather gnaw on herself but somewhere in there
I feel as though I failed because my child got hurt.
My child is sick and I can;t make her better. I know she doesn’t feel good and no matter how much I do to try and alleviate the fact that she doesn’t feel good it doesn’t seem to help.
She isn’t crawling yet, she sits up but barely, she won;t crawl, she stands for only a few seconds at a time. Where as others her age are leaps and bounds ahead of her. What am i doing wrong. Am I not spending enough time working on things with her. Do I need to not blog or be on Facebook and just concentrate all my energy on her. Is that why she is behind when she should be doing more things? I apparently suck at motherhood.

The comes the relationship aspect. I have finally come to accept that out of the three parts of the relationship I won’t have the physical part of mine. I have the emotional and mental but the physical just isn’t there. He says that it is him all the time, but  there just comes a point when you have to realize its not him it is you. I can’t please him, I can’t turn him on, I can’t even satisfy him. As hard as I try I can’t. I suck in the sex department I guess. So everything that any of my ex’s has ever said is true. I will forever not be able to please a man.

So then it comes down to just being friends, I will just be one of his “guys” and give him the support when he needs it, but I will let him go and find someone who can fill the physical need that I seem to be lacking heavily in. I don’t see any other way to fix it. People tell me the key is to try new things, ect ect… Problem is, we never get that far. It never happens. There is no foreplay, there is no experimenting. Most of the time I feel as though I am just an obligation. This is just a way to pacify me. So if I don’t start anything it doesn’t happen. This isn’t how I wanted it to be, but I don’t know what turns him on, I don’t know what he wants. He doesn’t talk about it and it leaves me feeling that it is because he doesn’t want to do any of those things with me. Therefore I am the problem.

Every one is avoiding me. My own family doesn’t seem to care. I thought that I was going to see people this weekend and they seem shocked when I call almost like they forgot about me. Sorry I was to busy going to a concert or spending time with this person or that person. I’m sorry I didn’t know you required attention or human interaction. I didn’t know you were so needy. I  get texts from my friends after months of not speaking to me because I had a child and everyone felt the need to abandon ship. When they text me it is to ask about my animals, or if I have someone’s number that they lost. They don’t ask how I am or how my child is. I guess I didn’t try hard enough to keep my friendships going, I guess I don’t count as a member of the family I have been in for 32 almost 33 years. Ergo, I have failed as a child and as a friend.

Marriage, I have failed at being a spouse. Maybe I bitched to much. Didn’t keep the house clean enough, Didn’t have a good handle on the bills. Didn’t understand him or where he was coming from. Anyways, I suck at marriage to.

Every aspect of my life I have failed and I don’t know what to do to change any of it. Even know as my child sits happily in her exersaucer, talking away and playing with her toys. All I want to do is go find a corner, sink down into it, cry into my nachos, and disappear. unfortunately I don’t have nachos.
Eventually maybe I won’t feel this way, but I don’t know when that will happen.

Acceptance and Change

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

In life you have to realize there are some things that will not change and just accept them. I have come to that conclusion on a few things in the last few days. I like myself most days. I don't think I am a bad person, I am just a person bad things happen to. More frequent that other people it seems.
There are things that I want to change about myself and I need to sit down and truly figure out what it is within myself weather it be physically, mentally or emotionally that I need to change and damn well do it.
I am not happy and haven't been and I need to start being happy again. I am getting short with my child because I can't seem to handle this thing called life.  I seem to be always wanting more and I know that you can't force more out of someone if they don't want you too. I guess it is the hopeless romantic in me that thinks that if I just push a little bit more or try a little harder maybe just maybe something will give. Then I realize that if I push to hard, I will end up pushing away and completely ruining it all.
Every day I look in the mirror and all I see is every little scar, little imperfection, every flaw, everything that is wrong with me.
It is hard for me to let go of the past of others, I don't know why. I know they say that the past is in the past and that is where it should stay, so why can't I make it stay that way. It seems my own past on the the other hand is easily blocked and forgotten like yesterdays garbage. How is it that I can do that to my past but not to others?
For the first time I have felt he betrayed me and lied to me. I was upset. I wouldn't say mad but I would say upset. I was so upset I was just sitting on the floor up against the couch shaking and crying. Am I going to be be betrayed again? If it is over something like this how much worse can it get?
Sometimes it seems that our relationship is to easy and I am just waiting for the implosion that seems to follow me where ever I go.
My health has taken another turn, a turn that I have not yet told him about. Mainly because I am not sure how he will react. I have put my move on hold until I can have some answers, because that will tell me if the move is actually going to happen.
Between my health and everything running through my mind- am I good enough, will it work, can I do this again, am I failing my daughter, am I failing my boyfriend, am I just failing in general,- as to why I probably do not sleep as well as I should.