Tonight is my last night here and then I have to return to the bitter coldness of the north. Tomorrow the doctors will tell me what my next step is.
So tonight as I sit and let the tears fall while listening to his song, I am not crying because of sadness. I am crying out of love. Confused, let me see if I can explain.
I cry out of love because I am not going to be able to turn over every morning and open my eyes to see him there. I will not receive a good morning kiss on the forehead. I will not have him by my side as lab results are read and test diagnostics done. I am crying because when night falls and I am left with my thoughts I know that he too will be looking to the stars and thinking the same thing... be safe my love, and come back to me.
I am crying out of love for someone who even though they don't think they are, are one of the most magnificent people I have ever met. I can not help but have a smile on my face just thinking about a screwy joke he would crack, or a dorky comment that he would make. Why? Because it is what made me fall in love with him in the first place.
He has never judged me, he has never looked at my imperfections, he has never taken me for what I am not. He has accepted me, myself and I for everything that I am. Sickness and in health.
I am not a Victoria Secret model, I don't have a fancy car, I don't have millions of dollars, I am not the smartest person in the world. I am a person who makes mistakes, I am a person who finds it hard to admit that they are wrong, but who will do it any way, I am a person who looks at herself in the mirror and sees her imperfections.
I am a person with a heart of gold, that would save every abandoned animal, and adopt every orphaned child, who would pay for every poor persons food, shelter, and medical care if she had all the money in the world. I am a person that wishes for a better tomorrow for my child, who hopes that war and hatred would stop, who cries for no apparent reason than other to just cry.
I may not be society's idea of normal, nor do I want to be. I want to be me, and individual who won't be the perfect parent, but who will be the best parent that she can be. I won't be the greatest girlfriend of all time, but will try my hardest to be his equal and support him when he needs it, I am not the worlds best daughter, but when push comes to shove would drop everything to be by my mother's side in times of hardship.
I am judgemental at times, I am stubborn, I am quick to assume, I may falter and be unsteady, but that is just part of life. I don't know if I will ever leave a lasting mark on all mankind and make it into history books, but I do know that the one thing I wish to attain in life, is that when my times comes and I am to depart is that someone out there remembers me for me, and stops to say to someone "I really wish you could have met her, she was an amazing person and she was part of my life and for that I will forever be thankful."
If I can achieve that then I as a person have achieved success
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Full Monty
In a couple short days I am leaving the love of my life and the place that I long to call home. Neither one of us are taking it very well. Not only because we do not want to be apart from each other but because we are not sure I will ever be back.
No I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but there is more to all this than everyone knows. My body is shutting down and I am in a matter of terms dying. I have been in renal failure since I was 17, I have had ups and downs. I have had bad times and good times.
All this time like I said in my previous post I am used to doing everything on my own, and now that I don't have to I find myself in a very unusual position.
My thing is that I have lived with this for so long and I have had time to prepare myself for what could happen and would most likely eventually happen, but then again it was just me. I was ready for anything. I now find myself not ready for any of it.
It was one of the reasons that I took the precautions I did with the birth control and everything because knowing with my incredibly sucky health that getting pregnant and carrying the pregnancy was almost a guaranteed death sentence. Yet by the time I found out that I was pregnant, it was to far along to terminate the pregnancy and once I saw her on the screen I was done. I was going to do everything in my physical power and give my all including my life to bring this little innocent bundle of joy into the world.
Now I am faced with the very scary realization that he maybe raising this child on his own, with out me there. Every day he will be living with a reminder of me. Will he see me in her eyes, her smile, her laugh. Will she have my stubborn hardheadedness. Will she be the spitfire that her mother is. One thing I know for sure, is that he will love her unconditionally regardless. He will have my mother and my family there to help him with anything he ever needs for her.
I can feel my body day by day getting weaker but I am trying to be brave and trying with all my might to put a smile on my face. At night when he is at work I have time to sit and think, I talk to our daughter and tell her what a lucky little girl she is to have him as her daddy.
I am not scared about starting treatment I am used to having procedures and treatments and doctors appointments and this that and the other. What does terrify me is of what and who I am going to leave behind if the worst happens.
However, I will let each and everyone of them, my family, my daughter, and the love of my life know every min of every day that I love each and everyone of them and will til I take my last breath. As much as I hope that I am old, grey and wrinkled when that last breath comes, I will do whatever I have to.
No I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but there is more to all this than everyone knows. My body is shutting down and I am in a matter of terms dying. I have been in renal failure since I was 17, I have had ups and downs. I have had bad times and good times.
All this time like I said in my previous post I am used to doing everything on my own, and now that I don't have to I find myself in a very unusual position.
My thing is that I have lived with this for so long and I have had time to prepare myself for what could happen and would most likely eventually happen, but then again it was just me. I was ready for anything. I now find myself not ready for any of it.
It was one of the reasons that I took the precautions I did with the birth control and everything because knowing with my incredibly sucky health that getting pregnant and carrying the pregnancy was almost a guaranteed death sentence. Yet by the time I found out that I was pregnant, it was to far along to terminate the pregnancy and once I saw her on the screen I was done. I was going to do everything in my physical power and give my all including my life to bring this little innocent bundle of joy into the world.
