It seems only fitting that tonight I would have the bad dreams again. Like the song Rain Rain Go Away, neither the rain nor the dreams have ceased.
The dream was worse than ones I have had before. I lost her, and then I lost him. My heart broke into a million pieces. I would grab for him yet he was just beyond my reach. He told me I had let him down and there was no way he could love someone that wouldn't be able to give him what he wanted. I stood there and just cried. I wasn't sure how much of the tears were mine or how much of it was the downpour of rain that seemed to start the second he said he didn't love me and that he never had.
How could someone who said that I was their world just walk away. I know it is a dream and it shouldn't mean a thing but then if it doesn't mean a thing why does it bother me much, but I guess a better question to ask would be why do I let it bother me so much? I guess because I have never felt this way about anyone and that includes the man I married, and the two other serious relationships that I was in. None of them compare to the emotion that I have invested in this man.
I saw a post on Facebook the other day that was talking about love. It said something along the lines of " Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to" I have set my heart in his hands and pray every day that he does not shatter it.
I know that he has a past and I know that walls have been put up after you have been hurt. I know because I have put these walls up to.
He said something in his sleep and when I heard it, I was caught off guard but then when I realized what he said I started to cry. It wasn't my name that he had said, but someone else and that he missed her. It cut deep into my heart like a knife. I know it was sleep induced and that I need not delve to deep into it. For the first time ever, I couldn't look him in the eye. I knew if I did the tears would just start over again.
He made it better by holding me in his arms and telling me that our daughter and I are the only ones that matter to him.
One of these days hopefully, the dream will stop. Hopefully.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Epiphany
An epiphany (from the ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia,
"manifestation, striking appearance") is an experience of sudden and
striking realization. Generally the term is used to describe
breakthrough scientific, religious or philosophical discoveries, but it
can apply in any situation in which an enlightening realization allows a
problem or situation to be understood from a new and deeper perspective
So as I was in the shower this morning I had one of the above said Epiphany's.
Everything that I have been questioning lately finally became so clear. I am for once in my life in a relationship that yes even though in a relationship you need to put forth an effort for the other person I am not bending over backwards killing myself to make someone happy. I am just being me, accepting of everything that is him and everything that is us together.
There is comfort and adoration for each other. Mutual respect and love. Only wanting the best for each other. Support, encouragement, strength, trust, I could go on but by now I am sure you see where I am going with that.
If we are in bed together and he is napping or sleeping before he has to work and I am playing on the computer or watching television every so often I will glance at him and to see him sleeping peacefully like the weight of the world is not laying on his shoulders and that everything is right with his life is very comforting. The other morning he was sleeping and he woke up, in trying to get himself back to sleep he rested a hand on my belly, I felt our daughter move to the heat of his hand and the feeling just made my heart melt. That for something so tiny and him could have that kind of bond already tells me that once she is born they will be inseperable.
My little family. Him, I, and our daughter. Nothing more, nothing less, just the tree of us. Nothing else matters. I love my family.
So as I was in the shower this morning I had one of the above said Epiphany's.
Everything that I have been questioning lately finally became so clear. I am for once in my life in a relationship that yes even though in a relationship you need to put forth an effort for the other person I am not bending over backwards killing myself to make someone happy. I am just being me, accepting of everything that is him and everything that is us together.
There is comfort and adoration for each other. Mutual respect and love. Only wanting the best for each other. Support, encouragement, strength, trust, I could go on but by now I am sure you see where I am going with that.
If we are in bed together and he is napping or sleeping before he has to work and I am playing on the computer or watching television every so often I will glance at him and to see him sleeping peacefully like the weight of the world is not laying on his shoulders and that everything is right with his life is very comforting. The other morning he was sleeping and he woke up, in trying to get himself back to sleep he rested a hand on my belly, I felt our daughter move to the heat of his hand and the feeling just made my heart melt. That for something so tiny and him could have that kind of bond already tells me that once she is born they will be inseperable.
My little family. Him, I, and our daughter. Nothing more, nothing less, just the tree of us. Nothing else matters. I love my family.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Does it get any easier?
Ever drawn a blank, as in stare for what seems like an eternity and still not come up with anything. Yea I have had more of those times lately.
