Does it get any easier?

Ever drawn a blank, as in stare for what seems like an eternity and still not come up with anything. Yea I have had more of those times lately.

I know that I have done all of this before and yet still it doesn't get any easier. Last time I had a time frame for when  I would return this time I don't and that bothers me. It isn't the thought that he will forget, or that he will love me any less. I just don't do well when it comes to change. Last time it was a matter of days that we were together. This time it was a few weeks, now comes the what the fuck was I thinking, frame of mind. I have gone through that and I am still willing to move on with my life and him. I want my happily ever after and I know that he is it. As many times that I have had doubts of how he feels, time and time again he shoots any and all uncertainty down. So why, why do I still have the urge to over think EVERYTHING! That would be because I am a girl and I produce the mind numbing make you crazy over think and freak out about everything, and even though I freak out over everything anyway WITHOUT being a girl just makes it twice as bad. <facepalm repeatedly> OK, so that didn't help either.

It isn't time for me to leave just quite yet but I still fight back the tears that I am leaving him again. I am stronger when he is there, where I can reach out and touch him. Where he can give me that hug and that kiss when I need it most. Am I being a dork, yeah probably, someone that is in love and cares very very deeply for someone, damn straight.

So in trying to find the perfect song to go with this blog, I again have become blocked. I am not sure if it is the fact that the emotions that I am trying to feel at this point in time, I am trying to stave off, or if it is the fact that the man I love is sitting next to me playing his game cracking jokes and making me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place, in turn making me fall in love with him all over again.

 
Sometimes it is song lyrics that can speak everything that you are feeling at that moment in time, more so than you can ever say. Be it that you can't say them because you are afraid of a reaction that might come, or if you just want to burst in to tears every time you think about it. Most times with me it is the later of the two. I don't get why either. In a small amount of time I have become heavily emotionally invested in this man. Sometimes I wonder if he is too. Would he cry if I walked away or would he just dust off his pants and move on thinking well that was fun while it lasted. As much as I hate to have feelings like that, I do have a vagina it kind of comes with the territory.  Just like most men think with the smaller of the two heads and that is what nine times out of ten lands them in hot water with anyone of the female race.

I know that he is guarded, I know that he has his secrets. I just wish I could be the one that he confides in. In due time I guess.  Yes I know I have never referred to him by his name, I think he likes it better that way. This way he doesn't get a bunch of crap from his friends and family about his girlfriend. Does it bother me that his Facebook still reads single, of course. Do I know why it stays that way, yes I do. Granted my situation right now is not ideal, but it is a means to an end as he says. It is a way for me to get to the bigger picture and what I want. It is a way for me to get to him.

Many, many times I feel that I have failed everyone around me. My childhood was less than ideal. I have tried to forget most of it but that unfortunately doesn't happen. My childhood in a manner of speaking when it came to anything, other than my mom (that part is what I choose to remember) sucked major donkey ass. Sorry no real polite way to put that.  I know it is my past and that it should stay in my past and I should not let it color my present and my future, but I guess you have to experience what I have in order to understand why it is hard for me to do that.

I feel so bruised and broken, but I hid it with a smile on my face when all I want to do is scream and cry. Crumpled into a ball on the floor. If you looked in my eyes would you see my pain? Probably but you would have to look hard. I hid things well. I guess this should end because now I am just rambling and starting to not make sense, oh well here goes the smile when all I want to do is cry.

Time is Limited

I got a phone call that I would be lying if I said I wasn't expecting it one of these days. Today the world lost an angel. My friend Ashley died of an overdose early this morning. My friend Ashley has gone through a lot of shit in her life. Beaten severely by an ex, miscarrying a child not once but twice, she was raped at a young age, was heavy into drugs and more than once almost overdosed on alcohol and drugs. Needless to say growing up for her was less than ideal. Problem is I had a similar childhood it was just no one knew about it. Physically abused at the hands of my ex, miscarrying 3 times, mentally abused by my father, heavy into drugs and alcohol. I didn't have an ideal childhood either, but I hid mine. Ashley couldn't hid hers. In the end I never knew that she felt so alone, I never knew that there was nothing that I could do for her.