Now I am faced with the very scary realization that he maybe raising this child on his own, with out me there. Every day he will be living with a reminder of me. Will he see me in her eyes, her smile, her laugh. Will she have my stubborn hardheadedness. Will she be the spitfire that her mother is. One thing I know for sure, is that he will love her unconditionally regardless. He will have my mother and my family there to help him with anything he ever needs for her.
I can feel my body day by day getting weaker but I am trying to be brave and trying with all my might to put a smile on my face. At night when he is at work I have time to sit and think, I talk to our daughter and tell her what a lucky little girl she is to have him as her daddy.
I am not scared about starting treatment I am used to having procedures and treatments and doctors appointments and this that and the other. What does terrify me is of what and who I am going to leave behind if the worst happens.
However, I will let each and everyone of them, my family, my daughter, and the love of my life know every min of every day that I love each and everyone of them and will til I take my last breath. As much as I hope that I am old, grey and wrinkled when that last breath comes, I will do whatever I have to.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Exhaustion
Physically and mentally I am toast. I have never been in the situation I now find myself in. Usually I am left to fight my battles alone. Now I have someone who is willing to fight them right beside me and I am not sure how to feel.
From the time I was 16 until 3 years ago I saved and saved all that I could. I had a $17 an hour job, I thought I had a good marriage, I was in a position to go back to school and finally get my degree. Within 6 months my $20k savings was gone, money was tight and I left school to attempt to get work, my marriage was to the point where there was no saving it, I ended up getting extremely sick, and because of someone on a power trip I didn't get my $17 and hour job back.
10 months ago I met someone that would become a huge part of my life, even bigger than I could imagin. We have had our share of issues mainly having to do with my health and and issue that refuses to give me what I want so that I can move on and make a move for the better.
He is under enough stress with the things in his life, that I sometimes feel like I am just making his life even harder because of the things that I am facing on my end. I get upset and I get frustrated and that is when I get quiet. I am used to doing things on my own and to know that the things that are affecting me are affecting him to is a very very new concept. I have never had to account for someone elses emotions and well being before, and I love this man very very very deeply.
How does someone go from being little miss independent most of her life and striving for her goals in life, and her aspirations to that of adding another person to it, and above all I am not just adding one more person but in a few short months I will be adding a third person.
Yet for someone who is used to doing things on her own and fighting her own battles when I think I am about to my breaking point is when the urge for intimacy comes into play. I want to be held, I want someone to kiss all the pain away, I want that physical connection that sometimes I feel is so lost. Why if I am so used to doing things on my own, do I get the urge for intimacy?
Sometimes I feel like an insecure little girl who can never do anything right and seems to depend on everyone else to make all my choices for me, yet I am the one that makes them all and sometimes none of them seem right. Ever feel that you have failed as a person? I know that feeling all to well sometimes it seems.
Does any of this make sense? Probably not. Am I any closer to answers that I seek than I was when I started? Nope....Will I ever be? Maybe.
One thing that I do know for sure is that less than 100 feet away from me is a man that loves me and for whatever reason that is, is willing to stick by me and love me no matter what comes my way. He is ready to stand by my side and put his emotional make up to the test, just as I do mine. For whatever reason, he is mine and I am his and together we will get through this. I am not sure how, or when, but I do know that one day eventually I will be fine, and it will be because we got through it together. What day will that be? Only time will tell.
From the time I was 16 until 3 years ago I saved and saved all that I could. I had a $17 an hour job, I thought I had a good marriage, I was in a position to go back to school and finally get my degree. Within 6 months my $20k savings was gone, money was tight and I left school to attempt to get work, my marriage was to the point where there was no saving it, I ended up getting extremely sick, and because of someone on a power trip I didn't get my $17 and hour job back.
10 months ago I met someone that would become a huge part of my life, even bigger than I could imagin. We have had our share of issues mainly having to do with my health and and issue that refuses to give me what I want so that I can move on and make a move for the better.
He is under enough stress with the things in his life, that I sometimes feel like I am just making his life even harder because of the things that I am facing on my end. I get upset and I get frustrated and that is when I get quiet. I am used to doing things on my own and to know that the things that are affecting me are affecting him to is a very very new concept. I have never had to account for someone elses emotions and well being before, and I love this man very very very deeply.
How does someone go from being little miss independent most of her life and striving for her goals in life, and her aspirations to that of adding another person to it, and above all I am not just adding one more person but in a few short months I will be adding a third person.
Yet for someone who is used to doing things on her own and fighting her own battles when I think I am about to my breaking point is when the urge for intimacy comes into play. I want to be held, I want someone to kiss all the pain away, I want that physical connection that sometimes I feel is so lost. Why if I am so used to doing things on my own, do I get the urge for intimacy?
Sometimes I feel like an insecure little girl who can never do anything right and seems to depend on everyone else to make all my choices for me, yet I am the one that makes them all and sometimes none of them seem right. Ever feel that you have failed as a person? I know that feeling all to well sometimes it seems.
Does any of this make sense? Probably not. Am I any closer to answers that I seek than I was when I started? Nope....Will I ever be? Maybe.
One thing that I do know for sure is that less than 100 feet away from me is a man that loves me and for whatever reason that is, is willing to stick by me and love me no matter what comes my way. He is ready to stand by my side and put his emotional make up to the test, just as I do mine. For whatever reason, he is mine and I am his and together we will get through this. I am not sure how, or when, but I do know that one day eventually I will be fine, and it will be because we got through it together. What day will that be? Only time will tell.
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