I know that I have done all of this before and yet still it doesn't get any easier. Last time I had a time frame for when I would return this time I don't and that bothers me. It isn't the thought that he will forget, or that he will love me any less. I just don't do well when it comes to change. Last time it was a matter of days that we were together. This time it was a few weeks, now comes the what the fuck was I thinking, frame of mind. I have gone through that and I am still willing to move on with my life and him. I want my happily ever after and I know that he is it. As many times that I have had doubts of how he feels, time and time again he shoots any and all uncertainty down. So why, why do I still have the urge to over think EVERYTHING! That would be because I am a girl and I produce the mind numbing make you crazy over think and freak out about everything, and even though I freak out over everything anyway WITHOUT being a girl just makes it twice as bad. <facepalm repeatedly> OK, so that didn't help either.
It isn't time for me to leave just quite yet but I still fight back the tears that I am leaving him again. I am stronger when he is there, where I can reach out and touch him. Where he can give me that hug and that kiss when I need it most. Am I being a dork, yeah probably, someone that is in love and cares very very deeply for someone, damn straight.
So in trying to find the perfect song to go with this blog, I again have become blocked. I am not sure if it is the fact that the emotions that I am trying to feel at this point in time, I am trying to stave off, or if it is the fact that the man I love is sitting next to me playing his game cracking jokes and making me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place, in turn making me fall in love with him all over again.
Sometimes it is song lyrics that can speak everything that you are feeling at that moment in time, more so than you can ever say. Be it that you can't say them because you are afraid of a reaction that might come, or if you just want to burst in to tears every time you think about it. Most times with me it is the later of the two. I don't get why either. In a small amount of time I have become heavily emotionally invested in this man. Sometimes I wonder if he is too. Would he cry if I walked away or would he just dust off his pants and move on thinking well that was fun while it lasted. As much as I hate to have feelings like that, I do have a vagina it kind of comes with the territory. Just like most men think with the smaller of the two heads and that is what nine times out of ten lands them in hot water with anyone of the female race.
I know that he is guarded, I know that he has his secrets. I just wish I could be the one that he confides in. In due time I guess. Yes I know I have never referred to him by his name, I think he likes it better that way. This way he doesn't get a bunch of crap from his friends and family about his girlfriend. Does it bother me that his Facebook still reads single, of course. Do I know why it stays that way, yes I do. Granted my situation right now is not ideal, but it is a means to an end as he says. It is a way for me to get to the bigger picture and what I want. It is a way for me to get to him.
Many, many times I feel that I have failed everyone around me. My childhood was less than ideal. I have tried to forget most of it but that unfortunately doesn't happen. My childhood in a manner of speaking when it came to anything, other than my mom (that part is what I choose to remember) sucked major donkey ass. Sorry no real polite way to put that. I know it is my past and that it should stay in my past and I should not let it color my present and my future, but I guess you have to experience what I have in order to understand why it is hard for me to do that.
I feel so bruised and broken, but I hid it with a smile on my face when all I want to do is scream and cry. Crumpled into a ball on the floor. If you looked in my eyes would you see my pain? Probably but you would have to look hard. I hid things well. I guess this should end because now I am just rambling and starting to not make sense, oh well here goes the smile when all I want to do is cry.
I know that I have done all of this before and yet still it doesn't get any easier. Last time I had a time frame for when I would return this time I don't and that bothers me. It isn't the thought that he will forget, or that he will love me any less. I just don't do well when it comes to change. Last time it was a matter of days that we were together. This time it was a few weeks, now comes the what the fuck was I thinking, frame of mind. I have gone through that and I am still willing to move on with my life and him. I want my happily ever after and I know that he is it. As many times that I have had doubts of how he feels, time and time again he shoots any and all uncertainty down. So why, why do I still have the urge to over think EVERYTHING! That would be because I am a girl and I produce the mind numbing make you crazy over think and freak out about everything, and even though I freak out over everything anyway WITHOUT being a girl just makes it twice as bad. <facepalm repeatedly> OK, so that didn't help either.
It isn't time for me to leave just quite yet but I still fight back the tears that I am leaving him again. I am stronger when he is there, where I can reach out and touch him. Where he can give me that hug and that kiss when I need it most. Am I being a dork, yeah probably, someone that is in love and cares very very deeply for someone, damn straight.
So in trying to find the perfect song to go with this blog, I again have become blocked. I am not sure if it is the fact that the emotions that I am trying to feel at this point in time, I am trying to stave off, or if it is the fact that the man I love is sitting next to me playing his game cracking jokes and making me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place, in turn making me fall in love with him all over again.
