Last night I finally released a huge weight off my shoulders after I finally told the man that I love more than anything something that I have been carrying around with me for the last 7 years. I was so scared to tell him about it because I didn't know if he would run for the door. I feel as though I have failed him when it comes to him wanting children.
He has told me that we could adopt if we decide that we want children. As for the marriage thing we have both decided maybe it will happen but we are both content on just being together. He has never done the marriage thing, and even though I have, he is worth me doing it all over again, but I would be just as content on not doing it and just being with him. I can have the house, the cars, the mutual possession and never have to marry. I look at Goldi Hawn and Kurt Russel for a positive role model in that aspect.
Having my dreams again are not helping. I had about a dozen of them last night and he had to wake me from most of them. I awoke today and the evidence of the dreams was plain as day. Scratches all down my arms. As much as the dreams that are involving my pass bother me. It are the ones that involve him that bother me even more. This last dream that I had was I believe the worst one of all. They are so vivid, I swear I can smell, taste, hear, feel, and see everything going on around me like it is reality.
He was mad, I wasn't sure why. I asked him not to go but he left anyway. I was left there crying wondering what I had done wrong. The pieces of my heart ripped out and torn into a million pieces. He said he didn't love me, that he never had, then I saw him kiss her and smile. I stood there outside as they walked away, rain pouring down on just me, the tears falling, screaming at him not to leave me, that I could be everything that he wanted he just had to give me that chance. I knew the girl I had seen her before, but I could not place her face or how I knew her. Suddenly a couple years had passed and I ran into her again. She wore a simple silver ring on her left finger and a baby on her hip. Looking at the child it had his piercing blue eyes and dark hair. My heart broke all over again. She had been able to give him what I was unable to.
I woke myself from this dream and he was not in the room with me when it happened. After a jog outside, I took a shower, the dream was still fresh in my mind and so I just let the tears fall. Tonight has been a little difficult. My parents are coming to visit for a few days so he has gone home for that time. Tonight I did cry a little when he took his things and left. It is the first night since I have been here that we have been apart. I know it is just a few days if not before that I will see him again. Next Thursday will be the hardest for me because I will have to leave him for an undetermined amount of time.
I am planning on coming down after Christmas and spending the new year with him. I am hoping that it all works that way. Nothing so far on the job front other than a thank you, but no thank you we need the degree, a little on the frustrating side. As for housing I am looking to rent a house. I just need to figure out what I can feasibly afford a month in the way of a rent payment because there is no way that I am going to be able to buy anytime soon.
Just finished talking to him and I love the way he says good night. "Good night, sweet dreams, and I love you" I could get used to that for the rest of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment