Jumbled Thoughts

To love another can be the most powerful feeling in the world. It can also at times be the worst feeling in the world. Mostly when you feel as a partner that you are not doing everything in your power to keep them happy. It could be past experiences that are creeping into my thoughts or the fact that even though I have loved people before in my life I have never loved someone as deep as I love him. Yes he isn’t perfect and far be it for me to say that I am. He has never given me any reason to doubt or speculate or question his actions, yet time and time again I do. 

Is it the distance, or some female instinct? Whatever it is, it is loud and proud and in my face. Even as I lay in my bed up until a moment ago after my daughter went to sleep, in my exhausted state I tossed and turned the pain from my fall earlier making sleep but a distant want, my mind wandered and wondered if there isn’t someone better out there for the love of my life. Someone that is more suited to his personality and his needs someone that wont be second guessing themselves every time they turn around. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this man raising our daughter. He has taught me the value of patience when it seems so hard to be. He has taught me not to judge a book by its cover because there is more than meets the eye. That love and beauty are truly in the eye of the beholder all though in this case I think the beholder needs a set of glasses.  

I close my eyes and I can see every curve of his face, every line of his tattoos, every small scare. I can hear his voice as if he is next to me. All I want to do is reach out and touch him, to remind myself he is real and he did for some reason pick me to be his equal and his partner through all this. How do you ask your partner to share their wants and desires and what turns them on with you when they in your mind don’t really want to?  My thought is that by sharing them I will know what he wants and what he likes and I can get better in that area. Something tells me I wont though.  

I wonder if part of my sleeplessness is for the fact that I had a vivid beyond vivid dream the other night in which I watched the love of my life and my daughter both murdered in front of my eyes. I ran to my childs crib to see her sleeping soundly and almost made the phone call to make sure he was ok. I refrained from doing so because I knew that he had to work in the morning and all I could think of is that his thought would be “who in the hell is this stark raving mad lunatic that is calling me in the middle of the night making no sense about something”  Even know being awake I can still see the dream in my subconscious as vivid as it was when I was asleep.  

I don’t want to be without him, and don’t start thinking that I am one of those girls that will kill herself or start self harming herself because *audible gasp* a boy doesn’t want to be with her anymore….Please, I am not that much of a drama queen.  Would I be heartbroken, Yes. Would I be ok after a grieving period, yes. Why is that? Because I love him and will always love him and it would hurt that he wouldn’t want to be with me any longer but as time and time before I healed, I moved on, and I prevailed.  

During a conversation with (for all intents and purposes) my ex he decided to ask me if he should move 4 hours away to be with this woman and her child that he has fallen for and that he needs to take care of. He then proceeded to tell me that he feels more for her than he ever felt for me and to not take offense but she is so much prettier…. Wow you are a true dickhead.  I admit at one time I did love my ex, I wouldn’t have walked down the aisle and bet him half my crap if I didn’t… lucky for me it is half the crap I no longer want and it can be thrown away for all I care. But I never called him names other than jackass, asshole, and a few other choice phrases but that is mainly because of the way I was treated and some of the stupid things he has done, but I have never claimed to his face to have more feelings towards my love than I did my ex or call him ugly and go on  and on about how much hotter my love is than him. Mainly because I do not believe in attacking someone on a looks based level. All that does is hurt a person and can really mess them up mentally. I have been mentally abused enough over the years that I have a first hand experience in how much it can affect someone (hence why I think I have some of my doubts with my love) 

Yes part of me believes that my love is out of my league I mean come on the man is HAWT! But at the same time we are equals, even though 95% of the time he is the eternal 5 year old trapped in an almost 32 year old mans body…isn’t the saying that women mature faster than men…case closed. At least 5% of the time he can be the adult he needs to be when the occasion calls for it. 

I am not sure if this post is making any sense or if it is just me getting things out of my head in the hopes that it might clear up some jumbled thoughts and get rid of some of the doubts that seem to be boring a hole into my brain with a red hot poker.

Feeling Lost

I have finally put a feeling to this sense of being lost. It feels as though I am having an out of body experience. I am going through the motions that I have to every day of caring for my child. I make sure she is bathed, fed, changed, happy, and cared for.She sleeps and I cry. I clean, organize, realize I have nothing more to clean and organize so I do it all over again. I toss and turn because sleep is downright impossible. I try to read, I try to do things to keep my mind and hands occupied then my mind wont over think, it wont sit there and realize how miserable it really is.
Yes my family is here but no one really cares. All my friends or should I say so called friends deserted me the min Ashlynne was born.
I am losing my hair, I have no appetite. I force myself to eat and just end up picking at my food and most of the time just putting it back in the fridge to try again the next meal time.
My job search is not going well and I am sitting with $.55 in my bank account. On the positive side at least it is a positive balance.
I hate the fact that my family has to be so far apart, but even when we are together not everything seems to be in sync. Like we are a little off kilter and I am not sure exactly where that feeling is coming from. Maybe I am just to damn needy.
I have a guy that is way to good to me and sometimes I don't think that I even deserve it. All though every fiber of my being wants to give him the sun, the moon, and the stars. I never want him to hurt again. I never want him to be disappointed (which I think I am doing more so than not) I just want him to be forever happy.
Well now that all the thoughts that I had in my head have become a jumbled mess once again I will try and sort them out and make sense of them in another blog sometime.

Love Gone In An Instant

It was a dream I know it was. All I know is that her name was Jessica.  It was like any other day. He was working and he would call me in between properties. 

The night before was like any other night he got home from work, he called me before I went to bed. He said he loved me and we ended our conversation. So then why should the next day be so different? He called me in the morning and was the usual conversation asking me how I slept, asking me what my plan for the day was. I told him and then all of a sudden I heard him talking to someone (not unusual he does that frequently with me on the phone) what was different this time is I heard him talking to someone about a ring. My heart started to jump I was so excited that he was getting me a ring because we have not talked about getting me another ring. Then he told me to hold on because he had another call (again not unusual) He came back on the phone and told me he was sorry but he was needing to know what Jessica’s ring size was so that he could buy her engagement ring. WHAT!? He was buying this girl an engagement ring. I asked him what that was all about and he told me that he had moved on, I had my chance and he was done. He hadn’t said anything earlier because he wasn’t sure how to go about it, but now since I knew his plan he didn’t have to act anymore. He was so over our relationship for a while now and he had moved on over the last few months. He was really happy with Jessica and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.  I had my chance and he was tired of waiting. I asked him how he could propose after only a couple months when him and I had almost 2 years. He just said he was, no concrete reason why. He quit loving me like overnight. His voice was mean and ruthless; his voice went from a loving friend to pure hatred. He was rude, careless; he said so many hurtful things. Things he had never, ever said to me before.  I knew it was a dream and I knew I was crying my chest was hurting so bad. I was screaming at myself to wake up and it wasn’t working. I then heard him stop the truck and meet up with this girl Jessica and then I heard what was the final undoing, I heard him propose to her.  I heard him tell her she was the love of his life and that no one has ever made him happier, that he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with her and I could just hear the happiness in his voice and the love that I thought he had for me. Then the line went dead. I called back and she answered his phone (no one answers his phone except him) She told me she deleted all my text messages and that I was never to call him again, that she had gone on to his facebook and deleted all the pictures I taken him in, and then deleted me off his friends list. She said after she was done talking to me she would be deleting me out of his phone. I asked to speak to him one last time and she allowed me to do that. When I asked him why she was allowed to do all this, he told me point blank that she was the love of his life and I had put him through so much that all he wanted was me gone and out of his life. He then handed the phone back to her and said one last thing I overheard and that was “please just hang up that chapter of my life is over, time to start the one I want to be in” the phone then went dead for the last time and my body finally let me wake back up.

Today I Cried....

Today I cried…..

I cried a lot today, even know as I am typing this I have to wipe tears away from my eyes. I have taken the opportunity to write now that my daughter is changed, fed, and happily playing 10 feet from me on her playmat. A culmination of things has finally just all gotten to me and I have finally broken. 

I feel I am being very selfish right now, but I am trying as hard as I can to push those feelings aside. Everyone has different priorities in their lives that I can’t expect anyone to make me one of them.

 I feel right now very much cast aside. I don’t feel as though I am a priority in anyone’s life except for my daughter mainly because she depends on me day in and day out to clean, feed, change, and play with her.  Even though I do that every day, day in and day out, I still to some point feel as though I am neglecting her.

 When it comes to the love of my life, I feel that he and I have run out of things to talk about.  I get to feeling that I am boring and not fun. I miss going out with friends or having people over and sitting around playing games and enjoying each other’s company. A part of me feels as though I am holding him back.

 More often than not after little one goes down for the evening I am sitting by myself and realize how very alone I feel. I feel very alienated. I do things to keep myself occupied and try to squelch the feeling of loneliness, but that only lasts for so long and then it is back to square one. I don’t have money to go and do things, and the little money that I do have I put forth in making sure my daughter is taken care of first. I used to be an avid reader and have my face shoved in a book at all times, but even that cannot keep my concentration anymore.

Have you heard the phrase “the one that got away” Part of me thinks that there is one that got away from my love and I am standing in the way of him finding her again and giving what they had a second shot. I fear I have just complicated things in the aspect. Sometimes I feel that all others are to be happy and I am not. Am I happy with my life? In a manner of speaking yes, in other ways I am completely miserable. I love my boyfriend, I love our daughter, but the distance is killing me. Yes every time I get a text or a phone call from him my day brightens a little bit, but being so far away from him and not being able to kiss him whenever I want, or hug him whenever I want or to see the smile that our daughter and I can bring to his face makes me just want to cry.

Part of me feels as though I am losing touch with people and in a way I am losing touch with myself. I see my therapist regularly and he says that everything that I am feeling is normal. So then why do I feel like it is karma sitting over me with a magnifying glass in the sun like a little ant. That finally everything I have ever done wrong, every mistake, every bad choice is now coming back to proverbially bite me in the ass. There are many many times I have looked at the booze in the fridge and just pictured pouring my sorrows into the bottom of a bottle and just saying forget everything for the time being, but I have watched someone else do that and I have a little one to take care of and I would never do anything to jeopardize any of it. So I shut the fridge door grab a handful of animal crackers and a glass of juice and play a computer game or something else to occupy my time.

For one of the first times in my life my organized life is just that no longer organized and it is causing me some anxiety.  I have a box of paperwork that needs to be organized, I need to go through the boxes of things that I have from my house, and I need to go through my little ones clothes. None of which is getting accomplished, and it is not that I am procrastinating about it; it is the fact that I just start it and then I get sidetracked or completely forget that I had started it in the first place.

One of these days I might have the answers for the way that I feel but until then I guess I will continue to shuffle through and make the most of it.

24 Hours of Silence

So in less than 12 hours I will be starting 24 hours of silence between me and the love of my life. We have decided to start it tonight because he will be sleeping tonight  due to having to work all day tomorrow, and I will be sitting down and hashing things out regarding the divorce with my soon to be ex. So we figured that it was as good a time as any to do this exercise my therapist wants me to do. We will be able to talk Saturday night and then we will be able to tell each other about our days and get any frustrations out. It is going to be very hard for me to go 24 hours without talking to him or texting him and I am sure that I will have a few pictures of little one to send to him by the time we can break the 24 hour vow of silence.  One of the reasons my therapist wants me to do this with a few of the important people in my life is because he wants to see how dependant I am on everyone else. I feel that I am a very independent person, but he says it isn’t in the physical aspect of dependency. He says it is a mental and emotional dependency, and for that he wants to know if my level of dependency in that aspect is healthy. He believes it is, but he says this will consciously prove other things. Then he started talking all psychological like and well sometimes I have a tendency to zone out and hear nothing but what sounds like the teacher in the Snoopy cartoons.

I was also told by my therapist to write letters to a few people that I love and tell them how I feel about them, where I think I am excelling in the relationship, and where I am failing in the relationship, and then to get feedback from them on what I have written. He is telling me that by doing these two exercises it is going to strengthen my relationships and make me more aware of things around me. We shall see.

After a long night of ups and downs with the little one I am doing nothing but dragging tail today and there is a crap load of things that I want to do, or should say I need to do. I need to schedule another therapy session and I need to make doctor’s appointments. I need to make some payment arrangements for bills and I need to get more done on the divorce decree.  When all I really want to do today is to crawl into bed and sleep. I would be so much better if my love was here because then I would have someone I could snuggle up to.  If it wasn’t for the heat I would put little one in her stroller and I would take a nice long walk and start to get going on the weight loss and trying to get myself healthier, but with temps in the high 90’s and heat index with almost 100 percent humidity in the low 100’s to 110’s I have opted to stay indoors. So little one and I have been playing some music and dancing and rocking out.

I guess the way that I need to look at my therapy sessions is a voyage of self discovery and self preservation. To look deep into my past and confront the demons that I have long ago suppressed and hoped never to see again, and by confronting the things in my past I can get through it and move on and be for the better. I am just concerned that the things in my past are going to open a whole new can of worms and influence and possibly ruin the relationships I have now. I am all for this if it is going to help me and get rid of the bad dreams, and everything else from my past that seems to not let go, but I don’t want to have my current relationships suffer for it.

First Steps To Self Discovery....or Self Destruction

I have been attempting to write this blog post for almost a week now but I can’t seem to get all the thoughts to make sense and end up deleting it because I don’t like the way that it sounds. I have come to the conclusion that I do have a little bit of depression going on. The man I love is 1200 miles away from me and there is nothing I can immediately do to remedy that. My daughter is still recovering from getting her two month shots and the reaction that followed that. She also had the tongue tie she had from birth fixed and I am sure that counted for some of the pain and fussiness. Things are starting to get difficult with my soon to be ex and him and I just end up fighting every time we talk to each other. My love keeps telling me not to talk to him unless I have to and usually that is what I do. I call him or text him for something that I need to talk to him about having to do with the divorce or things at the house and yet we still end up fighting. I don’t wish any ill will on my ex and all I want is for him to be happy in whatever endeavor he chooses. I don’t possess the bone in my body that allows me to hate someone. I can very much dislike someone. I don’t hate my biological father, I dislike him very much but I cannot hate him. I hope that he is happy in Texas and that he has found someone that makes him happy and that he is loving the life he has made for himself.  My love has talked about moving up here to be with me and our daughter while I am dealing with all this crap. Part of me wishes he would so that he and I can be together but then another part of me wishes for him to stay put in Florida where he is already established and has a job. All I want for him to do is follow his heart and be happy where ever that may take him.  

Today I take another step. It has been suggested because of the bad dreams that I have and the nightmares from things in my past that I seek professional help, because talking to friends and family about it just doesn’t seem to be helping.  Today was my first session with a therapist. I don’t like to discuss things with a complete stranger. Especially very personal things.  The person I talked to today wants me to do a set of exercises and some treatments to see if I have something called Conversion Disorder. The doctor said the reason he thinks that I might have it is because of my history of anxiety and stress and today when I came in he could tell I was anxious and when things started to turn to stressful situations in my life my ticks and fits that I have (almost like small seizures or tremors) seemed to increase and it was only when I seemed to be stressed or anxious even if the situation itself wasn’t.  We also figured out that the tremors and fits started after I was diagnosed with something called Meiners Disease that is something that will deteriorate over time and affect my hearing. In a very short time I have had a lot of things cumulate and come to a head. Including things from my past, the imminent divorce with my husband, kind of being a single mom (not by choice and it is terrible for the both of us. Her father is an active part of her life as much as he can be right now. A situation hopefully to be shortly remedied.) My health issues, my financial stress, and a couple other things. With all of that hitting the proverbial fan all at the same time it has become too much on me and they are thinking my body is trying to deal with it in the only way it can by giving me fits of muscle spasms and tremors, essentially converting my anxiety into a physical issue.

As if my health issues were not enough of a pain in the butt, my family is now gone off the deep end. Starting all kinds of drama amongst everyone. I try my best to ignore it because frankly I don’t have the energy for it, I am above acting like a juvenile, I have someone else I need to focus my energy on called my child, and a whole slew of other things that I don’t have time to play the childish games just because everyone has stopped catering to them and stopped focusing all their time, energy, and money on them. Time to grow up fellas.

For the first time in my therapy session today I had to do something that I am not usually comfortable with and usually only share with my writings that are not posted in my blog. I had to talk about my relationship with the love of my life. I had to discuss my fears, my hopes, my expectations.  He asked me if I saw the relationship going long term. He asked about marriage in the future. He asked if I thought that my love would be able to handle the relationship when things got tough and he meant tougher than they are now. He asked me things that I actually wasn’t able to answer. Mainly because he said my thoughts of how things are going and if we are able to get through some of the things he asked, could be the complete opposite of how my love feels, and he didn’t want to see a one sided relationship. So I have been given the task of doing some paper exercises and writing exercises. Part of me feels like it is in school again. At least I don’t have to break out the dolls and explain it with puppets. That would just be weird.

They also want me to start something called Psychodynamic  Psychotherapy, hoping to get to the unconscious content in my brain that I guess stems back to childhood and to see if that relieves any of the tension and issues I am having.

I also told him that I feel that I am failing as a mom because I do become so easily frustrated with her and have to walk away a lot of times. I know babies cry but mine seem to cry a lot more than most. Yes she has had a case of the colic but they said that was over, yet she stuff fusses none stop.  I don’t know what I am doing wrong.  I don’t want to have the feeling towards my child that they have done nothing but complicate my life but at the same time I love her unconditionally and would do anything for her. One should never feel that way against their own flesh and blood, so then why am I having those feelings. Right now she is in her crib screaming at the top of her lungs and I don’t know why. She is clean, she is dry, and she is full. I don’t know what else to do. Is she over tired, am I not spending enough time with her when I am with her constantly. Or is there something more wrong. I have taken her to the doctors and they say she is in great health and doing fantastic….so then what is the problem?!  

I also feel that I am failing as a girlfriend and I am unable to do what I need to on that front.  Sometimes I feel I am failing emotionally and mentally, and all the time I feel I am failing physically. He is so stressed out and frustrated and there is nothing I can do to alleviate that, if anything I am just complicating the problem tenfold. I feel as though him and I have lost some of the connection that we used to have in the beginning and I don’t know what to do to get that back. Maybe I am not the one to give him that connection. As much as I hate to feel that way, sometimes I just don’t feel adequate in that aspect and wonder if I am doing more harm than good.  I mean I love this man a lot and would do anything for him, and want nothing more than to make him happy and satisfied. The therapist that I am seeing wants me to not talk to the love of my life for one night and then tell him how that made me and the love of my life feel. I can like statuses and share links on facebook but he doesn’t want me to make phone contact, text message, or message on any messaging program. I told him that I was already going to hate it, but if it something he wants done for the therapy then I guess I will do it.