Sometimes it is song lyrics that can speak everything that you are feeling at that moment in time, more so than you can ever say. Be it that you can't say them because you are afraid of a reaction that might come, or if you just want to burst in to tears every time you think about it. Most times with me it is the later of the two. I don't get why either. In a small amount of time I have become heavily emotionally invested in this man. Sometimes I wonder if he is too. Would he cry if I walked away or would he just dust off his pants and move on thinking well that was fun while it lasted. As much as I hate to have feelings like that, I do have a vagina it kind of comes with the territory. Just like most men think with the smaller of the two heads and that is what nine times out of ten lands them in hot water with anyone of the female race.
I know that he is guarded, I know that he has his secrets. I just wish I could be the one that he confides in. In due time I guess. Yes I know I have never referred to him by his name, I think he likes it better that way. This way he doesn't get a bunch of crap from his friends and family about his girlfriend. Does it bother me that his Facebook still reads single, of course. Do I know why it stays that way, yes I do. Granted my situation right now is not ideal, but it is a means to an end as he says. It is a way for me to get to the bigger picture and what I want. It is a way for me to get to him.
Many, many times I feel that I have failed everyone around me. My childhood was less than ideal. I have tried to forget most of it but that unfortunately doesn't happen. My childhood in a manner of speaking when it came to anything, other than my mom (that part is what I choose to remember) sucked major donkey ass. Sorry no real polite way to put that. I know it is my past and that it should stay in my past and I should not let it color my present and my future, but I guess you have to experience what I have in order to understand why it is hard for me to do that.
I feel so bruised and broken, but I hid it with a smile on my face when all I want to do is scream and cry. Crumpled into a ball on the floor. If you looked in my eyes would you see my pain? Probably but you would have to look hard. I hid things well. I guess this should end because now I am just rambling and starting to not make sense, oh well here goes the smile when all I want to do is cry.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Time is Limited
I got a phone call that I would be lying if I said I wasn't expecting it one of these days. Today the world lost an angel. My friend Ashley died of an overdose early this morning. My friend Ashley has gone through a lot of shit in her life. Beaten severely by an ex, miscarrying a child not once but twice, she was raped at a young age, was heavy into drugs and more than once almost overdosed on alcohol and drugs. Needless to say growing up for her was less than ideal. Problem is I had a similar childhood it was just no one knew about it. Physically abused at the hands of my ex, miscarrying 3 times, mentally abused by my father, heavy into drugs and alcohol. I didn't have an ideal childhood either, but I hid mine. Ashley couldn't hid hers. In the end I never knew that she felt so alone, I never knew that there was nothing that I could do for her.
Maybe I didn't call her as much as I should, maybe I should have paid more attention. Just knowing that I have gone through the same things there had to be something that I could have done. I could have taken the bottle of Xanax away from her, I could have poured the bottle of absinth down the drain, but I was unable to do any of those things. I was, yet again when a friend needed me most, I was to far away to reach them in time. I am 31 years old and this now makes 4 friends I have lost to suicide in 15 years. I have been there I have been so low to contemplate it but in the end I could never leave behind the ones that do love me. Am I suicidal...no, I have come to terms that I have to deal with whatever life hands me and I have to do it with a smile on my face. As much as I would love to extend my middle fingers and just say fuck everything I don't, I can't, my heart won't let me.
I look in the mirror I see the years of abuse, the scars from the push down the stairs. In my eyes I see a girl bruised and broken.I have moments when I think I deserved everything that has been done to me. Other times I believe I didn't deserve any of it. Would I be alive if I had stayed with him. I know that if I had left sooner I would my son. He took a life from me and I WILL NEVER forgive him for that. An innocent child died because I, his mother over stepped some invisible boundary and in turned paid for it with his little life. I hope that he can forgive me wherever he is.
I think tonight is going to be one of those nights I just cry and cry and cry. Leaving the love of my life in 2 days to go back home is not helping either. I don't want to leave his side, but I have to. Hopefully not for long.
Maybe I didn't call her as much as I should, maybe I should have paid more attention. Just knowing that I have gone through the same things there had to be something that I could have done. I could have taken the bottle of Xanax away from her, I could have poured the bottle of absinth down the drain, but I was unable to do any of those things. I was, yet again when a friend needed me most, I was to far away to reach them in time. I am 31 years old and this now makes 4 friends I have lost to suicide in 15 years. I have been there I have been so low to contemplate it but in the end I could never leave behind the ones that do love me. Am I suicidal...no, I have come to terms that I have to deal with whatever life hands me and I have to do it with a smile on my face. As much as I would love to extend my middle fingers and just say fuck everything I don't, I can't, my heart won't let me.
