Write, Write, Write, Just Write.......

So in a matter of less than a month, my life has gone partially to absolute crap, to partially going in the direction that I was hoping for.

Yes I have been wanting a divorce from my husband for a while now, but when he called me out of the blue one morning and said he couldn't do it anymore and that he wanted it over and done with and he was moving to Michigan it caught me a little off guard. Now I know what your thinking, if this is what I wanted why am I having such a hard time with it. Well I guess that would be because he doesn't give a damn anymore and to a point I don't either. I guess what it is, is that I do still care for my husband, as a friend, and as a friend I don't wish him any ill will and would like to see him happy. I do care and yes at one time in my life I did love him. To a point I still love him, but only as a friend and no longer as a husband or lover. So I guess what stings for me is that he doesn't care about me or anything having to do with me anymore. He has told me that we should have never gotten married in 2008 and that he has not been happy since 2009. Which tells me that he wanted out of this way before I did, yet he never said anything. He doesn't care what happens to me, any of my things, or how I will survive when I am not allowed to work yet. He lost his job and now he is looking for work but he is depending on my mom to pay our bills. She is helping me out with a roof over my head and a place for me and my child. He told me that he would make sure that I was ok with everything and help me to get to the place I want to be, yet now that he has no job and really isn't giving a damn everything has changed. I have tried to be nice I have tried to be civil, but now I am just getting sick and tired of it all. I am patiently waiting for my tax return to come in so that I can get all this crap paid off and get the hell out of dodge and get on with my life.

May 4th my world forever changed. The little life that I had been harboring in my belly finally decided she was ready to come out, the apparently changed her mind resulting in an emergency c-section. I was over joyed that she was here however part of me was saddened because her daddy couldn't be here to see her born. I also had brought her into a world in the middle of for the lack of a better word, shit storm of drama. Something so innocent should never have to be subjected to any of this. Tipping the scales at a staggering 4lbs 10oz at birth she is probably over 5lbs now but I will know more at her next doctors appointment on Monday. Tomorrow she turns 2 weeks old. I cant believe that 14 days has already almost passed. The day after Mother's Day I had to put her daddy and the love of my life back on a plane to Florida. I thought that I was going to be able to handle it. I mean yea ok, I never did to well when it was just me having to tell him good bye all the times that I left him, but this time it wasn't just me but her that also had to say good bye and yes even though she is small and really doesn't know all that is going on, it was the hardest thing I had to do was watch him turn that corner and disappear to the boarding gate. I cried for the next 3 days and to a point I still cry. I miss him. A LOT!

I know I have said it many times before, that I love this man with all that I am, but I do. He has been my rock when all I have wanted to do is give up. He has stuck by me through a lot of tough shit in my life when even people that live close to me didn't seem to give a damn...well with the exception of my mother. He has been my sounding board when all I need to do is vent. He has never judged me, never expected anything but who and what I am from me. He takes me as I am faults and all. He has never wanted to change me, he has never asked for anything more from me than he would expect me to ask of himself. He has stood by me when it mattered most. He has loved me unconditionally even when I could not love myself. He has gone above and beyond anything I could ever ask for. He isn't rich, he doesn't have all the nicest things in the world, he has been given his share of shit to deal with, he isn't the perfect person, he may not always say the right things, he isn't the super sappy romantic man that you see in the movies, he is who he is and that is the man that I fell in love with and want to spend the rest of my life raising our daughter together. We are going to falter, we are going to fail at somethings, but if we can raise her to the best of our ability while supporting and loving each other and never taking each other for granted, then I think we will achieve great success...