Physically and mentally I am toast. I have never been in the situation I now find myself in. Usually I am left to fight my battles alone. Now I have someone who is willing to fight them right beside me and I am not sure how to feel.
From the time I was 16 until 3 years ago I saved and saved all that I could. I had a $17 an hour job, I thought I had a good marriage, I was in a position to go back to school and finally get my degree. Within 6 months my $20k savings was gone, money was tight and I left school to attempt to get work, my marriage was to the point where there was no saving it, I ended up getting extremely sick, and because of someone on a power trip I didn't get my $17 and hour job back.
10 months ago I met someone that would become a huge part of my life, even bigger than I could imagin. We have had our share of issues mainly having to do with my health and and issue that refuses to give me what I want so that I can move on and make a move for the better.
He is under enough stress with the things in his life, that I sometimes feel like I am just making his life even harder because of the things that I am facing on my end. I get upset and I get frustrated and that is when I get quiet. I am used to doing things on my own and to know that the things that are affecting me are affecting him to is a very very new concept. I have never had to account for someone elses emotions and well being before, and I love this man very very very deeply.
How does someone go from being little miss independent most of her life and striving for her goals in life, and her aspirations to that of adding another person to it, and above all I am not just adding one more person but in a few short months I will be adding a third person.
Yet for someone who is used to doing things on her own and fighting her own battles when I think I am about to my breaking point is when the urge for intimacy comes into play. I want to be held, I want someone to kiss all the pain away, I want that physical connection that sometimes I feel is so lost. Why if I am so used to doing things on my own, do I get the urge for intimacy?
Sometimes I feel like an insecure little girl who can never do anything right and seems to depend on everyone else to make all my choices for me, yet I am the one that makes them all and sometimes none of them seem right. Ever feel that you have failed as a person? I know that feeling all to well sometimes it seems.
Does any of this make sense? Probably not. Am I any closer to answers that I seek than I was when I started? Nope....Will I ever be? Maybe.
One thing that I do know for sure is that less than 100 feet away from me is a man that loves me and for whatever reason that is, is willing to stick by me and love me no matter what comes my way. He is ready to stand by my side and put his emotional make up to the test, just as I do mine. For whatever reason, he is mine and I am his and together we will get through this. I am not sure how, or when, but I do know that one day eventually I will be fine, and it will be because we got through it together. What day will that be? Only time will tell.
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