I look in the mirror I see the years of abuse, the scars from the push down the stairs. In my eyes I see a girl bruised and broken.I have moments when I think I deserved everything that has been done to me. Other times I believe I didn't deserve any of it. Would I be alive if I had stayed with him. I know that if I had left sooner I would my son. He took a life from me and I WILL NEVER forgive him for that. An innocent child died because I, his mother over stepped some invisible boundary and in turned paid for it with his little life. I hope that he can forgive me wherever he is.
I think tonight is going to be one of those nights I just cry and cry and cry. Leaving the love of my life in 2 days to go back home is not helping either. I don't want to leave his side, but I have to. Hopefully not for long.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Lightning Crashes
Last night I finally released a huge weight off my shoulders after I finally told the man that I love more than anything something that I have been carrying around with me for the last 7 years. I was so scared to tell him about it because I didn't know if he would run for the door. I feel as though I have failed him when it comes to him wanting children.
He has told me that we could adopt if we decide that we want children. As for the marriage thing we have both decided maybe it will happen but we are both content on just being together. He has never done the marriage thing, and even though I have, he is worth me doing it all over again, but I would be just as content on not doing it and just being with him. I can have the house, the cars, the mutual possession and never have to marry. I look at Goldi Hawn and Kurt Russel for a positive role model in that aspect.
Having my dreams again are not helping. I had about a dozen of them last night and he had to wake me from most of them. I awoke today and the evidence of the dreams was plain as day. Scratches all down my arms. As much as the dreams that are involving my pass bother me. It are the ones that involve him that bother me even more. This last dream that I had was I believe the worst one of all. They are so vivid, I swear I can smell, taste, hear, feel, and see everything going on around me like it is reality.
He was mad, I wasn't sure why. I asked him not to go but he left anyway. I was left there crying wondering what I had done wrong. The pieces of my heart ripped out and torn into a million pieces. He said he didn't love me, that he never had, then I saw him kiss her and smile. I stood there outside as they walked away, rain pouring down on just me, the tears falling, screaming at him not to leave me, that I could be everything that he wanted he just had to give me that chance. I knew the girl I had seen her before, but I could not place her face or how I knew her. Suddenly a couple years had passed and I ran into her again. She wore a simple silver ring on her left finger and a baby on her hip. Looking at the child it had his piercing blue eyes and dark hair. My heart broke all over again. She had been able to give him what I was unable to.
I woke myself from this dream and he was not in the room with me when it happened. After a jog outside, I took a shower, the dream was still fresh in my mind and so I just let the tears fall. Tonight has been a little difficult. My parents are coming to visit for a few days so he has gone home for that time. Tonight I did cry a little when he took his things and left. It is the first night since I have been here that we have been apart. I know it is just a few days if not before that I will see him again. Next Thursday will be the hardest for me because I will have to leave him for an undetermined amount of time.
I am planning on coming down after Christmas and spending the new year with him. I am hoping that it all works that way. Nothing so far on the job front other than a thank you, but no thank you we need the degree, a little on the frustrating side. As for housing I am looking to rent a house. I just need to figure out what I can feasibly afford a month in the way of a rent payment because there is no way that I am going to be able to buy anytime soon.
Just finished talking to him and I love the way he says good night. "Good night, sweet dreams, and I love you" I could get used to that for the rest of my life.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Re-Written
Ok so I went on a blog tangent this morning about wanting to be selfish for one of the first times in my life when it came to my guy. I am still getting to know who my guy is. Wait what? Ok let me see if this works.
When I came down to visit him in June he took the time off of work and all his energy and time was concentrated on me and I got used to that. Now that I have come down to visit again and this time also look for gainful employment and a place to live he is working and on his normal routine and I am not the concentrated energy, now that leaves me feeling neglected.
Neglected.... how very selfish of me. The man has to make a living I need to understand that and I need to understand that just because he doesn't want to be touchy-feely cuddle love time in the morning after a night of working a 12 hours shift, outside, maybe the dude just wants a hot shower, sometime to himself and sleep....
but what about when he has his days off, I feel pushed aside on those too. I am not sure how I feel about this and I am coming up empty when the topic of expressing myself to him comes up. I have never been one that has had an issue telling people how she feels. I tried to explain it to him this morning but he feel asleep on me. So alas that conversation went by the wayside.
