Time is Limited

I got a phone call that I would be lying if I said I wasn't expecting it one of these days. Today the world lost an angel. My friend Ashley died of an overdose early this morning. My friend Ashley has gone through a lot of shit in her life. Beaten severely by an ex, miscarrying a child not once but twice, she was raped at a young age, was heavy into drugs and more than once almost overdosed on alcohol and drugs. Needless to say growing up for her was less than ideal. Problem is I had a similar childhood it was just no one knew about it. Physically abused at the hands of my ex, miscarrying 3 times, mentally abused by my father, heavy into drugs and alcohol. I didn't have an ideal childhood either, but I hid mine. Ashley couldn't hid hers. In the end I never knew that she felt so alone, I never knew that there was nothing that I could do for her.

 Maybe I didn't call her as much as I should, maybe I should have paid more attention. Just knowing that I have gone through the same things there had to be something that I could have done. I could  have taken the bottle of Xanax away from her, I could have poured the bottle of absinth down the drain, but I was unable to do any of those things. I was, yet again when a friend needed me most, I was to far away to reach them in time. I am 31 years old and this now makes 4 friends I have lost to suicide in 15 years. I have been there I have been so low to contemplate it but in the end I could never leave behind the ones that do love me. Am I suicidal...no, I have come to terms that I have to deal with whatever life hands me and I have to do it with a smile on my face. As much as I would love to extend my middle fingers and just say fuck everything I don't, I can't, my heart won't let me.

I look in the mirror I see the years of abuse, the scars from the push down the stairs. In my eyes I see a girl bruised and broken.I have moments when I think I deserved everything that has been done to me. Other times I believe I didn't deserve any of it. Would I be alive if I had stayed with him. I know that if I had left sooner I would my son. He took a life from me and I WILL NEVER forgive him for that. An innocent child died because I, his mother over stepped some invisible boundary and in turned paid for it with his little life. I hope that he can forgive me wherever he is.

I think tonight is going to be one of those nights I just cry and cry and cry. Leaving the love of my life in 2 days to go back home is not helping either. I don't want to leave his side, but I have to. Hopefully not for long.