I know that I have done all of this before and yet still it doesn't get any easier. Last time I had a time frame for when I would return this time I don't and that bothers me. It isn't the thought that he will forget, or that he will love me any less. I just don't do well when it comes to change. Last time it was a matter of days that we were together. This time it was a few weeks, now comes the what the fuck was I thinking, frame of mind. I have gone through that and I am still willing to move on with my life and him. I want my happily ever after and I know that he is it. As many times that I have had doubts of how he feels, time and time again he shoots any and all uncertainty down. So why, why do I still have the urge to over think EVERYTHING! That would be because I am a girl and I produce the mind numbing make you crazy over think and freak out about everything, and even though I freak out over everything anyway WITHOUT being a girl just makes it twice as bad. <facepalm repeatedly> OK, so that didn't help either.
It isn't time for me to leave just quite yet but I still fight back the tears that I am leaving him again. I am stronger when he is there, where I can reach out and touch him. Where he can give me that hug and that kiss when I need it most. Am I being a dork, yeah probably, someone that is in love and cares very very deeply for someone, damn straight.
So in trying to find the perfect song to go with this blog, I again have become blocked. I am not sure if it is the fact that the emotions that I am trying to feel at this point in time, I am trying to stave off, or if it is the fact that the man I love is sitting next to me playing his game cracking jokes and making me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place, in turn making me fall in love with him all over again.
Sometimes it is song lyrics that can speak everything that you are feeling at that moment in time, more so than you can ever say. Be it that you can't say them because you are afraid of a reaction that might come, or if you just want to burst in to tears every time you think about it. Most times with me it is the later of the two. I don't get why either. In a small amount of time I have become heavily emotionally invested in this man. Sometimes I wonder if he is too. Would he cry if I walked away or would he just dust off his pants and move on thinking well that was fun while it lasted. As much as I hate to have feelings like that, I do have a vagina it kind of comes with the territory. Just like most men think with the smaller of the two heads and that is what nine times out of ten lands them in hot water with anyone of the female race.
I know that he is guarded, I know that he has his secrets. I just wish I could be the one that he confides in. In due time I guess. Yes I know I have never referred to him by his name, I think he likes it better that way. This way he doesn't get a bunch of crap from his friends and family about his girlfriend. Does it bother me that his Facebook still reads single, of course. Do I know why it stays that way, yes I do. Granted my situation right now is not ideal, but it is a means to an end as he says. It is a way for me to get to the bigger picture and what I want. It is a way for me to get to him.
Many, many times I feel that I have failed everyone around me. My childhood was less than ideal. I have tried to forget most of it but that unfortunately doesn't happen. My childhood in a manner of speaking when it came to anything, other than my mom (that part is what I choose to remember) sucked major donkey ass. Sorry no real polite way to put that. I know it is my past and that it should stay in my past and I should not let it color my present and my future, but I guess you have to experience what I have in order to understand why it is hard for me to do that.
I feel so bruised and broken, but I hid it with a smile on my face when all I want to do is scream and cry. Crumpled into a ball on the floor. If you looked in my eyes would you see my pain? Probably but you would have to look hard. I hid things well. I guess this should end because now I am just rambling and starting to not make sense, oh well here goes the smile when all I want to do is cry.
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