He does show his affection in his own little way I guess, but I guess I wish he would just show it a little more. I feel as though if I don't inititate it won't happen. I don't mind taking control but I would like to be man handled a little myself you know. Part of me thinks "oh god he isn't attracted to me enough to push me down, rip my clothes off, and make me go freaking primal." then again maybe that just isn't him. Like I said still learning here.
I guess why I am feeling the way I am feeling is because for the first time in my life I am utterly and totally flabergasted by someone and it is making all the neurons in my brain go stupified. I don't know what he is thinking, I don't know what goes on in his head. Sometimes I wish just wish he would stop and go "Damn...she picked me" Maybe he does, I guess the only person that can answer that is him.
Talking with the bestie helped a little as she understands my point of view and where I am coming from. She has a great guy and I am so extremely happy for her. I see it in her face and once I find my proper footing in the relationship hope that my face will show that happiness.
I know men are complicated creatures as much as they say we are too, but sometimes I just want to shake him and tell him to snap the frack out of it.
When I came down to visit him in June he took the time off of work and all his energy and time was concentrated on me and I got used to that. Now that I have come down to visit again and this time also look for gainful employment and a place to live he is working and on his normal routine and I am not the concentrated energy, now that leaves me feeling neglected.
Neglected.... how very selfish of me. The man has to make a living I need to understand that and I need to understand that just because he doesn't want to be touchy-feely cuddle love time in the morning after a night of working a 12 hours shift, outside, maybe the dude just wants a hot shower, sometime to himself and sleep....
but what about when he has his days off, I feel pushed aside on those too. I am not sure how I feel about this and I am coming up empty when the topic of expressing myself to him comes up. I have never been one that has had an issue telling people how she feels. I tried to explain it to him this morning but he feel asleep on me. So alas that conversation went by the wayside.
He does show his affection in his own little way I guess, but I guess I wish he would just show it a little more. I feel as though if I don't inititate it won't happen. I don't mind taking control but I would like to be man handled a little myself you know. Part of me thinks "oh god he isn't attracted to me enough to push me down, rip my clothes off, and make me go freaking primal." then again maybe that just isn't him. Like I said still learning here.
I guess why I am feeling the way I am feeling is because for the first time in my life I am utterly and totally flabergasted by someone and it is making all the neurons in my brain go stupified. I don't know what he is thinking, I don't know what goes on in his head. Sometimes I wish just wish he would stop and go "Damn...she picked me" Maybe he does, I guess the only person that can answer that is him.
Talking with the bestie helped a little as she understands my point of view and where I am coming from. She has a great guy and I am so extremely happy for her. I see it in her face and once I find my proper footing in the relationship hope that my face will show that happiness.
I know men are complicated creatures as much as they say we are too, but sometimes I just want to shake him and tell him to snap the frack out of it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Never Good Enough
In the last 3 days I have maybe had a total of 7 hours of sleep. I don't have any strength. I don't have any energy. I have been throwing up, my ulcer is killing me, and it is times like this I ask myself if I will ever be good enough for anyone.
The lack of sleep has caused me to become some what inquizitive on if I am good enough. I think about it and I am struggling for money, my car is iffy about running, I have MAJOR health concerns. Why would anyone want to be with the mess that is me.
I know he is stressed and there is nothing that I can do to seem to un-stress him. I cry he doesn't know it mainly because I don't do it while he is around and if I do I try to hid it. I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I fear I will never be able to make him completely happy.
Why am I so unsure of myself now. I have never been this way, but he is different. He is a lot different. He means more to me than anyone ever has. Which is why I hate feeling as if I am failing him on some level. I guess I just don't know what to do. Maybe a run on the treadmill or some time to just think. However, whenever I get to thinking I get to over analyzing and over thinking. I guess it is one moment at a time.
I just wish he would talk to me. I am his partner in this all. His silence is what makes me think I am the problem.
The lack of sleep has caused me to become some what inquizitive on if I am good enough. I think about it and I am struggling for money, my car is iffy about running, I have MAJOR health concerns. Why would anyone want to be with the mess that is me.
I know he is stressed and there is nothing that I can do to seem to un-stress him. I cry he doesn't know it mainly because I don't do it while he is around and if I do I try to hid it. I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I fear I will never be able to make him completely happy.