 Maybe I didn't call her as much as I should, maybe I should have paid more attention. Just knowing that I have gone through the same things there had to be something that I could have done. I could  have taken the bottle of Xanax away from her, I could have poured the bottle of absinth down the drain, but I was unable to do any of those things. I was, yet again when a friend needed me most, I was to far away to reach them in time. I am 31 years old and this now makes 4 friends I have lost to suicide in 15 years. I have been there I have been so low to contemplate it but in the end I could never leave behind the ones that do love me. Am I suicidal...no, I have come to terms that I have to deal with whatever life hands me and I have to do it with a smile on my face. As much as I would love to extend my middle fingers and just say fuck everything I don't, I can't, my heart won't let me.

I look in the mirror I see the years of abuse, the scars from the push down the stairs. In my eyes I see a girl bruised and broken.I have moments when I think I deserved everything that has been done to me. Other times I believe I didn't deserve any of it. Would I be alive if I had stayed with him. I know that if I had left sooner I would my son. He took a life from me and I WILL NEVER forgive him for that. An innocent child died because I, his mother over stepped some invisible boundary and in turned paid for it with his little life. I hope that he can forgive me wherever he is.

I think tonight is going to be one of those nights I just cry and cry and cry. Leaving the love of my life in 2 days to go back home is not helping either. I don't want to leave his side, but I have to. Hopefully not for long.

Lightning Crashes

Last night I finally released a huge weight off my shoulders after I finally told the man that I love more than anything something that I have been carrying around with me for the last 7 years.  I was so scared to tell him about it because I didn't know if he would run for the door. I feel as though I have failed him when it comes to him wanting children.

He has told me that we could adopt if we decide that we want children. As for the marriage thing we have both decided maybe it will happen but we are both content on just being together. He has never done the marriage thing, and even though I have, he is worth me doing it all over again, but I would be just as content on not doing it and just being with him. I can have the house, the cars, the mutual possession and never have to marry. I look at Goldi Hawn and Kurt Russel for a positive role model in that aspect.

Having my dreams again are not helping. I had about a dozen of them last night and he had to wake me from most of them. I awoke today and the evidence of the dreams was plain as day. Scratches all down my arms. As much as the dreams that are involving my pass bother me. It are the ones that involve him that bother me even more. This last dream that I had was I believe the worst one of all. They are so vivid, I swear I can smell, taste, hear, feel, and see everything going on around me like it is reality.

He was mad, I wasn't sure why. I asked him not to go but he left anyway. I was left there crying wondering what I had done wrong. The pieces of my heart ripped out and torn into a million pieces. He said he didn't love me, that he never had, then I saw him kiss her and smile. I stood there outside as they walked away, rain pouring down on just me, the tears falling, screaming at him not to leave me, that I could be everything that he wanted he just had to give me that chance. I knew the girl I had seen her before, but I could not place her face or how I knew her. Suddenly a couple years had passed and I ran into her again. She wore a simple silver ring on her left finger and a baby on her hip. Looking at the child it had his piercing blue eyes and dark hair. My heart broke all over again. She had been able to give him what I was unable to.

I woke myself from this dream and he was not in the room with me when it happened. After a jog outside, I took a shower, the dream was still fresh in my mind and so I just let the tears fall. Tonight has been a little difficult. My parents are coming to visit for a few days so he has gone home for that time. Tonight I did cry a little when he took his things and left. It is the first night since I have been here that we have been apart. I know it is just a few days if not before that I will see him again. Next Thursday will be the hardest for me because I will have to leave him for an undetermined amount of time.

I am planning on coming down after Christmas and spending the new year with him. I am hoping that it all works that way. Nothing so far on the job front other than a thank you, but no thank you we need the degree, a little on the frustrating side. As for housing I am looking to rent a house. I just need to figure out what I can feasibly afford a month in the way of a rent payment because there is no way that I am going to be able to buy anytime soon.

Just finished talking to him and I love the way he says good night. "Good night, sweet dreams, and I love you" I could get used to that for the rest of my life.