The Full Monty

In a couple short days I am leaving the love of my life and the place that I long to call home. Neither one of us are taking it very well. Not only because we do not want to be apart from each other but because we are not sure I will ever be back.

No I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but there is more to all this than everyone knows. My body is shutting down and I am in a matter of terms dying. I have been in renal failure since I was 17, I have had ups and downs. I have had bad times and good times.

All this time like I said in my previous post I am used to doing everything on my own, and now that I don't have to I find myself in a very unusual position.

My thing is that I have lived with this for so long and I have had time to prepare myself for what could happen and would most likely eventually happen, but then again it was just me. I was ready for anything. I now find myself not ready for any of it.

It was one of the reasons that I took the precautions I did with the birth control and everything because knowing with my incredibly sucky health that getting pregnant and carrying the pregnancy was almost a guaranteed death sentence. Yet by the time I found out that I was pregnant, it was to far along to terminate the pregnancy and once I saw her on the screen I was done. I was going to do everything in my physical power and give my all including my life to bring this little innocent bundle of joy into the world.

Now I am faced with the very scary realization that he maybe raising this child on his own, with out me there. Every day he will be living with a reminder of me. Will he see me in her eyes, her smile, her laugh. Will she have my stubborn hardheadedness. Will she be the spitfire that her mother is. One thing I know for sure, is that he will love her unconditionally regardless. He will have my mother and my family there to help him with anything he ever needs for her.

I can feel my body day by day getting weaker but I am trying to be brave and trying with all my might to put a smile on my face. At night when he is at work I have time to sit and think, I talk to our daughter and tell her what a lucky little girl she is to have him as her daddy.

I am not scared about starting treatment I am used to having procedures and treatments and doctors appointments and this that and the other. What does terrify me is of what and who I am going to leave behind if the worst happens.

However, I will let each and everyone of them, my family, my daughter, and the love of my life know every min of every day that I love each and everyone of them and will til I take my last breath. As much as I hope that I am old, grey and wrinkled when that last breath comes, I will do whatever I have to.