Why am I so unsure of myself now. I have never been this way, but he is different. He is a lot different. He means more to me than anyone ever has. Which is why I hate feeling as if I am failing him on some level. I guess I just don't know what to do. Maybe a run on the treadmill or some time to just think. However, whenever I get to thinking I get to over analyzing and over thinking. I guess it is one moment at a time.
I just wish he would talk to me. I am his partner in this all. His silence is what makes me think I am the problem.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Boulders Crashing Into The Sea
I am extremely overtired, I am sick to my stomach, I just want to crawl under a rock and die, or hurl my self over a cliff onto the rocks below.
This morning my world as I know it almost came crashing down around me, making my dream almost seem unattainable.
In less than a month I am hoping to be on a plane and headed south to look for a job and a place to live. To start my life with the love of my life.
Some times it feels as though I am in a dark cave digging at the walls, my fingers bleeding, til I break through with a small sliver of light, and as I push through to make a bigger hole a sudden avalanch starts and the small hole that I just dug out is now filled again and there is nothing I can do but sit and let the tears fall.
It is mornings like the one I had today that I wish he was within reach to just wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. To just press into him and let the tears fall.
This morning my world as I know it almost came crashing down around me, making my dream almost seem unattainable.
In less than a month I am hoping to be on a plane and headed south to look for a job and a place to live. To start my life with the love of my life.
Some times it feels as though I am in a dark cave digging at the walls, my fingers bleeding, til I break through with a small sliver of light, and as I push through to make a bigger hole a sudden avalanch starts and the small hole that I just dug out is now filled again and there is nothing I can do but sit and let the tears fall.
It is mornings like the one I had today that I wish he was within reach to just wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. To just press into him and let the tears fall.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Wait for Me
Ever listen to the radio and suddenly a song come on and you can't think of a song more perfect for the way you feel at that very moment?
That happen to me about a week ago. I was in the car, the weather was beautiful, I had just finished up a phone call with my love, I was getting a lot of things on my list of things that needed to be accomplished before I go to Florida, the crap going on at home was actually tolerable. Then all of a sudden the song came on. His face was immediately on my mind, his voice was instantly in my head, my heart fluttered and in that moment I felt love. Just love.
Here is the song that automatically makes me miss him, love him, want him.
Distance is hard I am not going to lie. The little green monster of jealousy has turned it's head a time or two and I can't say that it didn't or else I wouldn't be human. Yes my heart yearns to see him everyday, to wake up next to him every morning, to fall asleep in his arm. To sit and enjoy a movie night at home, or a nice night out when we both have the money. To laugh with him, to joke with him, to in the end just be with him.
I <3 him
*~R~*
Friday, May 25, 2012
Start to my Second Chapter?
I don't know where to start. Every neuron in my brain is bouncing around inside my head. So here is the rundown on my situation.
I'm married-not happily and seeking divorce
I am in love with someone else- He lives 1200 miles away from me.
In three weeks I am flying down to see him- I am scared out of my shorts
I have always been one to follow my heart- to hell with what my head says
A couple months of go I met a guy. An absolutely awesome guy, who with a simple hello can make my knees weak. Financially both of us are not in the ideal situation that we would like to be in at the moment, but hopefully I can remedy that soon.
However, have you ever had that feeling that no matter how close you can get to someone and how much you can love someone your still not going to be good enough? Yeah, that would be one of the biggest things going through my head. He says he loves me and as much as I believe him because he has never given me a reason to doubt him, I still am terrified that I won't be good enough. I know it is probably all the crap from my past talking me and taunting me with the negative thoughts, but still. *frustrated sigh*
I was mentally abused by my "sperm donor" for most of my life and then went on to endure physical abuse at the hands on one of my ex's for almost 4 years. Needless to say I have had a number done on me. Yet I am stronger than I have ever been... that is until it comes to men.
I used to live in Florida (where said love from above lives) I moved back to the Midwest when my ex and I broke up. Met husband and entered into what has been an unhappy past 4 years (first 2 years weren't bad). Part of me told myself to stay down in Florida and make a life for myself down there, but my family was here. I moved back to be with them. I often question myself now after meeting my love if I had stayed in Florida would things be different? Would him and I have met earlier, how would things have developed between us if I was there instead of here.
Well 3 hours ago I was told by the man I married that he was bringing me home something to eat.. I am still waiting. So F him I am going to go forage for something sustainable to put on my forever complaining stomach, and continue to try and navigate through this Life Unpredictable
*~R~*
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